My Mental Eyes Are Bigger Than My Emotional Stomach

I've bitten off more than I can chew--emotionally. Jesus is so gentle, even in that. He reminded me this evening that He will heal me in His timing. He will do the transforming--I just have to be teachable and receptive. He will overcome my struggles for me as I rest in Him.

I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm okay, really. I think I underestimated the emotional toll that weaning and hormones combined might have on someone with as delicate a constitution as myself (a little Jane Austen for ya).

There are several areas of my life that I suddenly felt I had to repair--parenting, marriage, my own baggage and life patterns. It's just too much all at once.

I am thankful for the grace and peace that comes when I listen to the One whose opinions are just and true and perfectly timed. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness to me.

Solving Amanda

I first want to say that this post is not directly at anyone in particular. It is merely an introspection into who I am and figuring out what is okay and what is not.

I am a strong personality. I am assertive in arguments. I desire resolution--immediately. I am organized (in my own way). I prize efficiency above many other things. I like punctuality. I am intentional.

I take initiative.

These aren't bad qualities, though they can rear an ugly head when not used in a positive spirit. What I have been considering recently (and many times over the years), is that I take initiative in most of my relationships. What I'm trying to figure out is if it is my fatal flaw (yes, a bit arrogant comparing myself to a Byronic hero).

Do I take initiative more out of my desire and value of relationships or out of a needy place in my life?

Do I initiate conversations because I'm lonely or because I value the relationship?

Why does this seem to be a pattern in my life? Are others just letting everyone else initiate their relationships? Or am I just such a strong personality that I don't give them a chance to do so? Do my friends take me for granted? I often wonder what would happen if I stopped taking initiative.

It seems in so many of my relationships that I am the one who takes the initiative to hang out, to call on the phone, to travel, to visit. If I were to stop, would my friends still be my friends? Would we hang out? Would we talk?

I don't know why I am this way. I am really soul-searching here trying to figure out why I give SO much in my friendships. I want to see if there is something broken in me that Jesus needs to heal. I don't want to be unhealthy in my friendships. I want to make sure that me taking initiative is out of value rather than brokenness. Do I need to set boundaries for myself in this?

I'm not looking for answers from my readers. I am just verbally processing what is going on in my head. Please don't feel a need to counsel me or try to make me feel better about this. I'm not upset, just curious. I pray for Holy Spirit insight into my own heart which He knows better than I.

5-9-5 Run and Other Things

Yesterday, Nicole and I took turns watching kiddos again so we could also alternate running. It was a good run. I did have a particularly hard time up a steep hill, but I made it, and the rest of the running was good. I could have kept going--I was in the rhythm.

Dave is on call this weekend, so he's tired. I'm tired. Kids are tired. :) But, we are going to make the most of our call weekend. I'm almost finished with one sewing gift! Hurray! Our taxes are finished! Slushies are in our future.

Can I just take a little break from the monotony of my life and share something God is teaching me?

I am prideful. A lot. I accuse others of their sins. I fail to recognize my own. But God is gracious. He is reaching into these dark cavities in my heart that I didn't know existed. He's showing me the ickiness that is hiding in there, and He is getting in there with a toothbrush to get every little bit out. He is a neat freak, you know.

I'm seeing that so many of the hard things I have to deal with in my life are often rooted in my own selfishness. I forget that others may be struggling, and I absorb internally anything they do or don't do and somehow direct it at myself. I've become a VICTIM.

But Jesus says I'm not a victim.

He says I am MORE THAN a conqueror. I am free! I am victorious. I am not a VICTIM. I am a VICTOR.

I don't have to bow to my selfishness. I don't have to cower beneath insecurity. I don't have to give in to wayward thoughts of "poor, pitiful me".

I am loved.

I am cherished.

I am desired.

I am delivered.

I am free.

I am hopeful.

I am faithful.

I am HIS. HE is mine.

This is what His blood bought for me--not a life of surrender to worry or fear--but a life surrendered to His goodness and grace!!! This is good news!!!

I pray today you will see not just who you are in Him but who HE is and how faithful HE will be to complete the good work He started in you.

Undisclosed Desires

I used to identify my Christianity as "Protestant", "Baptist", or "Non-Denominational". Now, I prefer just to say that I am a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. I realize that all across the Christian spectrum, there are those in every camp who are believers in name only and not with their lives.

I have a dear friend, Carrie, who is Catholic, and she introduced me to Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. While I do not wholeheartedly embrace all things Catholicism teaches (and neither do I Protestantism), I embrace this teaching that we are created in the image of God, that male bodies and female bodies don't make sense on their own, that procreation is a beautiful picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church, that in our sinful humanity our desires for fulfillment have become twisted and inverted so that we bear shame and seek to fulfill them ourselves with things that do not fill. I love this teaching--it is beautiful and resonates so strongly with my spirit.

I begin to see the same longings in hearts everywhere--it is apparent so boldly in our films and our music. Christopher West, the leading Catholic educator (in America) of Theology of the Body, is quite adept at seeing these in lyrics. Carrie showed me a blog that he and Bill Donaghy write called Twisted Mystics. They hash out song lyrics that reveal our hearts' true longings that can only be fulfilled by Jesus Himself. Here is my own submission to their blog--Muse's Undisclosed Desires:

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Now, that you've read these lyrics, go back and reread them as if they were spoken by Jesus. I realize that may sound blasphemous to some, but seriously, consider what it would be like if Jesus were to say these things to you (I realize this may be difficult for those of you in the male arena). We hear a man speaking to a woman here--a woman who has gone down the wrong road, again and again, seeking fulfillment from her lovers. They never satisfy her emptiness. She has come to believe that she has nothing to offer. She is worthless and ashamed. This man speaking to her says he believes he can heal her--show her what she's worth. He wants to cleanse her of her past, show her she's more than her pretty face, show her she has something to offer--she is altogether pleasing.

Are you seeing the parallel? I love this song. If you haven't heard it, go HERE.

Doesn't Jesus want the same thing for us? Doesn't He want us to see that we are the One for Him? Doesn't He want to purify and cleanse us from our demons and our past? Doesn't He want us to see that we are pleasing to Him and beautiful in His sight? Doesn't He want to fulfill our desires perfectly?

We are so loved.

Life After Three and the Lies of Productivity

I was talking to some women last night at a Christmas party, and as we were discussing transitioning from one child to two and then two to three, I realized that my housekeeping skills haven't been the same since I went from two to three. Sure, they weren't great when I just had two, but they really went downhill at three!!!

This transition was probably one of the most difficult ones to make, but after a year of having three, I am getting the hang of going out with them, eating with them, and having fun with them. However, I still find the housework a challenge!

Like today, for instance.

I have been doing laundry and dishes. I also straightened my bedroom and fixed a wobbly drawer in the kids' dresser.

I remember with two I could have also cleaned out the fridge and done a thorough house blessing! Perhaps it is partly related to having a little one who is INTO EVERYTHING! When she is awake, I really have to keep my eyes on her.

Dave is awesome. He doesn't complain. Even when I ask him to complain, he can only muster, "I wish you would rinse off your dishes before you put them in the sink." Seriously? That's it? You aren't furious that your underwear are dirty and there are dishes piled in the sinks and all along the countertops? You aren't frustrated that there are goldfish all over the dining room floor and crumbs and marker streaks on the table? He really is a gem.

I know sometimes I am too hard on myself in the housekeeping department, but how did Dave's grandma do so much on a farm? How did she get up at 4am? How did she milk all the cows, take care of four kids (one set of twins) and bring water up from a well? And garden? And clean? And cook? HOW?????

I don't know. I think my life is pretty easy compared to hers, and I don't have to keep a farm running to survive, either. My life is so different. I'm thankful, but I do wish I had some of that motivation. But, at the same time, I do think "productivity" is a god in this culture. We measure worthiness and capability by how much one accomplishes in a day (or an hour).

When my head hits the pillow tonight, I want to think that I did exactly what I was supposed to do today. My list of accomplishments may be short, but I pray my children and husband felt loved by what small amount I was able to do.

Aw, snap.

Yesterday was a good day.

Until we went to Wal-Mart.

I had to pick up groceries, etc. Dave took all three kids and wandered around the store while I shopped for the food. I saw a couple of people I knew. No big deal.

When I found Dave, the kids were still good. We headed toward the front of the store, and all of a sudden, I snapped.

It was so weird.

It was like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I just lost it. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even the cashier. I was snapping at Dave and the kids.

We got into the car, and I realized the life had been sucked out of me at Wal-Mart.

Dave felt similarly, but he didn't snap.

I think it was a combo of seeing people I know when I just want to be anonymous, having to be nice when I don't feel like it, being ravenously hungry, and having to excuse my wiggly children from every passerby.

I also think the evil-o-meter is pretty high right now, probably orange threat level. That might have had something to do with it too.

Dare I say, "I've become a homebody?"

Managing our Freedom

It's funny how busyness is different in different places. In residency, Dave was busy with work, Good Samaritan, meetings, call, etc. I was busy with Bible study, book club, and events. Now that we've moved here, a few things are the same--he still has call every week (though it is from home), and I still have Bible study. However, we've also found a way to be busy in other things.

We exercise. Every day (but Sunday--we rest our bodies). Since we have three children, daily exercise--together--is difficult. And boy, do we need one another! If we weren't there to encourage one another in it, we wouldn't do it. So, every night, after we put the kids to bed, we put in our DVDs. We do Gilad's (from FitTV) workouts. We do cardio and strength training, alternately, six days a week. It's huge for us! But, we've realized, that we have less free time in the evenings now that we exercise.

Dave commented the other day, "How did we get so busy here?" Well, we have a small group meeting on Sunday nights. We have a meeting in Conway every Tuesday night. I have a women's Bible study on Tuesday mornings. Dave is "off" (sometimes) on Wednesdays, so we run a lot of errands. It's busy, but it is a good kind of busy. We are much healthier than we've been in a long time.

Somewhere along the way, we started choosing to do things out of a desire to be healthy rather than a place of guilt or obligation. I remember being heavy laden in college with three Bible studies a week, church, community group, and a large student meeting each week (not to mention the part-time job and my classes). It was too much, and much of it, I did it because I felt like if I didn't that I wasn't spiritual enough. Now, the things I choose are out of genuine desire and not duty. It's healthier and more rewarding.

No longer do I cower under obligation. Though it may be kind of a silly way to go about things, I reached a point in my life where I wouldn't do something (even if it was good) if I was doing it out of guilt, shame, or obligation. Instead, I would only do those things when the desire came. I know some of you are thinking, "If I did that, I would never do any of the things I am supposed to do." That may be true. It wasn't for me, and that surprises me (because I believed that too)!

It seems like desire finally had the opportunity to arise because I was not giving obligation and duty any room to rule me. I guess, in a way, I learned to manage my freedom (in much the same way I'm trying to teach my children to do). I chose not to exercise. This had consequences. I was free from the guilt of obligation to exercise--I was not a slave to it, but the consequence for not exercising is getting fatter and flabbier. Suddenly, a desire to be healthy and fit arose, and I gladly chose to exercise. I made decisions, and I ruled my decisions instead of them ruling me.

Last night, after we finished "Cardio Strike!", we made some popcorn (and a bag of candy corn) and sat down to finish a movie we'd started. We started talking about how eating the popcorn (and candy corn) might not be a good idea. I said something like, "We're free to eat popcorn (and candy corn). It's not that big of a deal." Dave agreed, and then said, "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." (a quote from the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 10:23). We laughed about that because we knew that to eat the popcorn (and candy corn) wasn't sinful, but it wasn't going to be beneficial to us. Well, we ate it, and we felt gross afterwards. We managed our freedom, but we experienced a consequence that wasn't pleasant. Chances are that after we work out tonight, we won't indulge our appetites quite so much. But, we are learning to walk in grace and how to make good decisions for ourselves.

It isn't about following a list of rules. It's about walking in freedom, making good decisions in the power of the Holy Spirit, and pursuing things from a true place of desire. There is always a place for balance, and there are so many things I want to cultivate disciplines in (like meditation on Scripture, prayer, walking in the Spirit...), but I KNOW that I can't discipline myself to do things out of fear or duty because those are the wrong motives. Those kinds of works will not make it through the fire. Our Father is a good Dad. He knows we long to please Him and try our hardest. But even He desires that we do it out of desire and not duty. (Read Piper's little book, Duty and Desire...I forgot I read it until now.)

This is the abundant life Jesus was talking about...or at least a smidgen of it.

Pharisaical Parenting: Punishment and Reward

pharisaical (adj.)--practicing or advocating strict observance of external forms and ceremonies of religion or conduct without regard to the spirit; self-righteous; hypocritical.

I was blown away by the response to my last post, both here in Blogger-land and on Facebook. I'm so glad it was a blessing to so many. The nice thing is that Jesus was the One who was doing everything; I just got to be a part! I'm such a novice in the arena of grace-based parenting. I welcome further reading materials and ideas to round out my experience as a parent. The book I read, Loving our Kids on Purpose, is primarily targeted for children from elementary school age to high-school age. None of my children are in school yet, so I did find it a bit challenging to have ideas for toddler/pre-k children. There were some great principles, though, and I was thrilled to see them succeed when I applied them.

Being creative is the hard part.

It's so hard, in fact, that it is much easier to resort to the punishment/reward system. If you do this bad thing, you receive this punishment. If you do this good thing, Mommy will give you a present. Which, in turn, communicates, "When you're bad, bad things happen to you. When you're good, good things happen to you."

Is this a true idea?

The Pharisees thought so. They lived their lives so perfectly (on the outside) because they really believed they could appease God. They thought that God expected men to fulfill the law and obey Him. What we know about God is that He knew that would never happen. He knows us inside-out, and He knows that His creation is completely incapable of fulfilling any righteous law on their own. So, His plan was for Jesus to come, become sin (think about that until your head explodes) for us, so that we would become righteous in Him. Let's break it down:

• Mankind chose to give up their relationship with God in the Garden in exchange for the knowledge God was holding out on (in their minds).
• God, in His mercy and grace, deemed that death was the penalty for sin. In this way, mankind would not be eternally sinful, and there would be an opportunity to redeem mankind out of his sin if mankind would choose a relationship with Him.
• God gave a Law--a law so perfect that none could keep it. In this way, the Law became a teacher, to show mankind that they needed a Savior; they were powerless on their own to become righteous and have a relationship with God.
• Jesus was the answer. He has a perfect relationship with His Father. Their desire was to reunite mankind with the Father. Jesus gave up His life, became our sin, suffered our punishment, and reconciled us to God.
• When we enter into relationship with the Father, we often believe He still wants us to keep that perfect Law. But, that is the sort of thing that couldn't be further from His mind. He just wants us to experience His love and live in relationship with Him. He accepts us and loves us and thinks precious thoughts over us, His children.

Now, I often become the Pharisee when it comes to disciplining my children. I say, "Walk this straight line or suffer my wrath!!!" I, to my own sorrow, have often resorted to yelling, shaming, and spanking in anger that my children would dare to disobey ME. This is not the heart of the God of the Universe. This is the heart of the god of this world. This is the god that numerous peoples have sacrificed their children to on altars, hoping to gain favor with the scary volcano god. This is not our Father.

Therefore, this is NOT how we should parent.

There is NO fear in LOVE.

Perfect love casts out ALL fear.

Let's go back to the idea "When you're bad, bad things happen to you. When you're good, good things happen to you." This is how our world works. You see this in employment, in school, in traffic, in crime. This is how the world operates.

But we are not of this world. We are citizens of a heavenly country!

We are to be like Him in all things. This includes parenting.

Parenting without fear. Parenting without punishment. Parenting with Him.

Your kids are participants in their discipline. You are the loving one, the one leading them to Him. And if we're on the same page, you don't want them to think that He is like those gods demanding they adhere to external list of rules without regard to the spirit.

Now, I'm far from an expert on this topic. I'm a novice. I've only been parenting this way for two weeks. I will say this: it is much harder to parent in this way. It is not easy. It requires more thought, more creativity, and more prayer. It requires more discernment and more time asking the Holy Spirit what in the world to do. But, I truly want my children to trust me as their parent, and to learn to protect our relationship. I don't want them to live in fear of me and my punishments for their sin. I want them to feel safe with me, even when they mess up.

A few things to consider:

• How do I relate to the Father?
• What do I think He expects of me?
• Am I afraid of Him?
• Do I believe when bad things happen that I did something wrong?
• How do I relate to my kids?
• What do I expect of them?
• Are they afraid of me?
• Do they feel they have to earn my approval?

I pray this is a blessing and not a burden. It has brought me great joy and freedom both as a child of God and as a parent. I pray it does the same for you.

Nieces, A Nephew, and This and That

I did clean up the house. It looked great. I didn't take pictures. Now it is a bit of a mess again. We went to see our extended family this weekend. It was nice to see everyone, but I must admit seeing my nieces and nephew was the highlight. :)

I got to see Britany, who is so much of a woman now, it freaks me out a little bit. It's hard to believe she was our flower girl and so little and now so tall and beautiful. I got to see her little sister, Jadlynne, who just turned one! I can't believe she's one. I am getting older moment by moment. Jadlynne had a birthday party, and it was fun to watch her stuff her mouth with cake and open her presents like a pro.

I got to see Case too. This kid is a bundle of energy and fun, but he is also genuine and sweet. I'm so thankful he and my kids are close in age; they have so much fun together. I did get to see 3 week old, Addison Mae, for the first time. She is a DOLL. She looks a lot like my brother, and that is a little strange to look at her and see so much of him there. (I could see Miranda there too, but I do think Chris' genes were a little dominant!) I think my brother is a grown-up man now--he has fathered a child and is dedicated to his family. I'm very proud of him. I was telling him that if I didn't know better, I'd think Case was his biological son because he acts so much like Chris did as a little boy! :) Addison better look out!

We went to hear William Paul Young speak last night. He wrote The Shack, in case you didn't know. There has been a lot of controversy over this book, and I understand it. I just don't agree with it (the controversy). I think the book is amazing and beautiful. It touched some deep places in me and awakened me to the truth of God's love for me. That can never be bad. :) I think the people who get up-in-arms over it need to be shaken--they need to know that the box they've put God in is of their own making, and He is not under their thumb. I found the book refreshing and eye-opening. It truly is a message of grace and freedom, which is what Jesus came to give us. Paul's talk last night was his story--where he came from, what happened along the way, and how Jesus healed him. It was beautiful, just like his book.

I finished He Loves Me by Jacobsen as well as Loving our Kids on Purpose by Silk (see earlier post of my book list). Both are fantastic. Jacobsen's book built on the truth of grace and freedom, and Silk's book applied those truths to parenting. I am excited about the place God is bringing me in these truths. Both are wonderful, refreshing reads, so check them out. I'm going to read a little fiction for now before I pick up any more of the books on my book list. I just picked up Adam by Dekker at the library. We'll see. He's a good writer, for the most part. Sometimes I don't like his word choices, but that's just me being a nerd and being irritated by Christian artists.

Okay, well, that's my update for the day. I must move on to menu planning and grocery list making. XoxoXO!

Leopard Print and a Lexus

This may be the scariest title I've ever posted. For reals.

I've mentioned in the past that this is the kind of doctor's wife I don't wanna be. So far, I'm pretty safe and far from that image.

I'm NOT a big deal.

I don't wanna be a big deal.

Yet, here in this little town, I can't help but feel like people look at me differently when they know who my husband is.

It makes me thankful for a '91 Acura, three kids in the backseat, me in my old thrift-store t-shirt with my flops and tiny ponytails. Everything in me resists the fancy.

Yet, when I've gone to Walmart nearly every day for a month, I am that person. Part of the reason I've gone is because I keep forgetting stuff, but the other reason is the whole getting-settled-again state. If I'm really honest, then it's also the I've-got-to-get-out-of-the-woods-and-see-other-humans state of being. I know (to the door-greeters) I must seem like a frivolous spend-thrift. I am, a little bit.

Yesterday, I mixed it up. I went to Thriftway and spent $70 on groceries. I felt pretty good about myself. I didn't use any coupons. I want to get back into that as well. The Total Money Makeover is about to dawn. Look out, money! You're about to get used on stuff that matters!

Back to the leopard print...

I feel like finding community here might be hard if people can't see beyond the whole status thing. It means I get to be more authentic, I think. I'm not talking about airing all my dirty laundry to any person I meet. I just mean learning to be real with people and really connecting on a human level, without pretense. It's my desire to find real community here with people who aren't like me--people who work in garages, people who work at the Super 8, people who are divorced, people who live on the lake with boats, people who drink too much, people who have never had a drink.

I so want to be like Jesus. I want to pour out my life and live in such a way that people don't know what kind of resources I have at my disposal, but at the same time, be willing to use my resources to heal, to touch, to serve.

You can take that leopard print and sell it. You can crash that Lexus.

I want something eternal and real.

I want to be little so He can be big.

"Living Less Loved"

Before we left Oklahoma, we had the privilege of hearing Wayne Jacobsen speak at our church. Some of you may recognize his name--he helped publish The Shack with William Paul Young. Since moving to Arkansas, I have thought about his message many times, and I happened upon one of his books (at Wal-Mart, of all places!!!).

The book is He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father's Affection. I am not quite halfway through it, and it has blessed me tremendously. I am highly recommending it.

One of the key ideas in the book is something I have struggled with my entire life, and I suspect you have struggled with it too--"Living Less Loved." What does that mean?

Wayne says this,

"When we worry that God will ask us for some horrible sacrifice, we live less loved.

When we indulge ourselves in sin, we live less loved.

When we give in to anxiety in the crush of our circumstances, we live less loved.

When we try to earn God's favor by our own efforts, we live less loved.

Even when we get caught up in religious obligations to make ourselves acceptable to him, we live less loved."

We tend to believe that when good things are happening to us, God is happy with us and is pleased. However, when bad things are happening to us, we believe that God must be angry with us and is punishing us for something we did or didn't do. We play a game of "He loves me. He loves me not." We spend all our time trying to figure out if He really loves us or not.

This is hard because EVERYTHING else in our lives uses that system of reward. When you obey your parents, you're a good boy/girl. When you get bad grades in school, everyone is disappointed with you. This system is a human system, but we mistakenly attribute it to our Father in heaven. There are a lot of rules in the Bible, but God honestly doesn't think you're going to keep them all! He knows, in fact, that it is impossible for you to do so! This is precisely why He sent Jesus--so that in His grace, He could have a relationship with you apart from works!

I mentioned that this is something I have struggled with in life. I truly believed (and still struggle with the belief) that God was often displeased with me because I wasn't doing enough. This may sound silly to you, but let me share it in hopes of others finding freedom. I used to keep a prayer journal. After a summer camp, I was told that the proper way to pray was to use the ACTS method (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication). So, I began to take this method and apply it to my prayer journal. I truly believed that it would please God if I didn't forget to do all four sections. My legalism flourished as I followed the formula to a "T". It became obsessive and consuming as I realized that I had a lot more supplication than adoration and my confession list could never be long enough, and my thanksgiving list was way too short!

Before I realized it (which wasn't until college, actually!), I was in bondage to my prayer journal! I was living less loved--I was "caught up in religious obligations to make (my)self acceptable to Him". I wasn't walking in freedom or in His love. I have many of these broken places in me. He is slowly healing each one and revealing new places He wants to touch.

I'm certain you have experienced this. Ask Him to show you these broken places, and let Him heal you.

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

Surely Goodness and Mercy will follow me...

I have sure got a lot on my plate. When I begin thinking about it for too long, I get incredibly overwhelmed. I heard the Lord saying last night, "Enjoy the simple things. Simple. Simple. " That is my goal today. It doesn't make my list any shorter, but it gives me little bits of down time in the middle of the craziness.

The Lord is so good to show His love. Yesterday, I went to a prophetic teaching time at church. I mostly went to support my friend, Kathy, and to pray with other people (have really been desiring that lately), but wouldn't you know, the Lord showed up and smothered me in His abundant love. I was reminded of how much He enjoys me and loves who I am. I was reminded that He loves my personality and that I make Him smile. I was reminded that He is growing me taller and taller. I was reminded of the beautiful giftings He has given me and that He is going to use me. It was a sweet time to be with Him and feel Him lifting me out of the ickyness I had been feeling. Life gets harder when you try to live it on your own. I've been reminded more than ever that I am not self-sufficient and cannot live a self-sufficient life. I was bought with a price, and I am not my own.

He is so faithful to not leave us in our own mess. Aren't you glad?

Today, as I think through my list, I am really needing to just get organized. We have an appraisal tomorrow, and I need to clean the house and pay bills. Those are my priorities for today. Dave is at work. It is his LAST call at the hospital here. That is hard to believe!!! My list might seem shorter if I take a little nap...my eyes are a bit droopy.

Let the oil of the Lord's love soak you today. Just enjoy His refreshing.

The Image of God

I've been thinking about the image of God a lot lately. Most of it is because I am doing a Catholic Bible Study right now on Pope John Paul II's teaching Theology of the Body. Let me tell you, fellow Protestants, this teaching is RIGHT ON. I know many Protestants are quick to shy away from anything in Catholicism, but I beg you to check out this study. Christopher West is the chief teacher of this study and has written several books expounding and unfolding the Pope's teaching for the laypeople in the Church. You can check out his website here for downloads, articles, speaking engagements, and books to buy. You can also check with any local Catholic church for class schedules.

This study is based on Scripture. It unfolds the mystery of Christ and the Church as depicted in the marriage of man and woman. It is beautiful, amazing, and life-changing. This study has made me want to take my marriage to a new level and see it the way God does. It's just so awesome!!! I can't even begin to write a blog post on what I've learned from this introductory study, but I hope I've piqued your interest enough that you'll want to check it out for yourself.

Here are few bullet points of things that I've learned:

• Our bodies don't make sense by themselves.
• Our very body speaks of the truths of God's image.
• Lust is NEVER okay in marriage. It is a twisted form of a God-given desire. It is selfish and not sacrificial like love.
• Christ, the Bridegroom, gives a total gift of His body to the Church, the Bride, and fills her with Eternal Life. Our spousal union should look the same.
• "The human body whispers the innermost secret of God--that God himself is an eternal exchange of life-giving love, and that we are destined to share in that life and love as male and female."

This teaching has HUGE implications. I think it is beautiful and worth every bit of time you give to it. C'mon, Bride, let's make ourselves ready for the big day!!!

Who I Am, By Definition

I have noticed increasingly on many blogs and facebook that everyone (including myself and some of you) is eager to define themselves. I see blog profiles that list labels of oneself that look a little like this:

I'm an AP, cloth diapering, baby-wearing, breastfeeding mama to seven children.

OR

I'm a homeschooling, SAHM who cleans her own house and cooks only organic food.

OR

I'm a Christian working woman who thinks my husband is a joke and my kids are angels.

Okay, well, I'm being a tad facetious. I'm telling you upfront so you don't misunderstand my sarcasm.

On Facebook or Myspace, it is never uncommon to see that everyone is taking a quiz to define themselves:

• What kind of mother are you?


• What kind of wife are you?


• What should your parents have named you?


• Right-brained or left-brained?


• What movie best describes you?


• Which "Friends" character are you?

and so on and so on.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm including myself in this because I have both taken these quizzes and gone on labelling frenzies of my own.

It is concerning to me that so many of us are searching for some kind of explanation of ourselves. We're searching for the pieces to our broken identities and lamely defining ourselves by films, television characters, and arbitrary traits that some 12 year old made into an application on Facebook.

What is the problem?

As Rafiki said to Simba, concerning his kingship, in "The Lion King", "You don't even KNOW who you are!"

We don't know who we are.

Why?

Because we've been lied to, and we believe it. We don't see ourselves as people of value. We see ourselves as empty, meaningless, fleshy blobs instead of what we truly are. Something in us desires to be defined. To KNOW who we are and why we're different from others and why we're the same--not a weirdo. We're complex beings that have a skewed perspective of ourselves.

It's no secret that Satan is a liar. He's been doing it since he lied to a 1/3 of the angels in heaven. He most desperately doesn't want us to know who we are because if we figure it out and actually believe it, then we're going to be more likely to trust in Jesus. We're going to be more likely to walk in victory over sin. We're going to be less likely to struggle with feelings of guilt and shame. We'll be less likely to demean others and perpetuate the process of lying to people about who they are. We'll be less likely to remain silent about our faith.

So, if Satan's a liar, what is the truth? Who are we? You think you know the answer? I'll bet you know the answer, but you don't believe it. You may believe it in your mind, but not in your heart. You don't believe it or you wouldn't be so eager to define yourself.

I'll tell you who you are:

• You are created by God FOR God. He created you in His good pleasure. When He made you, He said, "I did a good job on this one!" He takes great pleasure in His creation--even though sin taints and corrupts it. He still loves it and takes pleasure in it because it is the work of HIS hands.


• You are not what you do. For example, you may homeschool or unschool or publicly school or privately school your children, but that is not your identity! God doesn't look at you and see a homeschooler, etc. He sees a son or daughter. Period. Imagine the conversation in heaven when a mama decides to work outside the home:

"Well, Father, it appears that Penelope is now a working mother."

"Yes, Son, I see that. Let's be sure to get that written down next to her name in the Lamb's Book of Life. Wouldn't want to forget that..."

• You cannot be defined by someone else. They are themselves, and you are yourself. You may share common attributes, but yes, YOU are unique. No one has the combined experiences and talents and ideas and giftings and desires that you have. You are a masterpiece. Don't let others place a definition on who you are. Only look to the One who made you. He knows EXACTLY who you are. You are not "Ross", "Phoebe" or "Chandler". They're not real, you know!


• As much as we try to be different, we really yearn for sameness. We want to belong. We want to be in a group or subculture to be with people who are like us. "Birds of a feather, flock together". This is a natural response after the Fall. This, however, was not the Father's intent. His original plan was for unique, beautiful creations to be in unity with everyone, including Himself, all deferring to one another, serving one another in a bond of peace and mutual respect. This was His vision in the beginning, and this is His vision NOW for His body--not that we remain as fragmented pieces of a puzzle, set apart by traditions and doctrines. But, rather, that we come together to form the most beautiful picture of all--a healthy Body of Christ. You, my friend, are a part of the Body no matter how frustrated you may get with her various denominations, they are a part, and so are you.


• You are the Bride of Christ. Bought with a price. Holy and beloved. Built as a temple for the Holy Spirit. Cleansed and renewed. Beautiful in her chamber. Clothed in grace and mercy. Redeemed from the foundations of the earth. Worthy. Don't listen to the Enemy who says you aren't good enough. Jesus says you are accepted, loved, treasured and cherished.

We all wear many hats in this life. I've worn a few myself: daughter, friend, student, employee, singer, teacher, wife, mother, member, blogger...but all of these hats are not WHO I am. I am a daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD, and I am HIS. He is where I find my identity. I am a child of God who operates as a wife to Dave and a mother to Sam, Maryn, and Lucy.

Who are you? Really.