What we're doing about Halloween:
We aren't the celebratory type when it comes to scary stuff, so we are buying some candy, stuff for s'mores, and we're building a bonfire in our yard. We're gonna veg out with our kids and make ourselves a little sick with sweets. You are welcome to join us.
What we're doing about getting ready for babies:
We are buying a bunch of stuff. We haven't registered anywhere--too much hassle. We've got our carseats which is huge. We are contemplating having them in the pack and play in our room, but it won't fit well on the side of the bed. Anyone want to make me a cradle? I didn't want to pay $150 for a bassinet. Will be checking into co-sleepers as a cheaper alternative. I've got sheets, mattress pads, towels, washcloths. What do we need? Clothes. And I need to buy the rest of the cloth diapers I will need. I'll use disposables until they're about 8-9 lbs. I guess we need those too.
What we're doing for my birthday?
Ask Dave. He better come up with something good. :) Look out 31.
And Lucy's birthday???
I'm planning a party for her a few days before OUR birthday. Yes, we share our birthday. So, party for her, and I get Birthweek 2010.
What we're doing for Thanksgiving:
Dave's mom and grandma are coming to cook. Dave is on call. I plan on watching the parade.
What we're doing about Sam's Christmas Birthday:
Well, it all depends on when these boys arrive. I would like to have a party for Sam with some of his friends a few weeks before Christmas. I'll be 37 weeks on Dec. 23rd, so I could have babies by Christmas Day or maybe not! I have no clue. This one is being played by ear. As is Christmas. I am planning on a fake tree this year because it may be a while before we're able to take one down. :)
What we're doing about Christmas gifts:
I don't know. We're thinking donations to charities in people's names. We did this one year before, and we didn't get much reaction...don't know if that was good or bad! Whatever we do, it's gotta be simple.
What we're doing about staying sane:
We are taking life one day at a time--with as much pre-planning as possible! :) No, really, we are not worrying and fretting over how things are going to go once our darlings are born. We are learning to be content and trust our Father to provide what we need in terms of help and sleep and childcare. We are trying to enjoy our time with our three children before life gets crazy. We are hoping we can stay focused on our Father and His love in the midst of all of these changes. He has been so good and faithful and kind to us, and we are so thankful for Him.
Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Gift of Wisdom and The Curse of Co-Dependency
I have both. Unfortunately.
I had never considered that I had the gift of wisdom until earlier this year, around Easter. A dear woman spoke a word over me about Lady Wisdom from Proverbs, and how the Lord showed her that I was like this woman. And peering into my life, I see that I do, indeed, have this gift. I can't get a big head about it, though, because it is a GIFT. I didn't earn it, and it certainly doesn't come from always learning things the easy way (which is a nice way to say that I sin a lot).
I also can't brag about this gift because "Hi, I'm Amanda, and I'm in recovery for co-dependency and anger." "Hi, Amanda. We're glad you're here." (This is what I say at Celebrate Recovery, fyi.)
The problem is this: I have the gift of wisdom, but because I am a co-dependent, I want to fix people--I want to give them solutions to their problems. I want to "help" them--"help" because it is more about me than it is about them. It gives me a sense of control and superiority instead of a sense of love and humility to be used by God. And if they fail to take my advice, anger inevitably follows. That loss of control, that loss of superiority makes me feel powerless, and anger gives me the power I need to triumph in the situation (this is not true, it is just how I think). Herein lies my problem.
Now, I know I don't ALWAYS operate out of my co-dependency. Thank God! I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit and the ways He has used my gifts to bring Himself glory. But I often, in order to gratify my flesh, find myself wielding advice that no one asked for, taking on burdens that are not mine to carry, and worrying over other people's decisions (that, of course, I wouldn't have made).
In the same breath, I can say that people routinely seek my counsel. I'm learning, though, that I am not their personal prophet. I am Abba's child, used of Him, and it is my desire to point them to HIM like John the Baptist did--"He must increase, but I must decrease." I've found in the past that I will speak the wisdom of the Lord over someone's situation, but He is not the focal point, my wisdom is. So, in that, I must say that I have robbed my Father of His glory.
My prayer now is that when I am asked for my wisdom in a situation, I will first seek Him. I will speak His words, but I will conclude with the statement, "But you must seek Him and His will--you must test and weigh what I say with the Holy Spirit; and you must get your full direction from Him. I am here to edify and encourage you towards Him, not towards myself."
I also must say that as I have been learning about myself for the past couple of years, I have also learned that I don't like it when people try to fix me. I'm sure others feel the same way when I do this to them! Novel!!! I have had to set boundaries in several areas of my life where I do not give myself the opportunity to fix others, nor do I allow others to fix me. Only Jesus can be what I need. Only He can heal my pain, my anger, my co-dependency, and in realizing that, I see that only He can do this for others as well; I am not qualified.
That is a load off my mind.
I had never considered that I had the gift of wisdom until earlier this year, around Easter. A dear woman spoke a word over me about Lady Wisdom from Proverbs, and how the Lord showed her that I was like this woman. And peering into my life, I see that I do, indeed, have this gift. I can't get a big head about it, though, because it is a GIFT. I didn't earn it, and it certainly doesn't come from always learning things the easy way (which is a nice way to say that I sin a lot).
I also can't brag about this gift because "Hi, I'm Amanda, and I'm in recovery for co-dependency and anger." "Hi, Amanda. We're glad you're here." (This is what I say at Celebrate Recovery, fyi.)
The problem is this: I have the gift of wisdom, but because I am a co-dependent, I want to fix people--I want to give them solutions to their problems. I want to "help" them--"help" because it is more about me than it is about them. It gives me a sense of control and superiority instead of a sense of love and humility to be used by God. And if they fail to take my advice, anger inevitably follows. That loss of control, that loss of superiority makes me feel powerless, and anger gives me the power I need to triumph in the situation (this is not true, it is just how I think). Herein lies my problem.
Now, I know I don't ALWAYS operate out of my co-dependency. Thank God! I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit and the ways He has used my gifts to bring Himself glory. But I often, in order to gratify my flesh, find myself wielding advice that no one asked for, taking on burdens that are not mine to carry, and worrying over other people's decisions (that, of course, I wouldn't have made).
In the same breath, I can say that people routinely seek my counsel. I'm learning, though, that I am not their personal prophet. I am Abba's child, used of Him, and it is my desire to point them to HIM like John the Baptist did--"He must increase, but I must decrease." I've found in the past that I will speak the wisdom of the Lord over someone's situation, but He is not the focal point, my wisdom is. So, in that, I must say that I have robbed my Father of His glory.
My prayer now is that when I am asked for my wisdom in a situation, I will first seek Him. I will speak His words, but I will conclude with the statement, "But you must seek Him and His will--you must test and weigh what I say with the Holy Spirit; and you must get your full direction from Him. I am here to edify and encourage you towards Him, not towards myself."
I also must say that as I have been learning about myself for the past couple of years, I have also learned that I don't like it when people try to fix me. I'm sure others feel the same way when I do this to them! Novel!!! I have had to set boundaries in several areas of my life where I do not give myself the opportunity to fix others, nor do I allow others to fix me. Only Jesus can be what I need. Only He can heal my pain, my anger, my co-dependency, and in realizing that, I see that only He can do this for others as well; I am not qualified.
That is a load off my mind.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Oh, the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus!
I've been thinking about sorrow and grief multiple times over the last month. I've had three friends miscarry their sweet babies, and hearing that news just never gets easier.
It's also been on my mind a lot because the baby I lost would have been due this week. I've thought so many times about how I would have been close to delivery, eagerly anticipating his/her arrival, and our lives would be changed again. Watching my friends walk through the journey without me has not been easy; in fact, it has just sucked. I certainly wish no ill will on anyone, and I am happy for them; it's just hard to watch them knowing that I won't get to experience that with the baby I lost. I think I am in the final stage of grief, and I think this too shall pass as this date passes me by.
I miss that little baby, conceived in love and commitment, created for a purpose. I was honored to be his/her mommy for just a short amount of time. But, I'm still sad. Even with two wiggly boys in my womb right now, I still feel the loss of that precious one. Just because I was able to conceive again doesn't mean that the love and memory of that precious one has been erased. I will never forget that sweet child.
Last night, after hearing of another friend miscarrying, I began thinking of Jesus, dying on the cross, becoming sin for us and carrying our sorrows. Isaiah 53 says,
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
It's also been on my mind a lot because the baby I lost would have been due this week. I've thought so many times about how I would have been close to delivery, eagerly anticipating his/her arrival, and our lives would be changed again. Watching my friends walk through the journey without me has not been easy; in fact, it has just sucked. I certainly wish no ill will on anyone, and I am happy for them; it's just hard to watch them knowing that I won't get to experience that with the baby I lost. I think I am in the final stage of grief, and I think this too shall pass as this date passes me by.
I miss that little baby, conceived in love and commitment, created for a purpose. I was honored to be his/her mommy for just a short amount of time. But, I'm still sad. Even with two wiggly boys in my womb right now, I still feel the loss of that precious one. Just because I was able to conceive again doesn't mean that the love and memory of that precious one has been erased. I will never forget that sweet child.
Last night, after hearing of another friend miscarrying, I began thinking of Jesus, dying on the cross, becoming sin for us and carrying our sorrows. Isaiah 53 says,
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Jesus, the Son of God, the Son of man, understands the grief and sorrow that comes with loss of a child. Because of His great sacrifice on the cross, He acquainted himself with these very griefs. He experienced ALL of it on the cross. He is the ideal one to carry us through the grief and sorrow ourselves. I am so thankful for this beautiful gift--one who can understand perfectly what I am going through because He has ALREADY CARRIED IT for me. I can lean on Him and trust Him in my sorrow.
Occasionally, I will still have a sad moment, but through it all, the overwhelming and predominant feeling in the midst of sorrow has been JOY. JOY in Him--that He loves me, that He would carry my burdens, that He is my strength, that He is my hope. I pray that my friends experience this Deep, Deep, Love of Jesus. I pray that they are touched by His Joy and can be filled with it in the midst of their own sorrow.
We are healed by His stripes. We are whole in Him. We lack nothing. We have everything. All will be restored. All will be made new. Praise Him!!!
Friday, September 3, 2010
I'm a Failure, and It's Okay.
I think I probably fail more than I succeed. I attribute this to being human. I am not without error. How I handle failure is often more telling of my beliefs than the actual failures themselves.
I think we're scared of the word "failure". We've been taught not to call ourselves that because then we can't "do whatever we put our minds to". I don't think we need to be scared of it. Failure is inevitable. We're all going to mess up; we've all sinned. We're all imperfect and wicked at times. We think impure thoughts, we get angry and murder people in our minds, and we willfully do the wrong thing--over and over.
Why are we scared to fail? Is it because we're afraid of what people will think of us when we announce that we failed? Or is it because we know we're not "good enough" for God?
Take comfort, friends.
You're not good enough for God...on your own.
Knowing Jesus makes you good enough in EVERY way. Despite your human failures, the blood of Jesus shines through, His grace covers, and His love overwhelms every single failure.
Did you know that Jesus BECAME sin on the cross? He didn't just carry it--HE BECAME SIN. What does that mean for us? Every single failure--He became it. He put to death those failures, and He rose victorious over them. Because He did that, we also died to them and rose victorious over them.
So, I sinned today. You did too. We both failed.
But...
we trust in His death and resurrection over those sins, and we can rise to walk in His victorious life.
He's not mad at us.
He's not disappointed in us.
He's not surprised at us.
He's pleased with us.
He's rejoicing over us.
He knows us intimately.
He loves us.
So stop acting like He's a meanie out to get you. You couldn't be further from the truth.
I think we're scared of the word "failure". We've been taught not to call ourselves that because then we can't "do whatever we put our minds to". I don't think we need to be scared of it. Failure is inevitable. We're all going to mess up; we've all sinned. We're all imperfect and wicked at times. We think impure thoughts, we get angry and murder people in our minds, and we willfully do the wrong thing--over and over.
Why are we scared to fail? Is it because we're afraid of what people will think of us when we announce that we failed? Or is it because we know we're not "good enough" for God?
Take comfort, friends.
You're not good enough for God...on your own.
Knowing Jesus makes you good enough in EVERY way. Despite your human failures, the blood of Jesus shines through, His grace covers, and His love overwhelms every single failure.
Did you know that Jesus BECAME sin on the cross? He didn't just carry it--HE BECAME SIN. What does that mean for us? Every single failure--He became it. He put to death those failures, and He rose victorious over them. Because He did that, we also died to them and rose victorious over them.
So, I sinned today. You did too. We both failed.
But...
we trust in His death and resurrection over those sins, and we can rise to walk in His victorious life.
He's not mad at us.
He's not disappointed in us.
He's not surprised at us.
He's pleased with us.
He's rejoicing over us.
He knows us intimately.
He loves us.
So stop acting like He's a meanie out to get you. You couldn't be further from the truth.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Knowing God: A How Not To
Last night, a girl I really don't know well at all told me that she envies the way I know God.
I laughed.
I was at a meeting called Celebrate Recovery!--it's like AA for everything--life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I think this is why I laughed. Here I am, obviously a "beggar at the door of God's mercy," and she envies ME. I was flat-out humbled. And realized even more how great God is.
She went on to say, "I've been a Christian for a long time, but I don't feel like I have that kind of relationship with God the way you do. I want to know what I need to do to get there."
I replied, "Well, I'm sorry to say, but there is nothing you can do to get there."
I went on to explain that God's work of grace in my life has been a long road. My journey to "get there" is not complete. I've been blessed by experiences with Him, grace extended to me in my darkest moments, and just loved on by His people. My journey into a deeper relationship with God goes far beyond a list of things to do. In fact, I can't take any credit for the journey. I believe He has orchestrated all of it. If anything on my part, there was a desire to know Him more. He has been faithful to grant that.
"Even you just asking me about this tonight is part of YOUR journey. You will look back someday and remember that this was part of it," I told her.
I tried to explain that there were a couple of really great books that have shaped and blessed me over the years. I wrote down the titles* and gave them to her. I told her to call me if she wanted to chat some more. I hope she does.
I think she wanted a formula. The "me" from just a few years back would have wanted one too. Perhaps, she wanted me to say, "If you just read your Bible more, pray more, be faithful to church, and stop sinning, THEN you can know Him more deeply." A lot of churches teach this heresy. The path to knowing God is not about disciplining yourself into what you believe is obedience. It's about letting Him reveal Himself to you in a myriad of ways--yes, His Word is one way, but so are His people and His very voice in your spirit, speaking His truth to you and over you.
There is NO formula.
In the kingdom of heaven, a+b≠c. Everything is a paradox--you die to live, you lose to win, the first is last, you give to those who take from you.
There is NO formula.
I'll end with this quote I read on Facebook yesterday. It totally sums up how I feel about my walk with God--knowing Him, letting Him love me, and being able to love Him back:
I used to think that what God wanted for me to do was try harder, get
I repeat, there is NO formula.
*The titles I recommended are The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning which was a catalyst in my journey of grace. In my journey of understanding God's love, He Loves Me! by Wayne Jacobsen takes the cake.
I laughed.
I was at a meeting called Celebrate Recovery!--it's like AA for everything--life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I think this is why I laughed. Here I am, obviously a "beggar at the door of God's mercy," and she envies ME. I was flat-out humbled. And realized even more how great God is.
She went on to say, "I've been a Christian for a long time, but I don't feel like I have that kind of relationship with God the way you do. I want to know what I need to do to get there."
I replied, "Well, I'm sorry to say, but there is nothing you can do to get there."
I went on to explain that God's work of grace in my life has been a long road. My journey to "get there" is not complete. I've been blessed by experiences with Him, grace extended to me in my darkest moments, and just loved on by His people. My journey into a deeper relationship with God goes far beyond a list of things to do. In fact, I can't take any credit for the journey. I believe He has orchestrated all of it. If anything on my part, there was a desire to know Him more. He has been faithful to grant that.
"Even you just asking me about this tonight is part of YOUR journey. You will look back someday and remember that this was part of it," I told her.
I tried to explain that there were a couple of really great books that have shaped and blessed me over the years. I wrote down the titles* and gave them to her. I told her to call me if she wanted to chat some more. I hope she does.
I think she wanted a formula. The "me" from just a few years back would have wanted one too. Perhaps, she wanted me to say, "If you just read your Bible more, pray more, be faithful to church, and stop sinning, THEN you can know Him more deeply." A lot of churches teach this heresy. The path to knowing God is not about disciplining yourself into what you believe is obedience. It's about letting Him reveal Himself to you in a myriad of ways--yes, His Word is one way, but so are His people and His very voice in your spirit, speaking His truth to you and over you.
There is NO formula.
In the kingdom of heaven, a+b≠c. Everything is a paradox--you die to live, you lose to win, the first is last, you give to those who take from you.
There is NO formula.
I'll end with this quote I read on Facebook yesterday. It totally sums up how I feel about my walk with God--knowing Him, letting Him love me, and being able to love Him back:
I used to think that what God wanted for me to do was try harder, get
more committed, deny myself and keep my sin under control and then I
would begin to see change. But I am learning that the fight in the
Christian life is the fight of faith...to believe the Gospel of grace
...(that God in Christ has forgiven you of all your debt with Him and that He has given you all His 'rightness') really is true. -Tom Wood
I repeat, there is NO formula.
*The titles I recommended are The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning which was a catalyst in my journey of grace. In my journey of understanding God's love, He Loves Me! by Wayne Jacobsen takes the cake.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
My Mental Eyes Are Bigger Than My Emotional Stomach
I've bitten off more than I can chew--emotionally. Jesus is so gentle, even in that. He reminded me this evening that He will heal me in His timing. He will do the transforming--I just have to be teachable and receptive. He will overcome my struggles for me as I rest in Him.
I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm okay, really. I think I underestimated the emotional toll that weaning and hormones combined might have on someone with as delicate a constitution as myself (a little Jane Austen for ya).
There are several areas of my life that I suddenly felt I had to repair--parenting, marriage, my own baggage and life patterns. It's just too much all at once.
I am thankful for the grace and peace that comes when I listen to the One whose opinions are just and true and perfectly timed. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness to me.
I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm okay, really. I think I underestimated the emotional toll that weaning and hormones combined might have on someone with as delicate a constitution as myself (a little Jane Austen for ya).
There are several areas of my life that I suddenly felt I had to repair--parenting, marriage, my own baggage and life patterns. It's just too much all at once.
I am thankful for the grace and peace that comes when I listen to the One whose opinions are just and true and perfectly timed. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness to me.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
My Journey from Legalism to Grace and How I Am Getting There
First of all, thank you for your continued prayers. Kathy is awake and off the respirator. Please pray for her spiritual and mental state right now. I can't elaborate as I have no details and I want to protect her privacy. Just pray that she will rest in Him and be at peace. I do not know any of the test results at this point.
Now, in reference to my title, I would like to provide a little map of how I came out of constricting and debilitating legalism into a spacious and gracious place. I first give God 100% of the credit. He was and is so faithful to meet me where I'm at. As I look back on my brief 30 years, I can see His hand carefully guiding and shaping me. And interestingly enough, He used other people to mold me--many of them regular people, but a few artists thrown in there. So, if you're wanting to move forward in freedom and grace in your Christian walk, here are some folks that God used in my life. You should google them. :)
1. Rich Mullins
You can't listen to Rich Mullins and feel unloved or unworthy. He so captures the heart of God in all of his music. If 80s music doesn't bother you too much, then you'll enjoy Rich. I have always called him a modern-day Apostle Paul. He'd probably laugh if he heard me say that. Seriously, though, the man knew Jesus (he died in a tragic car accident well over 10 years ago). If you want a good biography about him, check out _An Arrow Pointing to Heaven_ by James Bryan Smith. The book blessed me and gave me an even greater picture of who he was and what God had accomplished in his life.
2. Stephanie Thiemann
Now, I don't think Steph is up for discipling you because she lives in India right now, but she is great. Steph got the great job of showing me how legalistic I was and how self-righteous. Fun, huh? But seriously, she was great at it. I never felt condemned by her. Even when I hit my lowest point EVER, she never condemned me. She loved me through it. I've mentioned before the CRAZY prayer journals I used to keep. If you don't recall, they were really bad. I tried to keep each page even and pray with the ACTS method--one page of adoration, one of confession, one of thanksgiving, one of supplication--if I wrote two pages of one, then by George, I better do two pages of each. She told me to stop. That was HUGE. I stopped, and I haven't retreated back to the comfort of the ACTS method. It challenged my prayer life.
3. Waterdeep
This band is amazacrazy. You should check them out if you haven't already. They get it. They get Jesus' love and mission. They also have a great sound--very unique in the Christian arena. This ain't The Gaithers, friends. (Nothing against the Gaithers, I just don't like that kind of music). I really enjoyed their project with 100 Portraits "Enter the Worship Circle". Start there and then branch out into all their albums.
4. Dinah Fox
She has no idea the impact she had on me that summer. I will never forget it. We were sitting in a Sunday School class out in Colorado, and our teacher was being all seminary-like and our heads were swimming as we had no clue what he was talking about. She leaned over to me and said, "If all I ever knew was that Jesus loved me, that'd be enough for me." I had NEVER thought about that. Not that the pursuit of knowledge is evil or a waste of time, it's not. But, how often does our pursuit of it actually lead us to Jesus? If it doesn't lead us to Him, we should abandon it; it's lost its purpose. At that point, I knew I wanted people like Dinah in my life. People who were coming into an understanding of His great and unmeasurable love.
5. Brennan Manning
Dinah actually told me about him. She told me to read _The Ragamuffin Gospel_. It changed my life. I realized I was a beggar at Heaven's door, and Jesus loved me. Really loved me. You should read this book if you haven't. It's transformational.
6. Kristin Ross
Grace-filled woman of God. She talks really fast. And she listens hard. I was able to confess my sin to her without judgment. Through all my tears, she was there, loving me and encouraging me. She was like Dinah--safe. I knew she knew Him like I wanted to.
7. Jeremy Irvan
Jeremy loved me the way I was, and he wasn't afraid to tell me the truth. That's rare. I never felt condemned, but I did hear truth from him. I'll never forget it.
8. Kim Stephens
Loving. Gracious. Healing. Kim is a healer of souls. I believe God has gifted her this way. She nurtured me in one of my most vulnerable states, and I am grateful for the way she poured out her life on me.
9. Megan Dart
She has loved me through it all. Being persistently loved by people when you're unlovely is just so Godly. Megan has been that for me. She never threw in the towel--just like Jesus.
10. David Geidl, my husband
He sees me at my worst. He loves me still. His forgiveness and love have made marriage more beautiful. We're on this journey together, and it is exciting to see him moving on this same path. We encourage one another along the way. He's an oak of righteousness.
11. The Summit Church
They stepped outside the box. It was new for me. It was refreshing. I cherish the four years I spent there with that group of believers. If you're in a church where things refuse to change, you will not see much grace. I'm thankful that the Summit is a gracious body.
12. Marla Livers
Marla teaches me all the time. She is the kind of friend who'll get down in the mud with you and help you get out. She has suffered more than her fair share in life, but she NEVER minimalizes my suffering. She's a living example of God's grace.
13. Melissa Smith
She is my twin in personality. We both struggle with being rule-makers and rule-followers. But we're growing together. We've both changed a lot. But we are a beautiful picture of iron sharpening iron. It's awesome how God has used her to shape me. I can't imagine what kind of person I would be right now if we hadn't become friends.
14. Kathy Ruddick
It's hard to think about her being in the hospital and having suffered so much for the last three months. She is a mighty woman of God. She led me out of an intellectual prison into the freedom of the Spirit. She has never assumed a place of authority over me, but rather, she has served me endlessly always pointing me back to Jesus. "Why don't you pray about that, Amanda?" She always listens, but she knows Who has the answers.
15. Kaysie Steele
Kaysie told me once, when I was hitting a rough patch, "Sometimes, it's just life. It happens. The cause of it isn't really important." Kaysie has gone through so much, but she has such a good perspective on it. She's not blaming. She walks in grace with her family and her friends. You gotta love a woman with a good head on her shoulders.
16. Meredith Mayer
Pure in heart. Gracious. She knows her Father's voice. She is precious and encouraging. She brightens my days with her laughter, and her sincerity can't be beat. We haven't even known one another for a year, and yet, I feel like we've known one another for decades. She loves hard. That's important.
17. Donald Miller
Just read his stuff. He's great. He really captures faith in action--loving people practically.
18. W. Paul Young
Yes, the author of _The Shack_. I don't agree 100% with everything he says there, but this book was a catalyst for me spiritually. It set me on a path to become more aware of God's heart.
19. Wayne Jacobsen
_He Loves Me!_ is awesome. It builds on _The Shack_ in a more Scripture-saturated kind of way.
20. Danny Silk
_Loving our Kids on Purpose_ built on the two previous books (above). It translated for me how to parent like God. How to extend grace in parenting--it's valuable stuff.
21. David Crowder Band
"Church Music" is what I listen to most of the time. This album is so where I'm at right now. DCB is where it's at.
22. Believer's Church
This is a community of genuine folks who let it all hang out--good, bad, and ugly. They're beautiful people with a heart for seeing Jesus all over the world and into the hidden nooks and crannies of our lives. I love 'em.
What I find interesting about my journey is that my list is full of regular people that I have lived in community with at a point in my life. There are so many more people I could have added, but for space's sake, I added the ones that jumped right out at me as I chronicled my journey in my head. We were meant for community--meant to live together, loving one another as Christ loves us, extending His message of grace to those around us. It's beautiful stuff.
Now, in reference to my title, I would like to provide a little map of how I came out of constricting and debilitating legalism into a spacious and gracious place. I first give God 100% of the credit. He was and is so faithful to meet me where I'm at. As I look back on my brief 30 years, I can see His hand carefully guiding and shaping me. And interestingly enough, He used other people to mold me--many of them regular people, but a few artists thrown in there. So, if you're wanting to move forward in freedom and grace in your Christian walk, here are some folks that God used in my life. You should google them. :)
1. Rich Mullins
You can't listen to Rich Mullins and feel unloved or unworthy. He so captures the heart of God in all of his music. If 80s music doesn't bother you too much, then you'll enjoy Rich. I have always called him a modern-day Apostle Paul. He'd probably laugh if he heard me say that. Seriously, though, the man knew Jesus (he died in a tragic car accident well over 10 years ago). If you want a good biography about him, check out _An Arrow Pointing to Heaven_ by James Bryan Smith. The book blessed me and gave me an even greater picture of who he was and what God had accomplished in his life.
2. Stephanie Thiemann
Now, I don't think Steph is up for discipling you because she lives in India right now, but she is great. Steph got the great job of showing me how legalistic I was and how self-righteous. Fun, huh? But seriously, she was great at it. I never felt condemned by her. Even when I hit my lowest point EVER, she never condemned me. She loved me through it. I've mentioned before the CRAZY prayer journals I used to keep. If you don't recall, they were really bad. I tried to keep each page even and pray with the ACTS method--one page of adoration, one of confession, one of thanksgiving, one of supplication--if I wrote two pages of one, then by George, I better do two pages of each. She told me to stop. That was HUGE. I stopped, and I haven't retreated back to the comfort of the ACTS method. It challenged my prayer life.
3. Waterdeep
This band is amazacrazy. You should check them out if you haven't already. They get it. They get Jesus' love and mission. They also have a great sound--very unique in the Christian arena. This ain't The Gaithers, friends. (Nothing against the Gaithers, I just don't like that kind of music). I really enjoyed their project with 100 Portraits "Enter the Worship Circle". Start there and then branch out into all their albums.
4. Dinah Fox
She has no idea the impact she had on me that summer. I will never forget it. We were sitting in a Sunday School class out in Colorado, and our teacher was being all seminary-like and our heads were swimming as we had no clue what he was talking about. She leaned over to me and said, "If all I ever knew was that Jesus loved me, that'd be enough for me." I had NEVER thought about that. Not that the pursuit of knowledge is evil or a waste of time, it's not. But, how often does our pursuit of it actually lead us to Jesus? If it doesn't lead us to Him, we should abandon it; it's lost its purpose. At that point, I knew I wanted people like Dinah in my life. People who were coming into an understanding of His great and unmeasurable love.
5. Brennan Manning
Dinah actually told me about him. She told me to read _The Ragamuffin Gospel_. It changed my life. I realized I was a beggar at Heaven's door, and Jesus loved me. Really loved me. You should read this book if you haven't. It's transformational.
6. Kristin Ross
Grace-filled woman of God. She talks really fast. And she listens hard. I was able to confess my sin to her without judgment. Through all my tears, she was there, loving me and encouraging me. She was like Dinah--safe. I knew she knew Him like I wanted to.
7. Jeremy Irvan
Jeremy loved me the way I was, and he wasn't afraid to tell me the truth. That's rare. I never felt condemned, but I did hear truth from him. I'll never forget it.
8. Kim Stephens
Loving. Gracious. Healing. Kim is a healer of souls. I believe God has gifted her this way. She nurtured me in one of my most vulnerable states, and I am grateful for the way she poured out her life on me.
9. Megan Dart
She has loved me through it all. Being persistently loved by people when you're unlovely is just so Godly. Megan has been that for me. She never threw in the towel--just like Jesus.
10. David Geidl, my husband
He sees me at my worst. He loves me still. His forgiveness and love have made marriage more beautiful. We're on this journey together, and it is exciting to see him moving on this same path. We encourage one another along the way. He's an oak of righteousness.
11. The Summit Church
They stepped outside the box. It was new for me. It was refreshing. I cherish the four years I spent there with that group of believers. If you're in a church where things refuse to change, you will not see much grace. I'm thankful that the Summit is a gracious body.
12. Marla Livers
Marla teaches me all the time. She is the kind of friend who'll get down in the mud with you and help you get out. She has suffered more than her fair share in life, but she NEVER minimalizes my suffering. She's a living example of God's grace.
13. Melissa Smith
She is my twin in personality. We both struggle with being rule-makers and rule-followers. But we're growing together. We've both changed a lot. But we are a beautiful picture of iron sharpening iron. It's awesome how God has used her to shape me. I can't imagine what kind of person I would be right now if we hadn't become friends.
14. Kathy Ruddick
It's hard to think about her being in the hospital and having suffered so much for the last three months. She is a mighty woman of God. She led me out of an intellectual prison into the freedom of the Spirit. She has never assumed a place of authority over me, but rather, she has served me endlessly always pointing me back to Jesus. "Why don't you pray about that, Amanda?" She always listens, but she knows Who has the answers.
15. Kaysie Steele
Kaysie told me once, when I was hitting a rough patch, "Sometimes, it's just life. It happens. The cause of it isn't really important." Kaysie has gone through so much, but she has such a good perspective on it. She's not blaming. She walks in grace with her family and her friends. You gotta love a woman with a good head on her shoulders.
16. Meredith Mayer
Pure in heart. Gracious. She knows her Father's voice. She is precious and encouraging. She brightens my days with her laughter, and her sincerity can't be beat. We haven't even known one another for a year, and yet, I feel like we've known one another for decades. She loves hard. That's important.
17. Donald Miller
Just read his stuff. He's great. He really captures faith in action--loving people practically.
18. W. Paul Young
Yes, the author of _The Shack_. I don't agree 100% with everything he says there, but this book was a catalyst for me spiritually. It set me on a path to become more aware of God's heart.
19. Wayne Jacobsen
_He Loves Me!_ is awesome. It builds on _The Shack_ in a more Scripture-saturated kind of way.
20. Danny Silk
_Loving our Kids on Purpose_ built on the two previous books (above). It translated for me how to parent like God. How to extend grace in parenting--it's valuable stuff.
21. David Crowder Band
"Church Music" is what I listen to most of the time. This album is so where I'm at right now. DCB is where it's at.
22. Believer's Church
This is a community of genuine folks who let it all hang out--good, bad, and ugly. They're beautiful people with a heart for seeing Jesus all over the world and into the hidden nooks and crannies of our lives. I love 'em.
What I find interesting about my journey is that my list is full of regular people that I have lived in community with at a point in my life. There are so many more people I could have added, but for space's sake, I added the ones that jumped right out at me as I chronicled my journey in my head. We were meant for community--meant to live together, loving one another as Christ loves us, extending His message of grace to those around us. It's beautiful stuff.
Friday, January 22, 2010
I Know That My Redeemer Lives
I wanted to share something very near to my heart. I know this is a public forum. I know that not everyone who reads my blog is even known to me. Many of you are my friends in "real life", some of you are my friends in blogger-land, and then there are those who are like sisters to me though we haven't met (or met briefly!!!). Some of you may wonder why I haven't told you in person or on the phone--I don't know why--just don't take it personally--it's not an easy thing to talk about. I hesitated to write about it on here, but I really want my friends here to see God's grace and peace worked out in my life. I want them to see the way He takes care of his children. I miscarried last week. I was not very far along--not even 5 weeks.
We are sad, but we are not in despair. We so feel His grace and peace in this--I can't even describe it. Miscarriage is something I didn't know much about until I was married. I didn't realize how common it is. 10% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. So many more times, people miscarry and don't even know it (this is the more common statistic you see which is between 20%-33%). I've also noticed a lot of women don't talk about it. I understand why they don't want to talk about it. It sucks. It's hard. It is so personal and dear to our hearts--and it hurts to talk about it. However, I really feel like hearing these stories from other women helps others walk through it if they have to.
My dear friend, Marla, lost two babies after they were born. Watching her walk through that unspeakable grief empowered me in a way I didn't realize. Though she and her husband were devastated, their world did not end. They still loved God, still trusted Him, and came to a place of peace with their loss. I could see God's grace on her in her trials. I couldn't understand how she must be feeling, but I imagined how horrible it would be.
Miscarriage is something I have always feared and dreaded. In fact, each time I've been pregnant, I've found myself worrying about it or wondering when my turn would come (it was especially hard because I had SO MANY friends losing babies). When we discovered I was pregnant, it felt very surreal and honestly, I didn't feel good about it. I just felt like something wasn't right, and I did not have high hopes that this pregnancy would continue. I see His grace even in that intuition--it somehow prepared my heart. When I began miscarrying, I saw that it was the end--I would not hold my baby, and I would have to wait to meet him/her.
But, even in my sadness, I found comfort and peace in the arms of Jesus. He grieved with me. I do not believe this was His Will. His will is not for babies to die. It is not his will that sin and death rule. He did not design it this way. However, He does allow the effects of sin in the world to have their consequences. I don't know why He intervenes sometimes and not others. But I do know He is good. I know that He was weeping with me. I know His heart is grieved when we suffer.
But I also know that He is a redeemer!!!!
He will not allow our suffering to be wasted.
He will not leave something ugly. He will make it beautiful.
He can't help it--He loves to make all things new.
I totally trust Him. I totally love Him. I totally worship Him without reservation.
No matter what hard thing you have to walk through, know that He will redeem that in your life. He so wants to show you his mercy and grace in your time of need. He is good, and His mercy endures forever.
We are sad, but we are not in despair. We so feel His grace and peace in this--I can't even describe it. Miscarriage is something I didn't know much about until I was married. I didn't realize how common it is. 10% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. So many more times, people miscarry and don't even know it (this is the more common statistic you see which is between 20%-33%). I've also noticed a lot of women don't talk about it. I understand why they don't want to talk about it. It sucks. It's hard. It is so personal and dear to our hearts--and it hurts to talk about it. However, I really feel like hearing these stories from other women helps others walk through it if they have to.
My dear friend, Marla, lost two babies after they were born. Watching her walk through that unspeakable grief empowered me in a way I didn't realize. Though she and her husband were devastated, their world did not end. They still loved God, still trusted Him, and came to a place of peace with their loss. I could see God's grace on her in her trials. I couldn't understand how she must be feeling, but I imagined how horrible it would be.
Miscarriage is something I have always feared and dreaded. In fact, each time I've been pregnant, I've found myself worrying about it or wondering when my turn would come (it was especially hard because I had SO MANY friends losing babies). When we discovered I was pregnant, it felt very surreal and honestly, I didn't feel good about it. I just felt like something wasn't right, and I did not have high hopes that this pregnancy would continue. I see His grace even in that intuition--it somehow prepared my heart. When I began miscarrying, I saw that it was the end--I would not hold my baby, and I would have to wait to meet him/her.
But, even in my sadness, I found comfort and peace in the arms of Jesus. He grieved with me. I do not believe this was His Will. His will is not for babies to die. It is not his will that sin and death rule. He did not design it this way. However, He does allow the effects of sin in the world to have their consequences. I don't know why He intervenes sometimes and not others. But I do know He is good. I know that He was weeping with me. I know His heart is grieved when we suffer.
But I also know that He is a redeemer!!!!
He will not allow our suffering to be wasted.
He will not leave something ugly. He will make it beautiful.
He can't help it--He loves to make all things new.
I totally trust Him. I totally love Him. I totally worship Him without reservation.
No matter what hard thing you have to walk through, know that He will redeem that in your life. He so wants to show you his mercy and grace in your time of need. He is good, and His mercy endures forever.
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