The Books Are Back

Since having the twins, I haven't been able to read nearly like I normally do.  I have always loved to read, and when I am sleep-deprived and going non-stop, I just don't have the time.

And when I'm nursing twins (mostly early on), I had a hard time concentrating on much...and the Facebook app on my phone kept me entertained, and I didn't have to think.

That has all recently changed.  Thank the Lord.  I have missed reading.  I have completed two books this week and started another.

1.  I started reading this back in March.  It took me awhile since I have still been in "baby fog" land.  I just finished it, and I LOVED IT.  I can't even put into words how fantastic this book is.

Buy one.  Buy some more for your friends.  Read her blog.  Be blessed, and be a blessing.

One Thousand Gifts

by Ann Voskamp

This book has helped me to really SEE.  To SEARCH.  To BE THANKFUL.  To BE A BLESSING.

To realize HE IS GOOD.

2.  I am in a discipleship group in our church.  Our pastor leads the group, and he asked us to read this next book.  It's pretty popular right now, though I don't know why--its topic is not a popular one.  I'm just going to trust the Holy Spirit is moving and using this little book.

Radical

by David Platt

The ideas and concepts in this book (discipleship, multiplication, wartime lifestyle, Great Commission) were not new to me.  In fact, I had three years of training in these ideas back in college.  I've lived as a mobilizer in the past, we regularly give to missionaries and have committed to long-term service overseas, we support a child with Compassion (that's her in the photo--Umutesi).  But, for the million things I'm NOT doing, this book was a GREAT reminder.  I didn't feel guilty when reading it, instead, my zeal for giving my life to the Great Commission was renewed.  I feel recharged and encouraged to press on.  There are companion materials online as well.



3.  The book I am now reading is to help prepare me for homeschooling.  I homeschooled Samuel last year, and we were successful.  He learned what he needed to, he blew me away with his brilliance, and unfortunately, we fought a lot.  This year, I will be homeschooling TWO kids.  Maryn will be in kindergarten, and Sam will move on to first grade.  And then there is busy 2-year-old Lucy and the baby twins.  I turned to my friend, Annette (who is a missionary is East Asia with 6 children that she homeschools), and said, "I want your advice."  THIS is the book she told me to read first.

For the Children's Sake

by Susan Schaeffer Macauley

I had been curious about Charlotte Mason, the woman whose ideas this book is patterned after.  She was a teacher/philosopher in the late 19th century.  I had read bits about her and how she viewed children as persons, not merely as containers to be filled with information.  I am excited to see what I learn from this book.  So far, I am enjoying it, and it is helping me to look at my children differently--each as unique creations by God with their own ideas and personalities.  I think when it comes to school, it is easy to lump them all together and do the same thing for each.  The beauty of homeschooling is being able to play to your child's strengths and to meet them on their level--to listen to them and learn from them as well.

I've been informed about a couple of online communities that espouse the Charlotte Mason philosophies:

Simple Homeschool

Ambleside Online

Thank you, Melissa and Laurel, for your suggestions.  I can't wait to spend more time on these sites.


Finally, I have another Charlotte Mason book (the Companion, actually) that I am going to read/peruse (cuz it's so big!!!).  And for fun, I am going to start with the first of the popular, new trilogy, The Hunger Games.

Happy Summer Reading!

My Journey To Contentment

I have seen that a couple of my friends were reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I checked out Ann's blog, and after reading just a few entries, I knew I had to read this book.  Desperately needed to read this book.  Why?

Because I am a complainer.  Discontent.  And it flows from my heart to my mind and out my mouth.  It's ugly.  It has imprisoned me in a state of negativity.  The pessimism was so thick, I couldn't see the optimism for the half-empty glasses.

The premise of the book is that it is gratitude that engages us into communion with God.  If we can't be thankful in the little things, we aren't worshipping Him, praising Him, or giving Him glory.  She began making a list of 1,000 things she loved, and in so doing, she discovered that each was a gift from God, and the mere naming of these things was worship.

I started a journal just for my list.

 "Every day, I will reflect on my blessings.  I will refuse to complain.  I will refuse negativity.  I will be thankful.  Even when it's hard, I will find that blessing in the pain, the beauty in the ash heap.  I will be changed.  He will soften my heart.  My mind. And my tongue.  I will learn to be content."

I've only been keeping my list for six days.  But I can already tell a difference.  I am not giving my mind free reign.  The minute a negative thought arises, I find myself telling it, "No, I will not complain.  How can I be thankful instead?"  Some of you may have noticed my thanksgiving posts on Facebook.  They arose out of this.  There are enough bad attitudes and complainers on Facebook.  I don't need to make it worse.

And you know what I've discovered?

People like to stop and be thankful.  They like the positive.  They like not thinking about what is wrong with everything.

#3    Dave coming home every day
#9    Felix's coughing laugh
#17  Bob Ross and "happy trees"
#19  My baby in heaven, only mine for a brief moment, but always God's
#20  The way Felix hold's Milo's hand while nursing or sleeping
#24  A heart that keeps hoping
#26  Having my hands full
#31  Sunshine
#32  Hearing the roll of tricycles on the deck
#37  The Helper who helps me to choose the path of holiness and contentment
#39  Lucy's giggle as she runs back to her bed and me trying not to smile

Wanna join me?

Contemplating The Passion of Jesus

Okay, so I have come up with something to talk about (we all knew it would happen).

Lately, I've been really thinking about Jesus and the cross.  It's appropriate, of course, with Easter just a month or so away.  I've always had good intentions to participate in Lent, though I never have.  I'm not normally this contemplative.

There's a big controversy in the evangelical sector over a pastor, Rob Bell, and his new book, Love Wins.  I don't intend to start an argument here in this post, so please don't do that.  I just wanted to say that thinking through the implications of his belief system has had me considering what I believe about the cross and what its purpose was--what Jesus' suffering did, both for Him and for me.  He became sin, not just carried it, but He actually BECAME it.  I cannot imagine what that must have felt like.  I know how I feel when I sin--ashamed, guilty, and burdened by my own depravity.  I can't imagine what He felt especially because He had never known it.

I think about how the Bible says He descended INTO hell.  Can you imagine?  He was the perfect, holy Son of the Living God.  He became sin and descended into the place the Father prepared for Satan and his demons.  Do you think at that moment that Satan thought he had won the battle?  Do you think he rejoiced over Jesus' descent?  I can imagine the look on his face when the Holy Spirit raised Him from the dead.  Shock.  Confusion.  Anger.

I don't ever want to be guilty of diminishing His work on the cross.  It is central to our Faith.  It is faith in this act that redeems us.  God forgive me if I have made light of Your holy sacrifice.

I downloaded a free album called Songs for Lent by New York Hymns.  You can get it HERE (along with some other GREAT music).  It is folky and meditative.  I made a playlist for the babies with it because it is so mellow.  Each song is for a stage of the cross.  As I listen, I am being led through the Passion.  Not only is the music great, but the songs have put my heart in a contemplative place.  I find myself trying to get inside of Jesus' head and see his thoughts and feelings during that time of suffering.

I have to take the stance that Jesus' death on the cross is relevant to now and the hereafter.  I have to believe that He came for a reason.  I have to believe that what He did makes all the difference in my life--because I know who I was before HIM.  I know that I can't make it on my own.  He is so merciful.  He is so gracious.

Take some time in this Lenten season and really think about Him--think about His joys, His laughter, His sorrows, His sufferings, His victory!  And He did it all for us.  Now that's True Love.

Having a Heart Like Mary

Though I don't really classify myself into a Christian denomination, I have grown to love so many different traditions and can appreciate the roots of my faith. In recent years, I have really come to respect Catholicism. I was raised a Protestant, and honestly, I was taught that there were very few Catholics who really knew God. I look at that now and laugh because I have come to know so many who know Him!

I don't fully know or understand all of the Catholic teachings about Mary, but I have learned this: I have not given Mary the respect she deserves as a hero of the faith. It's easy to praise people like Moses, or Paul, or Abraham, but Mary is often overshadowed in Protestant circles.

I had the rare opportunity to identify with Mary when I gave birth to Samuel on Christmas Day. I know that December 25th isn't really the day Jesus was born, but I still found myself thinking through Mary's experience in becoming a mother to the Son of God. I understood the special feelings she probably had--being pregnant, knowing that the baby who would be born was special, knowing that she would one day have to give Him up. As I looked at Samuel, I knew that motherhood was special, and how much MORE special it was for her.

This year, I am pregnant with twin boys, Felix and Milo. I was 37 weeks yesterday, and I am so grateful that I have had a healthy pregnancy and made it to term with them. I have been struggling in my heart, though, because it is quite possible I may have a c-section. I know c-sections aren't a big deal for a lot of people. I know that people often recover quickly and well from them. I know that in the grand scheme of my life, it isn't that big of a deal. I know that it is a beautiful experience for the mommies who have them. I can't downplay the experiences of others. I KNOW it's okay, so don't feel a need to convince me of it.

But, natural birth is very important to me. It is one of my passions. It is something I have devoted time and research to, something I have experienced, and something I think women should be educated about.

In dealing with my own disappointments concerning my birthing experience, I am being taught of the Lord. He is showing me today that I can trust Him no matter the outcome. I can say like Mary, "I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled." (Luke 1:38) Mary humbly accepted the Lord's will for her--to bear the Son of God while yet a virgin engaged to be married.

Mary had to sacrifice to carry Jesus. She could have said, "No, I don't think I want to do this. I'm not willing, and I don't want to ruin my reputation or my upcoming marriage. It's not convenient, and I have my whole life ahead of me." Instead, she proclaimed herself the servant of the Lord, and she welcomed the fulfillment of the angel's words.

She said, "Yes, Lord. Your will be done."

I, too, have been chosen for this. God knew these boys before I even knew they existed in my womb. He has had plans for them before the foundation of the earth. He knit them together in my body and knows them intimately. Every mother has to make a sacrifice when it comes to childbirth--whatever the form. Mine may be the pain of natural childbirth, or it may be surgery and recovery. Either way, there is a sacrifice involved (not to mention the sacrifices of caring for children!). Am I going to walk into it with a willing heart or a begrudging one?

Will I choose to have a heart like Mary's that welcomes whatever may come? Or will I demand my own way, my own timing, my own experience? I do not know what will happen. I do not know if I will get to have a natural birth or a c-section. But, I do know that His ways are higher than mine. His words for me are for good and not evil. He will not lead me down a hard path without providing the grace I need to walk it with Him.

Today, I choose Mary's response. I pray I will do the same tomorrow and each day so that I can say with full confidence, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name." (Luke 1:46-49)

I'm a Failure, and It's Okay.

I think I probably fail more than I succeed. I attribute this to being human. I am not without error. How I handle failure is often more telling of my beliefs than the actual failures themselves.

I think we're scared of the word "failure". We've been taught not to call ourselves that because then we can't "do whatever we put our minds to". I don't think we need to be scared of it. Failure is inevitable. We're all going to mess up; we've all sinned. We're all imperfect and wicked at times. We think impure thoughts, we get angry and murder people in our minds, and we willfully do the wrong thing--over and over.

Why are we scared to fail? Is it because we're afraid of what people will think of us when we announce that we failed? Or is it because we know we're not "good enough" for God?

Take comfort, friends.

You're not good enough for God...on your own.

Knowing Jesus makes you good enough in EVERY way. Despite your human failures, the blood of Jesus shines through, His grace covers, and His love overwhelms every single failure.

Did you know that Jesus BECAME sin on the cross? He didn't just carry it--HE BECAME SIN. What does that mean for us? Every single failure--He became it. He put to death those failures, and He rose victorious over them. Because He did that, we also died to them and rose victorious over them.

So, I sinned today. You did too. We both failed.

But...

we trust in His death and resurrection over those sins, and we can rise to walk in His victorious life.

He's not mad at us.
He's not disappointed in us.
He's not surprised at us.

He's pleased with us.
He's rejoicing over us.
He knows us intimately.
He loves us.

So stop acting like He's a meanie out to get you. You couldn't be further from the truth.

Knowing God: A How Not To

Last night, a girl I really don't know well at all told me that she envies the way I know God.

I laughed.

I was at a meeting called Celebrate Recovery!--it's like AA for everything--life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I think this is why I laughed. Here I am, obviously a "beggar at the door of God's mercy," and she envies ME. I was flat-out humbled. And realized even more how great God is.

She went on to say, "I've been a Christian for a long time, but I don't feel like I have that kind of relationship with God the way you do. I want to know what I need to do to get there."

I replied, "Well, I'm sorry to say, but there is nothing you can do to get there."

I went on to explain that God's work of grace in my life has been a long road. My journey to "get there" is not complete. I've been blessed by experiences with Him, grace extended to me in my darkest moments, and just loved on by His people. My journey into a deeper relationship with God goes far beyond a list of things to do. In fact, I can't take any credit for the journey. I believe He has orchestrated all of it. If anything on my part, there was a desire to know Him more. He has been faithful to grant that.

"Even you just asking me about this tonight is part of YOUR journey. You will look back someday and remember that this was part of it," I told her.

I tried to explain that there were a couple of really great books that have shaped and blessed me over the years. I wrote down the titles* and gave them to her. I told her to call me if she wanted to chat some more. I hope she does.

I think she wanted a formula. The "me" from just a few years back would have wanted one too. Perhaps, she wanted me to say, "If you just read your Bible more, pray more, be faithful to church, and stop sinning, THEN you can know Him more deeply." A lot of churches teach this heresy. The path to knowing God is not about disciplining yourself into what you believe is obedience. It's about letting Him reveal Himself to you in a myriad of ways--yes, His Word is one way, but so are His people and His very voice in your spirit, speaking His truth to you and over you.

There is NO formula.

In the kingdom of heaven, a+b≠c. Everything is a paradox--you die to live, you lose to win, the first is last, you give to those who take from you.

There is NO formula.

I'll end with this quote I read on Facebook yesterday. It totally sums up how I feel about my walk with God--knowing Him, letting Him love me, and being able to love Him back:

I used to think that what God wanted for me to do was try harder, get
more committed, deny myself and keep my sin under control and then I
would begin to see change. But I am learning that the fight in the
Christian life is the fight of faith...to believe the Gospel of grace
...(that God in Christ has forgiven you of all your debt with Him and that He has given you all His 'rightness') really is true. -Tom Wood

I repeat, there is NO formula.

*The titles I recommended are The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning which was a catalyst in my journey of grace. In my journey of understanding God's love, He Loves Me! by Wayne Jacobsen takes the cake.

My Journey from Legalism to Grace and How I Am Getting There

First of all, thank you for your continued prayers. Kathy is awake and off the respirator. Please pray for her spiritual and mental state right now. I can't elaborate as I have no details and I want to protect her privacy. Just pray that she will rest in Him and be at peace. I do not know any of the test results at this point.

Now, in reference to my title, I would like to provide a little map of how I came out of constricting and debilitating legalism into a spacious and gracious place. I first give God 100% of the credit. He was and is so faithful to meet me where I'm at. As I look back on my brief 30 years, I can see His hand carefully guiding and shaping me. And interestingly enough, He used other people to mold me--many of them regular people, but a few artists thrown in there. So, if you're wanting to move forward in freedom and grace in your Christian walk, here are some folks that God used in my life. You should google them. :)

1. Rich Mullins

You can't listen to Rich Mullins and feel unloved or unworthy. He so captures the heart of God in all of his music. If 80s music doesn't bother you too much, then you'll enjoy Rich. I have always called him a modern-day Apostle Paul. He'd probably laugh if he heard me say that. Seriously, though, the man knew Jesus (he died in a tragic car accident well over 10 years ago). If you want a good biography about him, check out _An Arrow Pointing to Heaven_ by James Bryan Smith. The book blessed me and gave me an even greater picture of who he was and what God had accomplished in his life.

2. Stephanie Thiemann

Now, I don't think Steph is up for discipling you because she lives in India right now, but she is great. Steph got the great job of showing me how legalistic I was and how self-righteous. Fun, huh? But seriously, she was great at it. I never felt condemned by her. Even when I hit my lowest point EVER, she never condemned me. She loved me through it. I've mentioned before the CRAZY prayer journals I used to keep. If you don't recall, they were really bad. I tried to keep each page even and pray with the ACTS method--one page of adoration, one of confession, one of thanksgiving, one of supplication--if I wrote two pages of one, then by George, I better do two pages of each. She told me to stop. That was HUGE. I stopped, and I haven't retreated back to the comfort of the ACTS method. It challenged my prayer life.

3. Waterdeep

This band is amazacrazy. You should check them out if you haven't already. They get it. They get Jesus' love and mission. They also have a great sound--very unique in the Christian arena. This ain't The Gaithers, friends. (Nothing against the Gaithers, I just don't like that kind of music). I really enjoyed their project with 100 Portraits "Enter the Worship Circle". Start there and then branch out into all their albums.

4. Dinah Fox

She has no idea the impact she had on me that summer. I will never forget it. We were sitting in a Sunday School class out in Colorado, and our teacher was being all seminary-like and our heads were swimming as we had no clue what he was talking about. She leaned over to me and said, "If all I ever knew was that Jesus loved me, that'd be enough for me." I had NEVER thought about that. Not that the pursuit of knowledge is evil or a waste of time, it's not. But, how often does our pursuit of it actually lead us to Jesus? If it doesn't lead us to Him, we should abandon it; it's lost its purpose. At that point, I knew I wanted people like Dinah in my life. People who were coming into an understanding of His great and unmeasurable love.

5. Brennan Manning

Dinah actually told me about him. She told me to read _The Ragamuffin Gospel_. It changed my life. I realized I was a beggar at Heaven's door, and Jesus loved me. Really loved me. You should read this book if you haven't. It's transformational.

6. Kristin Ross

Grace-filled woman of God. She talks really fast. And she listens hard. I was able to confess my sin to her without judgment. Through all my tears, she was there, loving me and encouraging me. She was like Dinah--safe. I knew she knew Him like I wanted to.

7. Jeremy Irvan

Jeremy loved me the way I was, and he wasn't afraid to tell me the truth. That's rare. I never felt condemned, but I did hear truth from him. I'll never forget it.

8. Kim Stephens

Loving. Gracious. Healing. Kim is a healer of souls. I believe God has gifted her this way. She nurtured me in one of my most vulnerable states, and I am grateful for the way she poured out her life on me.

9. Megan Dart

She has loved me through it all. Being persistently loved by people when you're unlovely is just so Godly. Megan has been that for me. She never threw in the towel--just like Jesus.

10. David Geidl, my husband

He sees me at my worst. He loves me still. His forgiveness and love have made marriage more beautiful. We're on this journey together, and it is exciting to see him moving on this same path. We encourage one another along the way. He's an oak of righteousness.

11. The Summit Church

They stepped outside the box. It was new for me. It was refreshing. I cherish the four years I spent there with that group of believers. If you're in a church where things refuse to change, you will not see much grace. I'm thankful that the Summit is a gracious body.

12. Marla Livers

Marla teaches me all the time. She is the kind of friend who'll get down in the mud with you and help you get out. She has suffered more than her fair share in life, but she NEVER minimalizes my suffering. She's a living example of God's grace.

13. Melissa Smith

She is my twin in personality. We both struggle with being rule-makers and rule-followers. But we're growing together. We've both changed a lot. But we are a beautiful picture of iron sharpening iron. It's awesome how God has used her to shape me. I can't imagine what kind of person I would be right now if we hadn't become friends.

14. Kathy Ruddick

It's hard to think about her being in the hospital and having suffered so much for the last three months. She is a mighty woman of God. She led me out of an intellectual prison into the freedom of the Spirit. She has never assumed a place of authority over me, but rather, she has served me endlessly always pointing me back to Jesus. "Why don't you pray about that, Amanda?" She always listens, but she knows Who has the answers.

15. Kaysie Steele

Kaysie told me once, when I was hitting a rough patch, "Sometimes, it's just life. It happens. The cause of it isn't really important." Kaysie has gone through so much, but she has such a good perspective on it. She's not blaming. She walks in grace with her family and her friends. You gotta love a woman with a good head on her shoulders.

16. Meredith Mayer

Pure in heart. Gracious. She knows her Father's voice. She is precious and encouraging. She brightens my days with her laughter, and her sincerity can't be beat. We haven't even known one another for a year, and yet, I feel like we've known one another for decades. She loves hard. That's important.

17. Donald Miller

Just read his stuff. He's great. He really captures faith in action--loving people practically.

18. W. Paul Young

Yes, the author of _The Shack_. I don't agree 100% with everything he says there, but this book was a catalyst for me spiritually. It set me on a path to become more aware of God's heart.

19. Wayne Jacobsen

_He Loves Me!_ is awesome. It builds on _The Shack_ in a more Scripture-saturated kind of way.

20. Danny Silk

_Loving our Kids on Purpose_ built on the two previous books (above). It translated for me how to parent like God. How to extend grace in parenting--it's valuable stuff.

21. David Crowder Band

"Church Music" is what I listen to most of the time. This album is so where I'm at right now. DCB is where it's at.

22. Believer's Church

This is a community of genuine folks who let it all hang out--good, bad, and ugly. They're beautiful people with a heart for seeing Jesus all over the world and into the hidden nooks and crannies of our lives. I love 'em.

What I find interesting about my journey is that my list is full of regular people that I have lived in community with at a point in my life. There are so many more people I could have added, but for space's sake, I added the ones that jumped right out at me as I chronicled my journey in my head. We were meant for community--meant to live together, loving one another as Christ loves us, extending His message of grace to those around us. It's beautiful stuff.

Disappointment and Hope

I've heard a few people talking about how they feel a spirit of hope rising in their hearts for the coming year. They sense God's hope rising above the sadness and struggles and in spite of them. I must confess, 2010 hasn't been so great for me. I'm struggling to sense that hope, though I know it is there.

Dave and I were talking last night, and I had a really great cry--the kind where my body was heaving and I was gasping for air. It is so cleansing to just release all of the pent-up emotion that I had tried to keep at bay. I've sensed that the one who wars for my soul has been on my case to steal my joy and rob me of my hope in the One who makes all things new.

I lost my baby. I'm sad. Not all the time, just occasionally, but it hits at unexpected times, and I am sometimes unprepared to deal with it in that moment, and what it turns into is me getting snappy, illogical, and blaming. I feel jealousy when I hear another person is pregnant. I certainly do not wish ill will on anyone, but I do feel that jealousy creep in from time to time.

I have known now for several years that people don't understand why Dave and I want to have several children. People often said when it was just Sam and Maryn, "Well, now you have one of each, so you're complete!" What is that? Who decided that was the "perfect" family? We have a longing in our hearts for children. We can't explain that to everyone, but we know it is part of our purpose. We want to adopt, and as I've mentioned before, some people think that's crazy since we already have three kids. We so strongly feel that children are a blessing from the Lord--a gift. We believe part of our purpose as husband and wife is to reflect the truth of Christ and the Church in our marriage--the husband (Christ) gives new life to the wife (the Church). That may not gel with some of you, but that is what we believe about our union and what it represents.

So, when I lost the baby, I had certain expectations for what my grief would look like. It certainly wasn't looking like what others had experienced. Now, I'm realizing it really is different for everyone. I am realizing that Solomon was right when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12). We so hoped for another baby right now. It has been deferred, and I am disappointed. My heart sometimes feels sick. It's hard to watch others walking forward in their pregnancy, knowing that I should be experiencing it with them.

But losing the baby isn't my only disappointment. Trying to fatten up Lucy has been a chore. There are times when she is completely uninterested in her food, and I worry about it. I don't need more suggestions for how to fix it, I just need to be able to release her to the Lord's care. He showed me a year ago that she was for the "display of His splendor" and "the smallest a mighty nation". She is going to be okay. I hang onto that, but it seems hard to remember it in the midst of the disappointment.

I have also been disappointed about small town life. I was under the impression that in small towns, everyone knows everyone and everyone takes care of each other. I have found this to not be true. It may be true if you've lived in that town your whole life, but if you are a newcomer, you are on the outside. I've even heard people say, "You can live there for 10 years and still be the 'new' person in town."

My best friend here is moving away today. She will be 2.5 hours away, and we will still talk on the phone. But, I am sad about it. I am going to miss her. I have made a few other friends, and I am happy that I am building relationships with them. I am thankful to have them. But I see the way so many gossip about one another and the way even believers are not supportive of one another. It breaks my heart to see fragmenting like this in the Body.

So, I have these disappointments and others, but I'm sitting in the secret place letting my Father love me. This is all I can do right now. I can't make my situations more comfortable. I can't make people change. I can't right all the wrongs. I can only rest in His love.

And dance away the darkness.

I do a lot of that. You may think that's crazy, but it really works. When I feel the darkness creeping in and trying to steal my joy, I put on some David Crowder and dance all over the house. I bring my body into submission and trample the lies I'm hearing and let my body be a sacrifice of praise.

I long for the Hope. I ache for it. I crave it. I will cling to it though the darkness hides it. His light will break forth like the dawn. So, I say,

"The sun will no more be your light by day,
nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory." Isaiah 60:19

Melting Pot Post

I want to thank my many wonderful supportive friends for your kind comments and prayers. I feel very good right now, and I continue to rest in the grace of God. I also want to thank my parents for their constant support and love during this time. It means so much.

When I told my brother about losing my baby, he was sad, obviously. However, later he called me and said he and his wife would love to adopt a Haitian child. Dave and I would love to as well. Unfortunately, the process is not super easy right now. The Department of Homeland Security allowed Humanitarian Parole for Haitian orphans that were in process of adoption PRIOR TO the earthquake. It still will take some time to determine if the children that are in emergency foster care from Haiti are indeed orphans. The goal is to keep them in their families if at all possible. We will still continue to look into it.

Our friend, Mark, went to Haiti with a group of residents from Dave's program in Tulsa. I was really hoping he would bring me a Haitian baby in his carry-on. :) I kid...kind of.

Dave and I have always wanted to adopt. We still do. We are holding that open before the Lord and seeing where He takes us on this adventure. One thing that is important to us is to be debt free. I know there are varying viewpoints on this, and I am not here to debate it, but our goal is to not be beholden to anyone as far as money is concerned. This frees us up for giving and serving and adopting. Plus, we have a goal to go overseas long-term, and we don't want to have debt for that. I saw a stat from UNICEF that said there are 143-210 million orphans worldwide. That is 50%-70% of the US population. This is not an unachievable task. God is bigger.

We are open to adopting domestically or internationally. The way we see it, it doesn't matter so much where--just as long as we do it. Each child matters and is worth it.

I've heard people say in the past, "Well, you can have children of your own, why would you want to adopt?" Well, it is on the heart of God, so it is on our hearts as well. Our hearts have lots of room for children. We love our children dearly and desire more of them--why? Because bringing forth new life is a beautiful picture of what Christ does in us, the Church--He brings forth new life and makes us a new creation. We have cherished each of our children from the womb, but we would gladly cherish a child crafted in another woman's womb as well. We hold that before God and say, "We will serve You."

I truly do believe that if you follow Jesus, you need to be involved in caring for orphans--whether that means helping raise funds for others who are adopting, providing your home to foster children, being a foster respite worker relieving foster parents when they need a break, or adopting a child. There are so many great organizations to get involved with. One way Dave and I have cared for an orphan since we got married is through Compassion International. Our Rwandan daughter, Umutesi Constantine, was most likely orphaned during the Rwandan genocide in the early 90s. She lives with her aunt now, but we support her through Compassion. She will be 18 this year. She chose to follow Jesus last year. We hope to meet her one day and see her thriving because we supported her. We love how she calls us her "dear parents in the Lord". We really think of her as our own.

We have several friends who are involved in orphan care--one family in our town provides respite care for a foster mom. One of our friends adopted a son. Dave's brother and his wife adopted a daughter. Some friends in Tulsa are new foster parents, and another friend there is in process to become a foster parent. We have friends who adopted three daughters from China. We have many friends currently in the process of adoption--here are a few of them; feel free to support them if you can:

Mick and Gayla
Cameron and Jenny
Steve and Joanna

If you are in process of adopting and want me to add you to my list, let me know!

In other news, I am really enjoying my kids. We've hit a new stage, and it is so much fun. They keep us laughing most of the time. It is so great! Sam is learning stuff like crazy. He hit 5 and became a huge sponge. It is so cool to watch him--his drawings are amazing--especially the ones on the Etch-A-Sketch--his skills are far beyond mine, for sure! He is reading well. We're working on the necessary sight words. He's getting them. It was hard for him at first because he really wanted to sound them out. He's getting it, though.

Just in case you're wondering what I'm doing with him--last year, I bought a $15 Pre-Reading Hooked on Phonics kit at Target. It is great. It has three or four sets of flashcards, a CD with exercises on it, and books to work through along with a progress chart and stickers. I think it was the best $15 I ever spent. In fact, we are going to need more books soon!

Maryn is an actress. She is constantly re-enacting TV shows. She also tells Sam what lines he has to say. She is extra cuddly too, which we love!!! She is doing great on her letters. She still confuses a couple of them, but she's doing great. Her potty time is much better too. She seems to have gotten over the hump. I hope. :) She's still strong-willed (and will be forever, I guess), but our discipline really seems to be working. I can't say I adhere to any certain discipline philosophy, but I really love Love and Logic. It has helped a lot with her. She is also enjoying me teaching her daily tasks--like laundry sorting and folding sheets, towels, etc. She is a big girl.

Lucy is almost walking. She took a step last night. She gets so proud of herself. We love it! She babbles a lot. I know she wishes she knew more words--she gets frustrated sometimes. She knows some signs, but she won't use them. About 2 weeks ago, I started her on a high-caloric diet to beef her up. She was doing great until we transitioned to food. She really struggled with the transition, and her weight was affected. She's doing much better now, and I hope with this diet she will pack on the pounds! Do pray with us about this. We really want to see her gain some weight in the next 3 weeks. She's only nursing morning and night now. We'll see if she nurses as long as Maryn (17 months). She is so cute. Seriously. The cutest baby on the planet=my LuLu. She is so affectionate, and she is getting better about going to other people. She is trying to drop her morning nap. Already. Sam did the same thing, but he did it at 11 months. She still has quiet time in her bed in the mornings, and it is good.

I am so thankful for my sweet little family. I love each of them and how God is growing all of us. My biggest struggle is my house. I just don't like to clean. I'd rather play with the kids or read a good book! However, I really am trying to bless my family and bring peace to our home, so I am trying to keep it looking nice and clean. But, I still may hire someone to help with the harder stuff that I don't seem to have time for.

Well, if you made it this far, you are truly devoted to me. I appreciate it. Once again, thank you, my friends--the few of you who have stuck with me over the last four years of my blogging. I love you and appreciate your prayers and support. I am blessed.

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

I wanted to share something very near to my heart. I know this is a public forum. I know that not everyone who reads my blog is even known to me. Many of you are my friends in "real life", some of you are my friends in blogger-land, and then there are those who are like sisters to me though we haven't met (or met briefly!!!). Some of you may wonder why I haven't told you in person or on the phone--I don't know why--just don't take it personally--it's not an easy thing to talk about. I hesitated to write about it on here, but I really want my friends here to see God's grace and peace worked out in my life. I want them to see the way He takes care of his children. I miscarried last week. I was not very far along--not even 5 weeks.

We are sad, but we are not in despair. We so feel His grace and peace in this--I can't even describe it. Miscarriage is something I didn't know much about until I was married. I didn't realize how common it is. 10% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. So many more times, people miscarry and don't even know it (this is the more common statistic you see which is between 20%-33%). I've also noticed a lot of women don't talk about it. I understand why they don't want to talk about it. It sucks. It's hard. It is so personal and dear to our hearts--and it hurts to talk about it. However, I really feel like hearing these stories from other women helps others walk through it if they have to.

My dear friend, Marla, lost two babies after they were born. Watching her walk through that unspeakable grief empowered me in a way I didn't realize. Though she and her husband were devastated, their world did not end. They still loved God, still trusted Him, and came to a place of peace with their loss. I could see God's grace on her in her trials. I couldn't understand how she must be feeling, but I imagined how horrible it would be.

Miscarriage is something I have always feared and dreaded. In fact, each time I've been pregnant, I've found myself worrying about it or wondering when my turn would come (it was especially hard because I had SO MANY friends losing babies). When we discovered I was pregnant, it felt very surreal and honestly, I didn't feel good about it. I just felt like something wasn't right, and I did not have high hopes that this pregnancy would continue. I see His grace even in that intuition--it somehow prepared my heart. When I began miscarrying, I saw that it was the end--I would not hold my baby, and I would have to wait to meet him/her.

But, even in my sadness, I found comfort and peace in the arms of Jesus. He grieved with me. I do not believe this was His Will. His will is not for babies to die. It is not his will that sin and death rule. He did not design it this way. However, He does allow the effects of sin in the world to have their consequences. I don't know why He intervenes sometimes and not others. But I do know He is good. I know that He was weeping with me. I know His heart is grieved when we suffer.

But I also know that He is a redeemer!!!!

He will not allow our suffering to be wasted.

He will not leave something ugly. He will make it beautiful.

He can't help it--He loves to make all things new.

I totally trust Him. I totally love Him. I totally worship Him without reservation.

No matter what hard thing you have to walk through, know that He will redeem that in your life. He so wants to show you his mercy and grace in your time of need. He is good, and His mercy endures forever.

The Advent of the Light

I read Luke 1 this morning, and I was so moved. Reading as Elizabeth prophesied, then Mary, then Zechariah--all of them focused on the coming of the ONE. Their world was dark, too. I'm sure it seemed so hopeless, living under Roman occupation with extreme poverty and little freedom. Not too much has changed. Of course, I sense that though the Church in America is wealthy and free materially, we are not so spiritually.

We are bankrupt of love. We look out for our own welfare not concerned for the welfare of others (I am NOT even talking about the government--I am talking about the CHURCH). We have forgotten HIM and what HE came to do and what he entrusted US to do. Instead, we heap yokes of burden on others--piles of rules and regulations that can't possibly be kept. We expect people to PROVE their devotion to God by how much they DO. We are slaves to a law that we've been freed from--and it is all of our own choosing.

We boycott bars, people, movies, corporations, and we fail to see that we are arrogant and full of our own glory. We esteem ourselves as "not having done this or that" and "avoiding the appearance of evil"--whitewashed tombs full of dead men's bones. We have missed it. We are in darkness (of our own choosing).

Zechariah, John's father, prophesied this:

Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come and has redeemed his people. He has raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David (as he said through his holy prophets of long ago), salvation from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us--to show mercy to our fathers and to remember his holy covenant, the oath he swore to our father Abraham: to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to ENABLE US TO SERVE HIM WITHOUT FEAR in his holiness and righteousness before him all our days...because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to SHINE on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace. (Luke 1: 68-75, 78-79)

This is our message--a message of hope to a people living in darkness. But how can we communicate it if we too are living in darkness? Step into the light, the freedom, and embrace the Rising Sun so that you may be able to embrace others with His light and life.

Arms in the Air

Today is the day.

My good friend, Marla, is going to become a mother for the fifth time. I will never forget where I was when I got the news that she was headed to the hospital the first time. I was so excited. It was 6 in the morning almost 6 years ago. I had predicted what day she would deliver (and I was RIGHT). I also will never forget where I was when I heard that everything was NOT okay. I was in the teacher's lounge using the phone to call her and find out how Halley was doing. Marla answered and said, "You haven't heard?" She was obviously still in shock. Halley wasn't breathing on her own, her muscles were constricted, and they had no idea what was wrong.

I prayed and prayed for the next two months.

I really thought she would be healed.

Then, Nate and Marla had to make the hardest decision of their lives. They had to remove life support from their precious Halley because her organs were all failing.

I didn't know what to do. How do you help someone who has just lost their first child to an unknown disease? Our small group planted some flowers for them, and we went to the memorial service. I now cannot hear "Fly to Jesus" without bawling. Halley's life, though brief, changed mine forever. I told God, "I really thought you were going to heal her."

He said, "I did--just not how you thought I would."

It was hard to watch Nate and Marla grieve. Especially when I became pregnant shortly after Halley's death. The guilt I felt for being pregnant when her baby was gone was hard to bear. Sometimes, I just didn't know what to say.

I was about 4-5 months pregnant with Sam when Marla announced they were pregnant again. We were all overjoyed, but we were also scared because the doctors thought it could be a genetic disease that was not yet documented. No other known disease really explained it. I had Sam, and Marla continued to grow and blossom in her pregnancy. Things were looking okay, but they didn't really know what to think because Halley's pregnancy had been normal (to their knowledge). Just over 14 months after Halley was born, I got a phone call from our good (and mutual) friend, Melissa, telling me that they were doing a c-section to get Porter out because his non-stress tests looked concerning.

I remember yelling in the phone, "No!!! This is NOT happening again!" Melissa and I cried together over the phone, and once again, I started to pray.

Porter was taken out several weeks early, but his symptoms looked frighteningly familiar. And again, two months after he came into the world, Nate and Marla had to, once again, remove their baby from life support. At the visitation, I just didn't know what to say. My baby was healthy and six months old. That guilt returned.

"I'm so sorry," was about all I could muster. His little body in the casket was almost too much to bear. It was good for me to see him, though. It helped a little. I just could not believe I was going to yet another funeral for one of their children. Of course, now the doctors had determined that the disease was genetic, and that they had a 25% chance of a baby having it each time they conceived. That is devastating news to bear.

Marla told me later that people often said insensitive things to her in hopes of cheering her up. I didn't want to be one of those people. I found it hard to find things to say, but I tried to listen if she was willing to talk.

A few months after Porter's death, I found out I was pregnant again. Guilt returned (also because I had another close friend who had miscarried that summer as well). But then, there was finally some GOOD NEWS.

Nate and Marla were going to adopt a baby.

I prayed and prayed that the adoption would go smoothly and that the birth mother would not change her mind.

And Shepherd was born. We had a baby shower after he arrived, and it was so sweet because Marla didn't let anybody hold him. But no one tried to--we all wanted her to hold her baby as much as she wanted!!! He was theirs. I had Maryn about two and a half months later.

We all went off to our separate residency programs, and we grew closer than we'd ever been. We talked weekly (sometimes multiple times a week). I watched Marla grow in grace. You could see the Lord was healing her. She is very transparent and honest about how she's feeling. It was good to hear her talk about her grief and her journey to healing.

She called one day and dropped the bomb that she was pregnant AGAIN! I didn't think she was crazy. I knew that she and Nate were not flippant about this. I knew that they listened very carefully to what God was telling them to do--especially in this area. I prayed and prayed for her baby, had others praying, and when the day came, Owen was born, and he was healthy!

I cannot begin to describe the joy that we all felt over this news!!!

Marla and I have grown so close through the years, and I am blessed to be in this spot once again, praying for her and her sweet baby girl, Marley, who will arrive in the next hour or so. I have learned so much from Marla about trusting God, about being real, about grief, about fear, and about being healed.

I may have prayed for Marla, but she too has prayed for me. She doesn't minimalize my struggles by comparing them to hers. This is what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like. I'm sure of it! Holding one another up as we walk through life--the good, the bad, and the devastating. It's mutual.

So, now, would you join me in praying for the safe arrival of Marley Grace? I'll post again with the news. We're believing God for another miracle!

Managing our Freedom

It's funny how busyness is different in different places. In residency, Dave was busy with work, Good Samaritan, meetings, call, etc. I was busy with Bible study, book club, and events. Now that we've moved here, a few things are the same--he still has call every week (though it is from home), and I still have Bible study. However, we've also found a way to be busy in other things.

We exercise. Every day (but Sunday--we rest our bodies). Since we have three children, daily exercise--together--is difficult. And boy, do we need one another! If we weren't there to encourage one another in it, we wouldn't do it. So, every night, after we put the kids to bed, we put in our DVDs. We do Gilad's (from FitTV) workouts. We do cardio and strength training, alternately, six days a week. It's huge for us! But, we've realized, that we have less free time in the evenings now that we exercise.

Dave commented the other day, "How did we get so busy here?" Well, we have a small group meeting on Sunday nights. We have a meeting in Conway every Tuesday night. I have a women's Bible study on Tuesday mornings. Dave is "off" (sometimes) on Wednesdays, so we run a lot of errands. It's busy, but it is a good kind of busy. We are much healthier than we've been in a long time.

Somewhere along the way, we started choosing to do things out of a desire to be healthy rather than a place of guilt or obligation. I remember being heavy laden in college with three Bible studies a week, church, community group, and a large student meeting each week (not to mention the part-time job and my classes). It was too much, and much of it, I did it because I felt like if I didn't that I wasn't spiritual enough. Now, the things I choose are out of genuine desire and not duty. It's healthier and more rewarding.

No longer do I cower under obligation. Though it may be kind of a silly way to go about things, I reached a point in my life where I wouldn't do something (even if it was good) if I was doing it out of guilt, shame, or obligation. Instead, I would only do those things when the desire came. I know some of you are thinking, "If I did that, I would never do any of the things I am supposed to do." That may be true. It wasn't for me, and that surprises me (because I believed that too)!

It seems like desire finally had the opportunity to arise because I was not giving obligation and duty any room to rule me. I guess, in a way, I learned to manage my freedom (in much the same way I'm trying to teach my children to do). I chose not to exercise. This had consequences. I was free from the guilt of obligation to exercise--I was not a slave to it, but the consequence for not exercising is getting fatter and flabbier. Suddenly, a desire to be healthy and fit arose, and I gladly chose to exercise. I made decisions, and I ruled my decisions instead of them ruling me.

Last night, after we finished "Cardio Strike!", we made some popcorn (and a bag of candy corn) and sat down to finish a movie we'd started. We started talking about how eating the popcorn (and candy corn) might not be a good idea. I said something like, "We're free to eat popcorn (and candy corn). It's not that big of a deal." Dave agreed, and then said, "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." (a quote from the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 10:23). We laughed about that because we knew that to eat the popcorn (and candy corn) wasn't sinful, but it wasn't going to be beneficial to us. Well, we ate it, and we felt gross afterwards. We managed our freedom, but we experienced a consequence that wasn't pleasant. Chances are that after we work out tonight, we won't indulge our appetites quite so much. But, we are learning to walk in grace and how to make good decisions for ourselves.

It isn't about following a list of rules. It's about walking in freedom, making good decisions in the power of the Holy Spirit, and pursuing things from a true place of desire. There is always a place for balance, and there are so many things I want to cultivate disciplines in (like meditation on Scripture, prayer, walking in the Spirit...), but I KNOW that I can't discipline myself to do things out of fear or duty because those are the wrong motives. Those kinds of works will not make it through the fire. Our Father is a good Dad. He knows we long to please Him and try our hardest. But even He desires that we do it out of desire and not duty. (Read Piper's little book, Duty and Desire...I forgot I read it until now.)

This is the abundant life Jesus was talking about...or at least a smidgen of it.

The Things I Saw There

The main purpose for going to Norfolk was to attend Angela and Craig's wedding (heard them referred to as "Crangela", and I haven't stopped chuckling about it!). I briefly got to see Ange on Thursday night, and she looked like a radiant, slightly stressed bride. There were so many people to talk to, mingle with, and details to remember. She did her best making her way around the room.

It's weird because I haven't seen her in probably about 10 years. So, my only communication with her has been over the last three years in the blog world. I became enthralled with her new life in Africa, and I enjoy reading her blog and seeing her pictures. She has changed so much, but when I saw her again in person, she was still Ange.

Her wedding was BEAUTIFUL. I loved how Jesus was the centerpiece of their ceremony. I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit hovering in the sanctuary. It was really amazing. She looked so gorgeous. Her dress was killer. Go to Joanna's blog to see pics from the wedding. It was so fun to watch Jo in her element running around snapping pictures. That was a gift in itself!

I felt so many beautiful moments that weekend, and the wedding really stood out to me. Even the reception was so holy to me. I saw everyone dancing and celebrating, and I couldn't help but think of how someday, the church will have her wedding day, and there will be a great celebration!!!

Craig was very nice. I'm so glad I got to meet him. He is perfect for Angela. I love their shared vision and the way their hearts are entwined on many levels. I snapped a couple of blurry photographs at the reception during the first dance. They are an amazing-looking couple! My pictures are poor, but I needed something to remember that night.

The kiss during their first dance as husband and wife. I kind of like the blur for this.

Flash really can ruin a picture! They're still great looking.

I also really enjoyed being in a harbor city while I was in Norfolk. I didn't realize there would be ships everywhere. They were pretty cool. I was wishing the whole time that Dave and the kids were with me. They would have loved seeing the big ships.

I took this at sunrise the day I left.

This one too.

This one was a daytime pic on my first day there. I love how industrious it looks.

It was so fun to be in a place with a different culture and landscape. It is on my list of places to return to someday with the family. There's so much history there, and it is so fresh-feeling.

Next post: my friends, old and new.

Pharisaical Parenting: Punishment and Reward

pharisaical (adj.)--practicing or advocating strict observance of external forms and ceremonies of religion or conduct without regard to the spirit; self-righteous; hypocritical.

I was blown away by the response to my last post, both here in Blogger-land and on Facebook. I'm so glad it was a blessing to so many. The nice thing is that Jesus was the One who was doing everything; I just got to be a part! I'm such a novice in the arena of grace-based parenting. I welcome further reading materials and ideas to round out my experience as a parent. The book I read, Loving our Kids on Purpose, is primarily targeted for children from elementary school age to high-school age. None of my children are in school yet, so I did find it a bit challenging to have ideas for toddler/pre-k children. There were some great principles, though, and I was thrilled to see them succeed when I applied them.

Being creative is the hard part.

It's so hard, in fact, that it is much easier to resort to the punishment/reward system. If you do this bad thing, you receive this punishment. If you do this good thing, Mommy will give you a present. Which, in turn, communicates, "When you're bad, bad things happen to you. When you're good, good things happen to you."

Is this a true idea?

The Pharisees thought so. They lived their lives so perfectly (on the outside) because they really believed they could appease God. They thought that God expected men to fulfill the law and obey Him. What we know about God is that He knew that would never happen. He knows us inside-out, and He knows that His creation is completely incapable of fulfilling any righteous law on their own. So, His plan was for Jesus to come, become sin (think about that until your head explodes) for us, so that we would become righteous in Him. Let's break it down:

• Mankind chose to give up their relationship with God in the Garden in exchange for the knowledge God was holding out on (in their minds).
• God, in His mercy and grace, deemed that death was the penalty for sin. In this way, mankind would not be eternally sinful, and there would be an opportunity to redeem mankind out of his sin if mankind would choose a relationship with Him.
• God gave a Law--a law so perfect that none could keep it. In this way, the Law became a teacher, to show mankind that they needed a Savior; they were powerless on their own to become righteous and have a relationship with God.
• Jesus was the answer. He has a perfect relationship with His Father. Their desire was to reunite mankind with the Father. Jesus gave up His life, became our sin, suffered our punishment, and reconciled us to God.
• When we enter into relationship with the Father, we often believe He still wants us to keep that perfect Law. But, that is the sort of thing that couldn't be further from His mind. He just wants us to experience His love and live in relationship with Him. He accepts us and loves us and thinks precious thoughts over us, His children.

Now, I often become the Pharisee when it comes to disciplining my children. I say, "Walk this straight line or suffer my wrath!!!" I, to my own sorrow, have often resorted to yelling, shaming, and spanking in anger that my children would dare to disobey ME. This is not the heart of the God of the Universe. This is the heart of the god of this world. This is the god that numerous peoples have sacrificed their children to on altars, hoping to gain favor with the scary volcano god. This is not our Father.

Therefore, this is NOT how we should parent.

There is NO fear in LOVE.

Perfect love casts out ALL fear.

Let's go back to the idea "When you're bad, bad things happen to you. When you're good, good things happen to you." This is how our world works. You see this in employment, in school, in traffic, in crime. This is how the world operates.

But we are not of this world. We are citizens of a heavenly country!

We are to be like Him in all things. This includes parenting.

Parenting without fear. Parenting without punishment. Parenting with Him.

Your kids are participants in their discipline. You are the loving one, the one leading them to Him. And if we're on the same page, you don't want them to think that He is like those gods demanding they adhere to external list of rules without regard to the spirit.

Now, I'm far from an expert on this topic. I'm a novice. I've only been parenting this way for two weeks. I will say this: it is much harder to parent in this way. It is not easy. It requires more thought, more creativity, and more prayer. It requires more discernment and more time asking the Holy Spirit what in the world to do. But, I truly want my children to trust me as their parent, and to learn to protect our relationship. I don't want them to live in fear of me and my punishments for their sin. I want them to feel safe with me, even when they mess up.

A few things to consider:

• How do I relate to the Father?
• What do I think He expects of me?
• Am I afraid of Him?
• Do I believe when bad things happen that I did something wrong?
• How do I relate to my kids?
• What do I expect of them?
• Are they afraid of me?
• Do they feel they have to earn my approval?

I pray this is a blessing and not a burden. It has brought me great joy and freedom both as a child of God and as a parent. I pray it does the same for you.

A Lesson in Redemption

I have been hearing the Father in the neatest ways this past week. I wanted to share a beautiful little lesson I learned this week in a time of discipline with Maryn.

We are employing some new-to-us tactics in our discipline. One of them is getting creative and helping the kids have consequences that are memorable but that also allow them free will--they can make a choice and experience the consequences, positive or negative. (All this and more can be found in Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk)

(Photo courtesy of Amazon.com--where I purchased the book)

Well, helping Maryn manage her freedom has been very interesting. And hard. And crazy, at times. This week, we had a teachable moment in cleaning up after ourselves. I asked the kids to put their stuff (toys, shoes, pillows, blankies, all belongings) away. Nothing happened. Surprise. (Catch the sarcasm.)

The next time, I followed Danny Silk's lead, and I told them they could either pick up their stuff, or I would put their stuff in a trash bag to give to other kids. Both Sam and Maryn did not believe me, and they didn't pick up their toys. They made a choice not to. So, I grabbed a trash bag, and picked everything up. Then, in my mercy and grace (trying to mimic the Father, here!), I gave them another opportunity. I called them upstairs. I showed them all their stuff in the bag (this is new for them, so I am cutting them some slack), and then explained that they could save their stuff. I dumped it all on the floor of their room.

I said, "You get one more chance. I am going to set the timer for 15 minutes. You can either pick up your stuff and put it away nicely, or I am going to pick it all back up and give it to other kids. Anything that is left on the floor when the timer goes off will go into the trash bag. Sam, you pick up your stuff, and Maryn, you pick up yours."

I set the timer, and I walked away. Samuel got it. He cleaned up his stuff very quickly and was finished in no time. I went up there, checked it out. He was off the hook. Maryn, however, was playing. She had not a care in the world. Sigh.

Sam explained it to her, "Maryn, you better clean up your stuff, or Mom is gonna throw it in the trash!"

I pleaded with her to make the right choice. I explained how it hurt my heart. She had left her blankies on the floor, and I BEGGED HER to pick them up. She just looked at me and said in her sing-song voice, "I don't want to." Maryn's blankies are so important to her. She's had them since she was a baby, and she chews on them. Disgusting, I know. I knew how devastated she would be when she realized they were gone. At that moment, the Lord gave me understanding into His heart,

"This is how desperately I want my children to choose Me over their selfish pleasures. I plead, I beg, I offer multiple chances. I don't force their wills. It hurts my heart when they don't choose Me, but I must let them make their choice. They must choose to love Me, or it isn't love."

I, then, went downstairs to check the timer. It began to beep, and my heart sank--like the Titanic in quicksand. I went back upstairs with the trashbag and began picking up all her stuff. I explained once again what I was doing. She really didn't seem to mind too much, but I was smarter than that. I knew it would sink in at bedtime when she wanted blankie the most.

The Lord spoke again to my heart, "She was willing to sacrifice her most important possession in order to do what she wanted to do. How often my children do the same!"

I went downstairs and cried a little. My heart was broken for my little girl and her poor choice. This is new for me. Normally, I just get mad because the kids won't obey me. This time, I was grieved for her. I knew she didn't realize the gravity of her choice. I began immediately trying to think of a way to redeem it.

The Spirit said, "This is how I feel. This is why I MUST redeem you. I can't leave this undone. I will go at all lengths to restore you to me in our relationship."

I knew at that moment that I had to show the Father's heart and redeem blankie.

Bedtime that night was rough. She cried and cried. I held her, snuggled with her, sang to her, and she finally calmed. The next morning, after she'd been up for an hour or so, she began to wail (yes, "wail" is the proper term for our Maryn) for blankie. I really sensed the Lord wanted me to just spend some time comforting her and being with her in her loss. So, I did. I stroked her hair and told her stories about when she was born and how we wrapped her up in blankie. She listened quietly minus the wailing. As I sat with her, I once again sensed I was acting out His heart for us--He is with us even when we have wasted what was most precious. He is forever present with us in our dark places.

I began to pray, "Father, what would you have me do to show her your redemption? How can I redeem blankie for her?"

The word "books" came to mind instantly. I began scanning through my mental list of titles that I owned. Obviously, there were some books I couldn't part with, but I knew whatever book I chose to part with would have to be important to me. I went downstairs and scanned the bookshelves, and then I saw it. The Magic Christmas, a Sweet Valley Twins book that I read a dozen times in the 5th or 6th grade with my best friend, Abigail. This book was very important to me. It's one of those things I've hung onto from my friendship with Abby, and though I gave away all of my other Sweet Valley books, I always kept this one for sentimental reasons. (Forgive me, Abby!)

I knew I had to do it. Whatever I gave up had to be worth something to me. So, I took Maryn, Sam, and the book into the kitchen where the trashbag full of her stuff was. I explained how important the book was to me. I explained how I was going to exchange the book for Maryn's blankies. I was going to sacrifice my book so that Maryn could have her blankies. She was thrilled. I'm not so sure she got it.

But Sam did.

"Lord, this is a lesson for Sam?" I wondered.

Later that afternoon, Sam and I were reading The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (yes, we're STILL reading...his attention span is short!). We reached the chapter where Aslan exchanges his life for Edmund's. Sam and I had a long talk about Maryn's blankies, Aslan and Edmund, and finally, Jesus and us. It was so beautiful. It was an answer to prayer as well; I have been praying for these teachable moments for Samuel and asking for him to have lots of spiritual questions.

Though it was hard, I am pleased with how the discipline worked out. Justice and mercy both played a part. Maryn does believe Mommy now. Samuel came to a greater understanding of God's desire to know him. I became more like Jesus. I'm so thankful that our good, kind Papa redeemed this situation for all of us.

Leopard Print and a Lexus

This may be the scariest title I've ever posted. For reals.

I've mentioned in the past that this is the kind of doctor's wife I don't wanna be. So far, I'm pretty safe and far from that image.

I'm NOT a big deal.

I don't wanna be a big deal.

Yet, here in this little town, I can't help but feel like people look at me differently when they know who my husband is.

It makes me thankful for a '91 Acura, three kids in the backseat, me in my old thrift-store t-shirt with my flops and tiny ponytails. Everything in me resists the fancy.

Yet, when I've gone to Walmart nearly every day for a month, I am that person. Part of the reason I've gone is because I keep forgetting stuff, but the other reason is the whole getting-settled-again state. If I'm really honest, then it's also the I've-got-to-get-out-of-the-woods-and-see-other-humans state of being. I know (to the door-greeters) I must seem like a frivolous spend-thrift. I am, a little bit.

Yesterday, I mixed it up. I went to Thriftway and spent $70 on groceries. I felt pretty good about myself. I didn't use any coupons. I want to get back into that as well. The Total Money Makeover is about to dawn. Look out, money! You're about to get used on stuff that matters!

Back to the leopard print...

I feel like finding community here might be hard if people can't see beyond the whole status thing. It means I get to be more authentic, I think. I'm not talking about airing all my dirty laundry to any person I meet. I just mean learning to be real with people and really connecting on a human level, without pretense. It's my desire to find real community here with people who aren't like me--people who work in garages, people who work at the Super 8, people who are divorced, people who live on the lake with boats, people who drink too much, people who have never had a drink.

I so want to be like Jesus. I want to pour out my life and live in such a way that people don't know what kind of resources I have at my disposal, but at the same time, be willing to use my resources to heal, to touch, to serve.

You can take that leopard print and sell it. You can crash that Lexus.

I want something eternal and real.

I want to be little so He can be big.

Curses and Reading Lists

I was casting some spells on blogger last night. You'd think putting ads in would be a cinch. Not so, dear friends. I ended up putting them in as you see them now. I promise I will make it more appealing. Later. I am too irritated to try again. But, they're functional for the time being, so let it ride.

Since we don't have TV (this is only temporary--the Fall season will start in a month!), I've found some books for reading. Here's my list (some have yet to arrive from Amazon):

• He Loves Me : Learning to Live in the Father's Affection--Wayne Jacobsen (mentioned this one in my last post)
• The Total Money Makeover--Dave Ramsey
• Christianish--Mark Steele (friend from Tulsa; has two other great books, Flashbang and Half-Life, Die Already)
• Loving our Kids on Purpose--Danny Silk (on grace-based parenting--very excited about this one)
• Understanding Prophetic People: Blessings and Problems with the Prophetic Gift--R. Loren Sanford (I so need to read this to better understand myself...Dave is going to have to read it too!)

What are you reading? I need a good fiction...probably should take a look at our book club list.

"Living Less Loved"

Before we left Oklahoma, we had the privilege of hearing Wayne Jacobsen speak at our church. Some of you may recognize his name--he helped publish The Shack with William Paul Young. Since moving to Arkansas, I have thought about his message many times, and I happened upon one of his books (at Wal-Mart, of all places!!!).

The book is He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father's Affection. I am not quite halfway through it, and it has blessed me tremendously. I am highly recommending it.

One of the key ideas in the book is something I have struggled with my entire life, and I suspect you have struggled with it too--"Living Less Loved." What does that mean?

Wayne says this,

"When we worry that God will ask us for some horrible sacrifice, we live less loved.

When we indulge ourselves in sin, we live less loved.

When we give in to anxiety in the crush of our circumstances, we live less loved.

When we try to earn God's favor by our own efforts, we live less loved.

Even when we get caught up in religious obligations to make ourselves acceptable to him, we live less loved."

We tend to believe that when good things are happening to us, God is happy with us and is pleased. However, when bad things are happening to us, we believe that God must be angry with us and is punishing us for something we did or didn't do. We play a game of "He loves me. He loves me not." We spend all our time trying to figure out if He really loves us or not.

This is hard because EVERYTHING else in our lives uses that system of reward. When you obey your parents, you're a good boy/girl. When you get bad grades in school, everyone is disappointed with you. This system is a human system, but we mistakenly attribute it to our Father in heaven. There are a lot of rules in the Bible, but God honestly doesn't think you're going to keep them all! He knows, in fact, that it is impossible for you to do so! This is precisely why He sent Jesus--so that in His grace, He could have a relationship with you apart from works!

I mentioned that this is something I have struggled with in life. I truly believed (and still struggle with the belief) that God was often displeased with me because I wasn't doing enough. This may sound silly to you, but let me share it in hopes of others finding freedom. I used to keep a prayer journal. After a summer camp, I was told that the proper way to pray was to use the ACTS method (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication). So, I began to take this method and apply it to my prayer journal. I truly believed that it would please God if I didn't forget to do all four sections. My legalism flourished as I followed the formula to a "T". It became obsessive and consuming as I realized that I had a lot more supplication than adoration and my confession list could never be long enough, and my thanksgiving list was way too short!

Before I realized it (which wasn't until college, actually!), I was in bondage to my prayer journal! I was living less loved--I was "caught up in religious obligations to make (my)self acceptable to Him". I wasn't walking in freedom or in His love. I have many of these broken places in me. He is slowly healing each one and revealing new places He wants to touch.

I'm certain you have experienced this. Ask Him to show you these broken places, and let Him heal you.

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

Ads, Reviews, and the Like

Well, fellow community of bloggers, I am biting the bullet. No, I'm not going to quit blogging. I couldn't possibly do that at this stage of the game. Instead, I have joined Blogher! That's right. I was asked to apply (I put my name on a wait list about 6 months ago) today to be a part of their advertising--Blogher Ads. What will happen is there will suddenly be a lot of ads on my blog. Don't let this alarm you. :) Really. That's pretty much it.

I was able to select what kinds of ads I did NOT want to allow on my blog, and you'll be glad to know that your eyes will love me for protecting them from lots of dieting ads, pharmaceutical ads, lingerie ads, and infant formula ads. Now, don't get your panties in a wad. I'm not against infant formula--I have used it in the past, and I have friends who have had to use it as well. I'm just anti-advertising the stuff because it robs a lot of women from the blessing of breastfeeding b/c they are not educated on breastfeeding--all they see are ads for infant formula. So, don't take offense.

I will be able to make a little pocket change this way. Another way I will be making some pocket change is by doing product reviews on a separate non-advertising blog. That blog is called Geidlbots Product Reviews. No-brainer, huh?

Aside from making sweet moolah to spend on Starbucks and books (or student loans...), I think this will be a great opportunity to get a lot of traffic on my blog. One thing I have loved about blogging is that I have been able to minister to a lot of people through what I write. I've been able to be myself and share my struggles and successes and be an encouragement to others. I've also been pretty good about riling people up! :) I never intend to do that. Really!!! I hope that as people visit my blog through BlogHer, they will see Jesus here and find life.

Sorry for the clutter of ads...hope you don't mind too much. Much love to you all.