I wanted to share something very near to my heart. I know this is a public forum. I know that not everyone who reads my blog is even known to me. Many of you are my friends in "real life", some of you are my friends in blogger-land, and then there are those who are like sisters to me though we haven't met (or met briefly!!!). Some of you may wonder why I haven't told you in person or on the phone--I don't know why--just don't take it personally--it's not an easy thing to talk about. I hesitated to write about it on here, but I really want my friends here to see God's grace and peace worked out in my life. I want them to see the way He takes care of his children. I miscarried last week. I was not very far along--not even 5 weeks.
We are sad, but we are not in despair. We so feel His grace and peace in this--I can't even describe it. Miscarriage is something I didn't know much about until I was married. I didn't realize how common it is. 10% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. So many more times, people miscarry and don't even know it (this is the more common statistic you see which is between 20%-33%). I've also noticed a lot of women don't talk about it. I understand why they don't want to talk about it. It sucks. It's hard. It is so personal and dear to our hearts--and it hurts to talk about it. However, I really feel like hearing these stories from other women helps others walk through it if they have to.
My dear friend, Marla, lost two babies after they were born. Watching her walk through that unspeakable grief empowered me in a way I didn't realize. Though she and her husband were devastated, their world did not end. They still loved God, still trusted Him, and came to a place of peace with their loss. I could see God's grace on her in her trials. I couldn't understand how she must be feeling, but I imagined how horrible it would be.
Miscarriage is something I have always feared and dreaded. In fact, each time I've been pregnant, I've found myself worrying about it or wondering when my turn would come (it was especially hard because I had SO MANY friends losing babies). When we discovered I was pregnant, it felt very surreal and honestly, I didn't feel good about it. I just felt like something wasn't right, and I did not have high hopes that this pregnancy would continue. I see His grace even in that intuition--it somehow prepared my heart. When I began miscarrying, I saw that it was the end--I would not hold my baby, and I would have to wait to meet him/her.
But, even in my sadness, I found comfort and peace in the arms of Jesus. He grieved with me. I do not believe this was His Will. His will is not for babies to die. It is not his will that sin and death rule. He did not design it this way. However, He does allow the effects of sin in the world to have their consequences. I don't know why He intervenes sometimes and not others. But I do know He is good. I know that He was weeping with me. I know His heart is grieved when we suffer.
But I also know that He is a redeemer!!!!
He will not allow our suffering to be wasted.
He will not leave something ugly. He will make it beautiful.
He can't help it--He loves to make all things new.
I totally trust Him. I totally love Him. I totally worship Him without reservation.
No matter what hard thing you have to walk through, know that He will redeem that in your life. He so wants to show you his mercy and grace in your time of need. He is good, and His mercy endures forever.