Life is not a Big Gulp.

I miss running.  I want to do it.  I am going to search for some time to do it.  I think it would feel so refreshing right now.  Just me, the pavement, and the woods around my house.  I just get SO tired...

The babies have started sleeping through the night (well, except for last night, but that was my fault...).  This is shocking to me.  I have done nothing to encourage this, but it is happening!  Both of them!  At the same time!  I hope it will continue.  Maybe then I will have more energy for running.  :)

Dave took the big kids with him last night to CR in Conway.  I wanted to go, but I knew I just needed to be at home and recharge.  I'm discovering that I need more margin in my life.  I have not been very scheduled the last five years or so, but now, I am thriving on a schedule.  It is the only way I can live well right now.  Anyway, I'm realizing that I have to make room for my family, for the things that will bring us peace in our home, for the friends and ministries we want to be a part of (by the way, we've found a local body to worship with!!!), and for myself.  I need this.

So, my goals this Spring are to declutter my life--of possessions, of plans, of anything that just makes me BUSY.  No more busy work.

Life is NOT an emergency (Ann Voskamp).

It's not.  I need to stop living like it is.

I don't need to beat myself up that my kids aren't eating homemade snacks right now.

I need to value my time more and be willing to sacrifice so that my time is best spent.

In fact, I need to nap more.  It's next to impossible, but I can make it happen if I will let go of some things.

Life is to savored--sipped, not gulped--and I've been living Life in Big Gulps.

Time to slow down and focus on what matters most--living well for Jesus, for my family, for my friends, and for me.  Take time to be healthy...time to be joyful...time to be thankful...time to model this for my children.

Life is NOT a Big Gulp.

Little sips...

My Quiet Life

It's cold. It is 28 degrees. I am wearing socks--this is monumental. Socks typically make my feet hot, and then my whole body overheats (even if I'm not pregnant). This has only been happening to me for a few years-kinda strange.

Our leaves have turned and are halfway gone. It's time to get warm and cozy and stay in the house--thankfully, I now enjoy this part of life.

There are a few new things with us:

• I sprained my foot last weekend. It still hurts to walk on it, and there is still some swelling--not much, but enough that it makes my shoe too tight. There are some pretty purple and blue bruises on it as well. Festive.
• Baby A (Felix) is now breech. He flipped. We are praying he flips back over or I will be having a c-section. I have heard some stories of twins with the first breech that turned out alright, but I've also heard otherwise. Bottom line: my doctor doesn't feel comfortable with it, and he is comfortable with breech deliveries--just not with the first twin. So, if you would, pray that Felix turns over. Either way, things will turn out alright, but it is hard to deal with the reality of it all. I'm getting there--slowly.
• My emotions are out of control. Steer clear.
• I wish my body wasn't so cumbersome right now; I would love to be taking walks in this fine weather. Instead, I just look out the window. When I walk, I feel like Godzilla or Frankenstein. In fact, we had to do some grocery shopping last night, and for the first time ever, I drove a motorized cart. It was great.
• My life is quieter now than it has ever been in the friendship department. This isn't a bad thing, although it is an adjustment. I'm learning with this codependency thing how often I was turning to friends for fulfillment instead of Christ. I have by no means arrived, but I am catching myself about to pick up the phone, and then I will stop and take it to Him first. It isn't easy. I am thankful for my friends who have let me "get it all out," but I am even more thankful that they aren't assuming His place in my life.
  
• I've purged my facebook a couple of times to either get rid of those I never talk to or those who try to fix me. It's been good so far. I am also being much more reserved in accepting friend requests from people that I don't really know that well or people that I don't think need to be seeing so much of what I say. :)
• My husband has been working extremely long hours (especially for someone who is finished with his training!), and it is wearing on all of us. I am thankful that in a month or so, his nurse practitioner will return from maternity leave and lighten the load a little bit. We've had some disturbing news about his call schedule for the next year, and we're praying for God to send some relief. We need relief in so many areas...
• We have decided to look for a different body of believers. Things were pretty crazy where we were at, and we didn't have peace about staying in that kind of environment. We felt things were not being handled in a Biblical manner, and we don't feel like it is a healthy place to be. We love the people we connected with and will continue to love them.

It is quiet, Dave is off for the first day in a few weeks, so I am going to go drink something decaf and hot next to him on the couch while he plays a game on his phone. ;)

Cast-Away

Sam gets his cast off today! I am so glad. I am ready for his leg to be clean.

He doesn't want it removed. I think he is scared. I tried to explain how it would come off. We shall see how he does when we get there.

I'm thinking we will have lunch at Chick-Fil-A.

I wish Dave didn't have to work today. His mini-vacay ended Tuesday.

We had a lovely weekend in KC. We ate great food, saw a movie, napped, went to a museum, and spent some quality time at the International House of Prayer. We are very refreshed.

We missed the kiddos, though. I think they missed us a little bit. :) I think Lucy missed us the most.

My brother is amazacrazy and fixed our drainage problems. Yea!!! We are hoping this means no more of me in the garage with the shop vac every time it rains.

My family watched the kids, and the adults survived. The kids survived too. :)

Yesterday was our 8-year anniversary. My husband encouraged me big-time in his awesome card fashioned with the Super 8 logo. We do traditional anniversary gifts, and this year is pottery/bronze. He bought me a ceramic pot from 1956 that was traditionally used for beans. I am going to use it for cookies. :) His gift has not arrived yet, but I will be sure to show it when it does.

Well, that's my update. Wish it could have been more exciting! Happy Thursday!

Day 11--Couch to 5k

1.1 miles today. I did 5w/4r/5w. It wasn't too bad, but the humidity was 100% again, and that makes it a bit harder to breathe. Here's the link to sign up for the Conway race if you're interested:

http://www.womenrunarkansas.net/

I'm tired. I took the van to the mechanic for a look-over. Tire issue, but no big deal. I would love to take a nap, but those are quite rare these days.

I can't complain too much--the sun is shining, and it isn't storming. I think a Happy Hour from Sonic may be in order. I could really use a pick-me-up.

I'm a little sad today--just grieving a burden for someone. I'm not taking it as my own, but I still am affected by it. I so want to see freedom break through and joy in the midst of pain. This could apply to so many people in my life right now!!!

I think I need some Jesus time.

Slowing Down

With all the madness and loveliness of my birthday, we managed to wear ourselves out. We traveled a lot, made messes in between our traveling, and now it is time to re-center and FOCUS.

My goal is to get back to normal as quickly as possible so that Thanksgiving can be relaxing. Yesterday, I had a long list of things to do. I didn't get to cross off many (just "shower" and "make grocery list and menu"). We did, however, manage to go to the store and get everything for the week and for Thanksgiving.

I love Thanksgiving food.

Today, Dave went back to work since his vacation is officially over. I love having him home, but if he is home, I don't get anything done. :) I'm glad we're all back where we belong. The house is slowly coming together. Our vacuum is dying. I saw smoke coming out of the bottom. It smelled funny.

I do not like having a canister vacuum. I miss having a bag that I can throw away 0r better yet--BURN (especially when we're having our yearly autumnal battle against Woodrow's fleas). I know that's not environmentally savvy, but it is one of those things that make my skin crawl. I would like your vacuum suggestions.

I have so many sewing and crafty projects in my mind and on my shelf. I need to get going. I keep hopping from project to project. I think my goal this year will be to finish THAT ADVENT CALENDAR I started two years ago. I made a mistake on it, and will essentially be starting from Step 2. Kind of hard to get motivated...but I'm also toying with the idea of inventing MY OWN advent calendar...if I do, perhaps there will be a tutorial to follow.

Do you guys do Advent Calendars? I love the one my friend, Cinthya, has--it tells the Christmas story or the significance of each symbol--all made of felt. I LOVE FELT.

So, here's to nesting and being at home!

I told Dave last night, "I wish that my house was always sparkling and that the kids would dance around me with daisy chains while I sewed." We giggled.

Arms in the Air

Today is the day.

My good friend, Marla, is going to become a mother for the fifth time. I will never forget where I was when I got the news that she was headed to the hospital the first time. I was so excited. It was 6 in the morning almost 6 years ago. I had predicted what day she would deliver (and I was RIGHT). I also will never forget where I was when I heard that everything was NOT okay. I was in the teacher's lounge using the phone to call her and find out how Halley was doing. Marla answered and said, "You haven't heard?" She was obviously still in shock. Halley wasn't breathing on her own, her muscles were constricted, and they had no idea what was wrong.

I prayed and prayed for the next two months.

I really thought she would be healed.

Then, Nate and Marla had to make the hardest decision of their lives. They had to remove life support from their precious Halley because her organs were all failing.

I didn't know what to do. How do you help someone who has just lost their first child to an unknown disease? Our small group planted some flowers for them, and we went to the memorial service. I now cannot hear "Fly to Jesus" without bawling. Halley's life, though brief, changed mine forever. I told God, "I really thought you were going to heal her."

He said, "I did--just not how you thought I would."

It was hard to watch Nate and Marla grieve. Especially when I became pregnant shortly after Halley's death. The guilt I felt for being pregnant when her baby was gone was hard to bear. Sometimes, I just didn't know what to say.

I was about 4-5 months pregnant with Sam when Marla announced they were pregnant again. We were all overjoyed, but we were also scared because the doctors thought it could be a genetic disease that was not yet documented. No other known disease really explained it. I had Sam, and Marla continued to grow and blossom in her pregnancy. Things were looking okay, but they didn't really know what to think because Halley's pregnancy had been normal (to their knowledge). Just over 14 months after Halley was born, I got a phone call from our good (and mutual) friend, Melissa, telling me that they were doing a c-section to get Porter out because his non-stress tests looked concerning.

I remember yelling in the phone, "No!!! This is NOT happening again!" Melissa and I cried together over the phone, and once again, I started to pray.

Porter was taken out several weeks early, but his symptoms looked frighteningly familiar. And again, two months after he came into the world, Nate and Marla had to, once again, remove their baby from life support. At the visitation, I just didn't know what to say. My baby was healthy and six months old. That guilt returned.

"I'm so sorry," was about all I could muster. His little body in the casket was almost too much to bear. It was good for me to see him, though. It helped a little. I just could not believe I was going to yet another funeral for one of their children. Of course, now the doctors had determined that the disease was genetic, and that they had a 25% chance of a baby having it each time they conceived. That is devastating news to bear.

Marla told me later that people often said insensitive things to her in hopes of cheering her up. I didn't want to be one of those people. I found it hard to find things to say, but I tried to listen if she was willing to talk.

A few months after Porter's death, I found out I was pregnant again. Guilt returned (also because I had another close friend who had miscarried that summer as well). But then, there was finally some GOOD NEWS.

Nate and Marla were going to adopt a baby.

I prayed and prayed that the adoption would go smoothly and that the birth mother would not change her mind.

And Shepherd was born. We had a baby shower after he arrived, and it was so sweet because Marla didn't let anybody hold him. But no one tried to--we all wanted her to hold her baby as much as she wanted!!! He was theirs. I had Maryn about two and a half months later.

We all went off to our separate residency programs, and we grew closer than we'd ever been. We talked weekly (sometimes multiple times a week). I watched Marla grow in grace. You could see the Lord was healing her. She is very transparent and honest about how she's feeling. It was good to hear her talk about her grief and her journey to healing.

She called one day and dropped the bomb that she was pregnant AGAIN! I didn't think she was crazy. I knew that she and Nate were not flippant about this. I knew that they listened very carefully to what God was telling them to do--especially in this area. I prayed and prayed for her baby, had others praying, and when the day came, Owen was born, and he was healthy!

I cannot begin to describe the joy that we all felt over this news!!!

Marla and I have grown so close through the years, and I am blessed to be in this spot once again, praying for her and her sweet baby girl, Marley, who will arrive in the next hour or so. I have learned so much from Marla about trusting God, about being real, about grief, about fear, and about being healed.

I may have prayed for Marla, but she too has prayed for me. She doesn't minimalize my struggles by comparing them to hers. This is what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like. I'm sure of it! Holding one another up as we walk through life--the good, the bad, and the devastating. It's mutual.

So, now, would you join me in praying for the safe arrival of Marley Grace? I'll post again with the news. We're believing God for another miracle!

Managing our Freedom

It's funny how busyness is different in different places. In residency, Dave was busy with work, Good Samaritan, meetings, call, etc. I was busy with Bible study, book club, and events. Now that we've moved here, a few things are the same--he still has call every week (though it is from home), and I still have Bible study. However, we've also found a way to be busy in other things.

We exercise. Every day (but Sunday--we rest our bodies). Since we have three children, daily exercise--together--is difficult. And boy, do we need one another! If we weren't there to encourage one another in it, we wouldn't do it. So, every night, after we put the kids to bed, we put in our DVDs. We do Gilad's (from FitTV) workouts. We do cardio and strength training, alternately, six days a week. It's huge for us! But, we've realized, that we have less free time in the evenings now that we exercise.

Dave commented the other day, "How did we get so busy here?" Well, we have a small group meeting on Sunday nights. We have a meeting in Conway every Tuesday night. I have a women's Bible study on Tuesday mornings. Dave is "off" (sometimes) on Wednesdays, so we run a lot of errands. It's busy, but it is a good kind of busy. We are much healthier than we've been in a long time.

Somewhere along the way, we started choosing to do things out of a desire to be healthy rather than a place of guilt or obligation. I remember being heavy laden in college with three Bible studies a week, church, community group, and a large student meeting each week (not to mention the part-time job and my classes). It was too much, and much of it, I did it because I felt like if I didn't that I wasn't spiritual enough. Now, the things I choose are out of genuine desire and not duty. It's healthier and more rewarding.

No longer do I cower under obligation. Though it may be kind of a silly way to go about things, I reached a point in my life where I wouldn't do something (even if it was good) if I was doing it out of guilt, shame, or obligation. Instead, I would only do those things when the desire came. I know some of you are thinking, "If I did that, I would never do any of the things I am supposed to do." That may be true. It wasn't for me, and that surprises me (because I believed that too)!

It seems like desire finally had the opportunity to arise because I was not giving obligation and duty any room to rule me. I guess, in a way, I learned to manage my freedom (in much the same way I'm trying to teach my children to do). I chose not to exercise. This had consequences. I was free from the guilt of obligation to exercise--I was not a slave to it, but the consequence for not exercising is getting fatter and flabbier. Suddenly, a desire to be healthy and fit arose, and I gladly chose to exercise. I made decisions, and I ruled my decisions instead of them ruling me.

Last night, after we finished "Cardio Strike!", we made some popcorn (and a bag of candy corn) and sat down to finish a movie we'd started. We started talking about how eating the popcorn (and candy corn) might not be a good idea. I said something like, "We're free to eat popcorn (and candy corn). It's not that big of a deal." Dave agreed, and then said, "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." (a quote from the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 10:23). We laughed about that because we knew that to eat the popcorn (and candy corn) wasn't sinful, but it wasn't going to be beneficial to us. Well, we ate it, and we felt gross afterwards. We managed our freedom, but we experienced a consequence that wasn't pleasant. Chances are that after we work out tonight, we won't indulge our appetites quite so much. But, we are learning to walk in grace and how to make good decisions for ourselves.

It isn't about following a list of rules. It's about walking in freedom, making good decisions in the power of the Holy Spirit, and pursuing things from a true place of desire. There is always a place for balance, and there are so many things I want to cultivate disciplines in (like meditation on Scripture, prayer, walking in the Spirit...), but I KNOW that I can't discipline myself to do things out of fear or duty because those are the wrong motives. Those kinds of works will not make it through the fire. Our Father is a good Dad. He knows we long to please Him and try our hardest. But even He desires that we do it out of desire and not duty. (Read Piper's little book, Duty and Desire...I forgot I read it until now.)

This is the abundant life Jesus was talking about...or at least a smidgen of it.

Surely Goodness and Mercy will follow me...

I have sure got a lot on my plate. When I begin thinking about it for too long, I get incredibly overwhelmed. I heard the Lord saying last night, "Enjoy the simple things. Simple. Simple. " That is my goal today. It doesn't make my list any shorter, but it gives me little bits of down time in the middle of the craziness.

The Lord is so good to show His love. Yesterday, I went to a prophetic teaching time at church. I mostly went to support my friend, Kathy, and to pray with other people (have really been desiring that lately), but wouldn't you know, the Lord showed up and smothered me in His abundant love. I was reminded of how much He enjoys me and loves who I am. I was reminded that He loves my personality and that I make Him smile. I was reminded that He is growing me taller and taller. I was reminded of the beautiful giftings He has given me and that He is going to use me. It was a sweet time to be with Him and feel Him lifting me out of the ickyness I had been feeling. Life gets harder when you try to live it on your own. I've been reminded more than ever that I am not self-sufficient and cannot live a self-sufficient life. I was bought with a price, and I am not my own.

He is so faithful to not leave us in our own mess. Aren't you glad?

Today, as I think through my list, I am really needing to just get organized. We have an appraisal tomorrow, and I need to clean the house and pay bills. Those are my priorities for today. Dave is at work. It is his LAST call at the hospital here. That is hard to believe!!! My list might seem shorter if I take a little nap...my eyes are a bit droopy.

Let the oil of the Lord's love soak you today. Just enjoy His refreshing.

Friday? Already?

I can't believe it is Friday again. This week is zooming past me!

I also can't believe I forgot to mention that Dave and I celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary on Tuesday! It was very nice. We got to go out last weekend and enjoy some yummy Indian food and a movie. That's pretty much the perfect date in my book. If you give me Indian food, I'll be happy.

Indian Corner has the best spicy pumpkin and vegetable dishes.
Kolam has the best honey balls (sorry, Sammy at Star of India, but it is true)
Desi Wok has the best Chicken Tikka Masala.
India Palace has the best chance of getting salmonella. For realz.

I love my husband. He can still make me laugh (but not with old jokes). He made me laugh a lot this anniversary. I'm so thankful for the years we've spent together and the ways God is growing us and teaching us. We're a good team.

I went to bed early last night b/c I hadn't slept much the night before. Maybe 4 hours? I was up with Lucy a lot and I got to bed late. Es no bueno. Dave let me sleep in again today. So nice. I think I actually got some decent rest (even with waking up in the middle of the night).

Today, we're going to bake a cake for Brooke's birthday party tonight. We're also going to go visit my Great Aunt Kathy for a little bit. Brooke's party is at the bowling alley. Can't wait to watch the kids bowl! They're always fun to watch.

Take out some time today to put lotion on your feet. It'll work wonders. Seriously.

Day By Day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

This is where I am right now. One foot in front of the other, taking each day one moment, one step at a time. I sense Jesus has linked His arm in mine and is bearing my weight as I take each step. It's a time of trusting Him to hold me up and for Him to be working out my life. It is such a revelation to come to a belief that He is really with me. I'm learning a lot about not getting ahead of myself and not letting the future dictate today (because the truth is that the future is not yet real for me and only Jesus knows what tomorrow holds). I must be IN this moment, trusting Him and walking with Him.

What a comfort I have in Him! I know several of you are walking through hard days. Just remember He is with you and in you. He will not allow your foot to stumble. He is also not slow concerning His promises. He will make us a display of His splendor for His glory. He's so good. Don't be afraid to lie back on His chest and take a nap. He never sleeps or slumbers and is mighty to save.

Is your heart about to explode with love for Him yet? :)