Hope

Hope is a word thrown around nonchalantly and with great ease these days.  People use it in reference to the mundane, the political, and the spiritual.  Something in us longs for HOPE.  If we have not hope, we will surely despair and fall into the deep abyss of depression.  


Hope is only as good as its object.  We can hope that the weather will be nice on Saturday, but if our hope is placed in the weather, then we may find ourselves severely disappointed when it showers non-stop during our child's baseball game.  We can hope that the next President will make all of our wildest dreams come true, but find ourselves disillusioned and disgusted when he turns out to be just another politician.  We can hope that the Savior of mankind is going to return, even on a specific date, only to find ourselves empty and victimized because our hope wasn't in Jesus but in a flawed human who happened to be obsessed with numerology.


Hope is only as good as its object.


If you're placing your hope in a method, a weatherman, a formula, a doctor, a lawyer, a president, a government office, a salesman, a spouse, a child, a predicted date, you, my friend, will be disappointed.  If you place your HOPE in the Maker of heaven and earth, the One who is "I AM," the Alpha and Omega, the Prince of Peace, the Savior of the World, the King of Kings--you will not be disappointed.  

Romans 5:1-5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^a have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^b rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we^c also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

He is our peace.  His glory is our HOPE.  Because of this, we can REJOICE in sufferings.  Hope does not disappoint because He has poured out His love on us!!!

If you lack HOPE, ask yourself:

Where do I place my hope?

Hope is ONLY as good as its object.

My Journey To Contentment

I have seen that a couple of my friends were reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I checked out Ann's blog, and after reading just a few entries, I knew I had to read this book.  Desperately needed to read this book.  Why?

Because I am a complainer.  Discontent.  And it flows from my heart to my mind and out my mouth.  It's ugly.  It has imprisoned me in a state of negativity.  The pessimism was so thick, I couldn't see the optimism for the half-empty glasses.

The premise of the book is that it is gratitude that engages us into communion with God.  If we can't be thankful in the little things, we aren't worshipping Him, praising Him, or giving Him glory.  She began making a list of 1,000 things she loved, and in so doing, she discovered that each was a gift from God, and the mere naming of these things was worship.

I started a journal just for my list.

 "Every day, I will reflect on my blessings.  I will refuse to complain.  I will refuse negativity.  I will be thankful.  Even when it's hard, I will find that blessing in the pain, the beauty in the ash heap.  I will be changed.  He will soften my heart.  My mind. And my tongue.  I will learn to be content."

I've only been keeping my list for six days.  But I can already tell a difference.  I am not giving my mind free reign.  The minute a negative thought arises, I find myself telling it, "No, I will not complain.  How can I be thankful instead?"  Some of you may have noticed my thanksgiving posts on Facebook.  They arose out of this.  There are enough bad attitudes and complainers on Facebook.  I don't need to make it worse.

And you know what I've discovered?

People like to stop and be thankful.  They like the positive.  They like not thinking about what is wrong with everything.

#3    Dave coming home every day
#9    Felix's coughing laugh
#17  Bob Ross and "happy trees"
#19  My baby in heaven, only mine for a brief moment, but always God's
#20  The way Felix hold's Milo's hand while nursing or sleeping
#24  A heart that keeps hoping
#26  Having my hands full
#31  Sunshine
#32  Hearing the roll of tricycles on the deck
#37  The Helper who helps me to choose the path of holiness and contentment
#39  Lucy's giggle as she runs back to her bed and me trying not to smile

Wanna join me?

What We're Doing

What we're doing about Halloween:

We aren't the celebratory type when it comes to scary stuff, so we are buying some candy, stuff for s'mores, and we're building a bonfire in our yard. We're gonna veg out with our kids and make ourselves a little sick with sweets. You are welcome to join us.

What we're doing about getting ready for babies:

We are buying a bunch of stuff. We haven't registered anywhere--too much hassle. We've got our carseats which is huge. We are contemplating having them in the pack and play in our room, but it won't fit well on the side of the bed. Anyone want to make me a cradle? I didn't want to pay $150 for a bassinet. Will be checking into co-sleepers as a cheaper alternative. I've got sheets, mattress pads, towels, washcloths. What do we need? Clothes. And I need to buy the rest of the cloth diapers I will need. I'll use disposables until they're about 8-9 lbs. I guess we need those too.

What we're doing for my birthday?

Ask Dave. He better come up with something good. :) Look out 31.

And Lucy's birthday???

I'm planning a party for her a few days before OUR birthday. Yes, we share our birthday. So, party for her, and I get Birthweek 2010.

What we're doing for Thanksgiving:

Dave's mom and grandma are coming to cook. Dave is on call. I plan on watching the parade.

What we're doing about Sam's Christmas Birthday:

Well, it all depends on when these boys arrive. I would like to have a party for Sam with some of his friends a few weeks before Christmas. I'll be 37 weeks on Dec. 23rd, so I could have babies by Christmas Day or maybe not! I have no clue. This one is being played by ear. As is Christmas. I am planning on a fake tree this year because it may be a while before we're able to take one down. :)

What we're doing about Christmas gifts:

I don't know. We're thinking donations to charities in people's names. We did this one year before, and we didn't get much reaction...don't know if that was good or bad! Whatever we do, it's gotta be simple.

What we're doing about staying sane:

We are taking life one day at a time--with as much pre-planning as possible! :) No, really, we are not worrying and fretting over how things are going to go once our darlings are born. We are learning to be content and trust our Father to provide what we need in terms of help and sleep and childcare. We are trying to enjoy our time with our three children before life gets crazy. We are hoping we can stay focused on our Father and His love in the midst of all of these changes. He has been so good and faithful and kind to us, and we are so thankful for Him.

Expectations of the Expectant Mother

Time is passing rather quickly, it seems. The first day of Fall is on Wednesday, and after that season passes, my babies will be here. It is hard to believe I have between 3-4 months left.

I feel anticipation and anxiousness when I think about going into labor. I am excited for them to arrive, but I don't want them to come too early. The longer they stay in, the healthier they'll be. There is that in-between waiting that is just hard. I am growing by the second, and I have a hard time imagining what I'm going to look like in December.

Deformed. I'm sure I'll look deformed.

That's okay; I have a good reason. :)

I've also found that I've been much more quiet about this pregnancy. I rarely call the boys by their names to other people. I don't know why. I just say "the boys." I think perhaps I am savoring the knowledge of the two of them in my womb. Since I get to have ultrasounds so frequently, I have a pretty good handle on where each boy is positioned. I can think of them in terms of "Felix just kicked me," or "Milo has the hiccups." It's a special bond between the three of us.

I wonder what they'll look like. Will they be identical? Will one of them have red hair like Sam? Will they look different enough that I don't confuse them?

Sam and Maryn are excited about their arrival. I'm a bit nervous for Lucy. She is a mama's girl, and I wonder if she'll be too jealous or clingy. I hope not. I hope she'll be excited to run and get me things I need. We are planning to move her into Sam and Maryn's room in the next few weeks. The party will probably last for a month or two. I'm hoping she is secure and sleeping well in their room by the time Felix and Milo arrive.

I'm holding out hope for help. I am praying that God will send some people to help us with the older children and meals. I really DON'T want people to come who just want to hold the babies; I want REAL HELP. I will be spending a lot of my time feeding the boys, and it would be nice to know that my other children are not running around like crazy people.

I'm so thankful for God's grace in all this. He knows what we need, and I can see that it won't be easy, but I know HE will be faithful to us and help us when we need it. He's a really good Father.

Oh, the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus!

I've been thinking about sorrow and grief multiple times over the last month. I've had three friends miscarry their sweet babies, and hearing that news just never gets easier.

It's also been on my mind a lot because the baby I lost would have been due this week. I've thought so many times about how I would have been close to delivery, eagerly anticipating his/her arrival, and our lives would be changed again. Watching my friends walk through the journey without me has not been easy; in fact, it has just sucked. I certainly wish no ill will on anyone, and I am happy for them; it's just hard to watch them knowing that I won't get to experience that with the baby I lost. I think I am in the final stage of grief, and I think this too shall pass as this date passes me by.

I miss that little baby, conceived in love and commitment, created for a purpose. I was honored to be his/her mommy for just a short amount of time. But, I'm still sad. Even with two wiggly boys in my womb right now, I still feel the loss of that precious one. Just because I was able to conceive again doesn't mean that the love and memory of that precious one has been erased. I will never forget that sweet child.

Last night, after hearing of another friend miscarrying, I began thinking of Jesus, dying on the cross, becoming sin for us and carrying our sorrows. Isaiah 53 says,

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

⁴ Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Jesus, the Son of God, the Son of man, understands the grief and sorrow that comes with loss of a child. Because of His great sacrifice on the cross, He acquainted himself with these very griefs. He experienced ALL of it on the cross. He is the ideal one to carry us through the grief and sorrow ourselves. I am so thankful for this beautiful gift--one who can understand perfectly what I am going through because He has ALREADY CARRIED IT for me. I can lean on Him and trust Him in my sorrow.

Occasionally, I will still have a sad moment, but through it all, the overwhelming and predominant feeling in the midst of sorrow has been JOY. JOY in Him--that He loves me, that He would carry my burdens, that He is my strength, that He is my hope. I pray that my friends experience this Deep, Deep, Love of Jesus. I pray that they are touched by His Joy and can be filled with it in the midst of their own sorrow.

We are healed by His stripes. We are whole in Him. We lack nothing. We have everything. All will be restored. All will be made new. Praise Him!!!

Tids and Bits

Here comes the bullet list:

• My ankle is still hurting. Doing exercises for it and resting. I ran last night, but the pain is still present. More rest. I really hope I am ready for the race in a month!
• I really want to go on vacation with my husband. I hope it will become a reality!
• We are building a square-foot garden. Go HERE for details.
• I am in a funk. I need a nap. I want to go on a date. I don't want to do anything that resembles work.
• I can't seem to kick my soda habit.
• I want to blog, but my head is fuzzy. I think I'll blame it on the pollen.
• I have important things to share, but a bullet list is not the place (not pregnant FYI).
• I have a headache.
• Sam had a stomach bug. No one else has gotten it. Yet. Hopefully won't. He's still not 100%, but at least he's not throwing up anymore.
• I think I am bulleted out.
  

Day 11--Couch to 5k

1.1 miles today. I did 5w/4r/5w. It wasn't too bad, but the humidity was 100% again, and that makes it a bit harder to breathe. Here's the link to sign up for the Conway race if you're interested:

http://www.womenrunarkansas.net/

I'm tired. I took the van to the mechanic for a look-over. Tire issue, but no big deal. I would love to take a nap, but those are quite rare these days.

I can't complain too much--the sun is shining, and it isn't storming. I think a Happy Hour from Sonic may be in order. I could really use a pick-me-up.

I'm a little sad today--just grieving a burden for someone. I'm not taking it as my own, but I still am affected by it. I so want to see freedom break through and joy in the midst of pain. This could apply to so many people in my life right now!!!

I think I need some Jesus time.

Disappointment and Hope

I've heard a few people talking about how they feel a spirit of hope rising in their hearts for the coming year. They sense God's hope rising above the sadness and struggles and in spite of them. I must confess, 2010 hasn't been so great for me. I'm struggling to sense that hope, though I know it is there.

Dave and I were talking last night, and I had a really great cry--the kind where my body was heaving and I was gasping for air. It is so cleansing to just release all of the pent-up emotion that I had tried to keep at bay. I've sensed that the one who wars for my soul has been on my case to steal my joy and rob me of my hope in the One who makes all things new.

I lost my baby. I'm sad. Not all the time, just occasionally, but it hits at unexpected times, and I am sometimes unprepared to deal with it in that moment, and what it turns into is me getting snappy, illogical, and blaming. I feel jealousy when I hear another person is pregnant. I certainly do not wish ill will on anyone, but I do feel that jealousy creep in from time to time.

I have known now for several years that people don't understand why Dave and I want to have several children. People often said when it was just Sam and Maryn, "Well, now you have one of each, so you're complete!" What is that? Who decided that was the "perfect" family? We have a longing in our hearts for children. We can't explain that to everyone, but we know it is part of our purpose. We want to adopt, and as I've mentioned before, some people think that's crazy since we already have three kids. We so strongly feel that children are a blessing from the Lord--a gift. We believe part of our purpose as husband and wife is to reflect the truth of Christ and the Church in our marriage--the husband (Christ) gives new life to the wife (the Church). That may not gel with some of you, but that is what we believe about our union and what it represents.

So, when I lost the baby, I had certain expectations for what my grief would look like. It certainly wasn't looking like what others had experienced. Now, I'm realizing it really is different for everyone. I am realizing that Solomon was right when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12). We so hoped for another baby right now. It has been deferred, and I am disappointed. My heart sometimes feels sick. It's hard to watch others walking forward in their pregnancy, knowing that I should be experiencing it with them.

But losing the baby isn't my only disappointment. Trying to fatten up Lucy has been a chore. There are times when she is completely uninterested in her food, and I worry about it. I don't need more suggestions for how to fix it, I just need to be able to release her to the Lord's care. He showed me a year ago that she was for the "display of His splendor" and "the smallest a mighty nation". She is going to be okay. I hang onto that, but it seems hard to remember it in the midst of the disappointment.

I have also been disappointed about small town life. I was under the impression that in small towns, everyone knows everyone and everyone takes care of each other. I have found this to not be true. It may be true if you've lived in that town your whole life, but if you are a newcomer, you are on the outside. I've even heard people say, "You can live there for 10 years and still be the 'new' person in town."

My best friend here is moving away today. She will be 2.5 hours away, and we will still talk on the phone. But, I am sad about it. I am going to miss her. I have made a few other friends, and I am happy that I am building relationships with them. I am thankful to have them. But I see the way so many gossip about one another and the way even believers are not supportive of one another. It breaks my heart to see fragmenting like this in the Body.

So, I have these disappointments and others, but I'm sitting in the secret place letting my Father love me. This is all I can do right now. I can't make my situations more comfortable. I can't make people change. I can't right all the wrongs. I can only rest in His love.

And dance away the darkness.

I do a lot of that. You may think that's crazy, but it really works. When I feel the darkness creeping in and trying to steal my joy, I put on some David Crowder and dance all over the house. I bring my body into submission and trample the lies I'm hearing and let my body be a sacrifice of praise.

I long for the Hope. I ache for it. I crave it. I will cling to it though the darkness hides it. His light will break forth like the dawn. So, I say,

"The sun will no more be your light by day,
nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory." Isaiah 60:19

The Advent of the Light

I read Luke 1 this morning, and I was so moved. Reading as Elizabeth prophesied, then Mary, then Zechariah--all of them focused on the coming of the ONE. Their world was dark, too. I'm sure it seemed so hopeless, living under Roman occupation with extreme poverty and little freedom. Not too much has changed. Of course, I sense that though the Church in America is wealthy and free materially, we are not so spiritually.

We are bankrupt of love. We look out for our own welfare not concerned for the welfare of others (I am NOT even talking about the government--I am talking about the CHURCH). We have forgotten HIM and what HE came to do and what he entrusted US to do. Instead, we heap yokes of burden on others--piles of rules and regulations that can't possibly be kept. We expect people to PROVE their devotion to God by how much they DO. We are slaves to a law that we've been freed from--and it is all of our own choosing.

We boycott bars, people, movies, corporations, and we fail to see that we are arrogant and full of our own glory. We esteem ourselves as "not having done this or that" and "avoiding the appearance of evil"--whitewashed tombs full of dead men's bones. We have missed it. We are in darkness (of our own choosing).

Zechariah, John's father, prophesied this:

Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come and has redeemed his people. He has raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David (as he said through his holy prophets of long ago), salvation from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us--to show mercy to our fathers and to remember his holy covenant, the oath he swore to our father Abraham: to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to ENABLE US TO SERVE HIM WITHOUT FEAR in his holiness and righteousness before him all our days...because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to SHINE on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace. (Luke 1: 68-75, 78-79)

This is our message--a message of hope to a people living in darkness. But how can we communicate it if we too are living in darkness? Step into the light, the freedom, and embrace the Rising Sun so that you may be able to embrace others with His light and life.

Arms in the Air

Today is the day.

My good friend, Marla, is going to become a mother for the fifth time. I will never forget where I was when I got the news that she was headed to the hospital the first time. I was so excited. It was 6 in the morning almost 6 years ago. I had predicted what day she would deliver (and I was RIGHT). I also will never forget where I was when I heard that everything was NOT okay. I was in the teacher's lounge using the phone to call her and find out how Halley was doing. Marla answered and said, "You haven't heard?" She was obviously still in shock. Halley wasn't breathing on her own, her muscles were constricted, and they had no idea what was wrong.

I prayed and prayed for the next two months.

I really thought she would be healed.

Then, Nate and Marla had to make the hardest decision of their lives. They had to remove life support from their precious Halley because her organs were all failing.

I didn't know what to do. How do you help someone who has just lost their first child to an unknown disease? Our small group planted some flowers for them, and we went to the memorial service. I now cannot hear "Fly to Jesus" without bawling. Halley's life, though brief, changed mine forever. I told God, "I really thought you were going to heal her."

He said, "I did--just not how you thought I would."

It was hard to watch Nate and Marla grieve. Especially when I became pregnant shortly after Halley's death. The guilt I felt for being pregnant when her baby was gone was hard to bear. Sometimes, I just didn't know what to say.

I was about 4-5 months pregnant with Sam when Marla announced they were pregnant again. We were all overjoyed, but we were also scared because the doctors thought it could be a genetic disease that was not yet documented. No other known disease really explained it. I had Sam, and Marla continued to grow and blossom in her pregnancy. Things were looking okay, but they didn't really know what to think because Halley's pregnancy had been normal (to their knowledge). Just over 14 months after Halley was born, I got a phone call from our good (and mutual) friend, Melissa, telling me that they were doing a c-section to get Porter out because his non-stress tests looked concerning.

I remember yelling in the phone, "No!!! This is NOT happening again!" Melissa and I cried together over the phone, and once again, I started to pray.

Porter was taken out several weeks early, but his symptoms looked frighteningly familiar. And again, two months after he came into the world, Nate and Marla had to, once again, remove their baby from life support. At the visitation, I just didn't know what to say. My baby was healthy and six months old. That guilt returned.

"I'm so sorry," was about all I could muster. His little body in the casket was almost too much to bear. It was good for me to see him, though. It helped a little. I just could not believe I was going to yet another funeral for one of their children. Of course, now the doctors had determined that the disease was genetic, and that they had a 25% chance of a baby having it each time they conceived. That is devastating news to bear.

Marla told me later that people often said insensitive things to her in hopes of cheering her up. I didn't want to be one of those people. I found it hard to find things to say, but I tried to listen if she was willing to talk.

A few months after Porter's death, I found out I was pregnant again. Guilt returned (also because I had another close friend who had miscarried that summer as well). But then, there was finally some GOOD NEWS.

Nate and Marla were going to adopt a baby.

I prayed and prayed that the adoption would go smoothly and that the birth mother would not change her mind.

And Shepherd was born. We had a baby shower after he arrived, and it was so sweet because Marla didn't let anybody hold him. But no one tried to--we all wanted her to hold her baby as much as she wanted!!! He was theirs. I had Maryn about two and a half months later.

We all went off to our separate residency programs, and we grew closer than we'd ever been. We talked weekly (sometimes multiple times a week). I watched Marla grow in grace. You could see the Lord was healing her. She is very transparent and honest about how she's feeling. It was good to hear her talk about her grief and her journey to healing.

She called one day and dropped the bomb that she was pregnant AGAIN! I didn't think she was crazy. I knew that she and Nate were not flippant about this. I knew that they listened very carefully to what God was telling them to do--especially in this area. I prayed and prayed for her baby, had others praying, and when the day came, Owen was born, and he was healthy!

I cannot begin to describe the joy that we all felt over this news!!!

Marla and I have grown so close through the years, and I am blessed to be in this spot once again, praying for her and her sweet baby girl, Marley, who will arrive in the next hour or so. I have learned so much from Marla about trusting God, about being real, about grief, about fear, and about being healed.

I may have prayed for Marla, but she too has prayed for me. She doesn't minimalize my struggles by comparing them to hers. This is what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like. I'm sure of it! Holding one another up as we walk through life--the good, the bad, and the devastating. It's mutual.

So, now, would you join me in praying for the safe arrival of Marley Grace? I'll post again with the news. We're believing God for another miracle!

On Turning 30 and Bucket Lists

I'm rapidly approaching my 30th birthday in November. To some of you, I'm a spring chicken. To others, I am THAT LADY WITH THOSE KIDS. No matter what my relative age is, I do feel as if I'm entering a new phase of life. 30 seems so much older than 29. Okay, maybe not that much older...

I will always remember (unless my memory starts to go soon...) that episode of "Friends" in which Phoebe tries to complete her "Things to do before I'm 30" list only to find out she's been 30 and is almost 31. She proceeds with the list and has the time of her life doing it.

Well, I have a list. It isn't a "Things to do before I'm 30" list but more of a "Things I want to do before I get too old to do them" list. :) I'll share 30 of mine, in honor of my upcoming birthday, then you share some of yours.

These are not listed in order of importance, FYI.

1. Sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.
2. Go backpacking around Europe (just Dave and me).
3. Put flowers on C.S. Lewis' grave.
4. See the Redwoods in California.
5. Visit Seattle and drink coffee at the first Starbucks.
6. Go to a Yankees game.
7. Go to Walt Disney World with my kids.
8. Visit Easter Island and see the big stone heads.
9. Go to India and eat tons of Indian food.
10. Visit Israel and walk where Jesus walked.
11. Go to Greece and take pretty pictures.
12. Climb a few more 14,000 ft. peaks in Colorado (I've climbed one so far...and a few shorter ones, like 13K or 12K).
13. Go to NYC and do NY stuff (Broadway, Central Park Zoo with the kids, Times Square).
14. Visit all of my internet friends at least once.
15. Be an overseas missionary in China, Eastern Europe, and Central Asia.
16. Ride in a gondola in Venice.
17. Own a stick shift again.
18. Buy a really nice camera with a nice, wide lens (I hope this one comes true soon.)
19. Adopt a child.
20. Be revolutionary...somehow.
21. Write a book.
22. Learn to paint or draw better.
23. Lose all the baby weight (for good...after I'm done having babies, of course!).
24. Find the birthplaces of my ancestors and visit there (Ireland, Scotland, England...of course)
25. Teach my girls how to sew.
26. Learn how to can food.
27. Learn how to quilt--for reals (there's an elderly woman in my Bible study who is up for the challenge!).
28. Read more classics.
29. Plant a garden and keep it alive for an extended period of time.
30. Leave a legacy for my children and grandchildren.

I may add to this as I think of things. Your turn.

"Living Less Loved"

Before we left Oklahoma, we had the privilege of hearing Wayne Jacobsen speak at our church. Some of you may recognize his name--he helped publish The Shack with William Paul Young. Since moving to Arkansas, I have thought about his message many times, and I happened upon one of his books (at Wal-Mart, of all places!!!).

The book is He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father's Affection. I am not quite halfway through it, and it has blessed me tremendously. I am highly recommending it.

One of the key ideas in the book is something I have struggled with my entire life, and I suspect you have struggled with it too--"Living Less Loved." What does that mean?

Wayne says this,

"When we worry that God will ask us for some horrible sacrifice, we live less loved.

When we indulge ourselves in sin, we live less loved.

When we give in to anxiety in the crush of our circumstances, we live less loved.

When we try to earn God's favor by our own efforts, we live less loved.

Even when we get caught up in religious obligations to make ourselves acceptable to him, we live less loved."

We tend to believe that when good things are happening to us, God is happy with us and is pleased. However, when bad things are happening to us, we believe that God must be angry with us and is punishing us for something we did or didn't do. We play a game of "He loves me. He loves me not." We spend all our time trying to figure out if He really loves us or not.

This is hard because EVERYTHING else in our lives uses that system of reward. When you obey your parents, you're a good boy/girl. When you get bad grades in school, everyone is disappointed with you. This system is a human system, but we mistakenly attribute it to our Father in heaven. There are a lot of rules in the Bible, but God honestly doesn't think you're going to keep them all! He knows, in fact, that it is impossible for you to do so! This is precisely why He sent Jesus--so that in His grace, He could have a relationship with you apart from works!

I mentioned that this is something I have struggled with in life. I truly believed (and still struggle with the belief) that God was often displeased with me because I wasn't doing enough. This may sound silly to you, but let me share it in hopes of others finding freedom. I used to keep a prayer journal. After a summer camp, I was told that the proper way to pray was to use the ACTS method (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication). So, I began to take this method and apply it to my prayer journal. I truly believed that it would please God if I didn't forget to do all four sections. My legalism flourished as I followed the formula to a "T". It became obsessive and consuming as I realized that I had a lot more supplication than adoration and my confession list could never be long enough, and my thanksgiving list was way too short!

Before I realized it (which wasn't until college, actually!), I was in bondage to my prayer journal! I was living less loved--I was "caught up in religious obligations to make (my)self acceptable to Him". I wasn't walking in freedom or in His love. I have many of these broken places in me. He is slowly healing each one and revealing new places He wants to touch.

I'm certain you have experienced this. Ask Him to show you these broken places, and let Him heal you.

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

Remember Me.

When the day just isn't starting out right...
When the illness isn't subsiding...
When the money isn't there...
When the reconciliation just isn't happening...
When the cupboards are bare...
When the children won't obey...
When the car won't work...
When the friends turn their backs...
When the death doesn't make sense...

Remember.

Psalm 77:7-15, "Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

"Selah." (stop and listen)

"Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD;

yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago."

"I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? "

"You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph."

"Selah." (stop and listen)

Psalm 103:1-5, "Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

He's more than enough, people. He's big enough. He's strong enough.

And He won't forget.

A Witness

The Father is stirring in His children. He's moving us to the next level. He is doing a healing work in us and moving us out to share that healing work with a hurting world. He's called (and is calling) us to be His witnesses in the earth. Our local body here has been teaching on this subject for a few weeks now, and in my spirit, I sense that Jesus "is on the move" (only Lewis nerds will get that reference).

As a follower of Jesus for most of my young life, I have given witness of Him more than once. Sadly, many of those moments of witness were reduced to a formula, a prayer, and a rote confession. I see those I shared it with, and sadly, no evidence of fruit remains. Why is this?

In the Christianity I've grown up in, I've seen the Body separate themselves from their culture in such a way that when they try to encounter it with the Good News, they fail miserably. I feel we've become arrogant. We've really believed we're better than the rest of the world because we have been redeemed (thereby missing the fact that we were redeemed because we NEEDED to be). We rush out our door condemning people for their sins, organizing rallies against them for their sin and never holding out the Word of Life.

Somethin' has gotta give.

Being Jesus to people means denying ourselves. It means becoming like people "to win some". We can't reach people when we elevate ourselves above them. We've got to embrace our culture--not wage a war against it. I'm NOT saying that we need to embrace the sins of our culture. Culture is " the sum total of ways of living built up by a group of human beings and transmitted from one generation to another" (dictionary.com). Some of these ways obviously involve sin, but if it means that you decide to live on the street with homeless people to reach homeless people (like Mike Yankoski), then by all means, embrace that part of our culture.

For far too long, the church has viewed themselves as the "city on a hill" that is cloistered and secluded on a hill--not the city on a hill THAT CAN'T BE HIDDEN. We have to stop hiding and setting ourselves apart unto ourselves. We are to be set apart unto God, living FOR Him--being His hands and feet IN THE WORLD.

Being a witness means being a martyr. It's actually the same word in the Greek. Now, I know you're thinking, "A martyr? Really?" Well, the chances of you being a martyr for Jesus in America is not too realistic at present, but how about being a metaphorical martyr? How about DYING TO YOURSELF? How about forsaking your lifestyle, your money, your traditions in order to reach those who live on the fringe? The untouchables of our society are desperate for LIFE. And instead of preaching condemnation, how about we preach eternal life? How about preaching grace? Love? Hope? Most people in this country have had more than enough of condemnation. Most of them know about hell. Let's stop selling tickets out of hell and start holding out the Word of LIFE.

I do believe in hell. I do believe in sin. I believe salvation from sin is through faith in Christ alone. I just don't think the way we've beat people over the head with it has been effective. I think we must LOVE them and SEE them as our Father does. Jesus' attitude towards the downtrodden was much different than it was to the self-righteous. He wasn't preaching hellfire and brimstone to the weak and weary, it was to those who thought they didn't need Him. They were comfortable with their rules and false trust in their own morality to save them.

America doesn't need more morality without Jesus. It needs Jesus first. The Body needs to take Jesus to people--not rules, not denomination, not disputable doctrines--Jesus, the Risen Lamb of God, slain for them. They really need to see His love. Most people do not equate Christianity with love these days. If that is the case, then we have missed it ourselves. I'm not talking tolerance--I'm talking LOVE. You can stand against evil without standing against people. We've got to love people, baggage and all. Let Jesus change them. Begin with Jesus, and trust Him to do a work in them.

Somethin's gotta give, people.

It's us. We've got to give up our agendas, our prejudices, our spirits of offense, our distaste with the unlovely, our pride in our religion, our very way of life. I'm amazed that Jesus laid aside His glory to come walk among us, the Word made flesh. He became like us to win us. We've got to do the same.

What's that going to look like for you?