Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Solving Amanda

I first want to say that this post is not directly at anyone in particular. It is merely an introspection into who I am and figuring out what is okay and what is not.

I am a strong personality. I am assertive in arguments. I desire resolution--immediately. I am organized (in my own way). I prize efficiency above many other things. I like punctuality. I am intentional.

I take initiative.

These aren't bad qualities, though they can rear an ugly head when not used in a positive spirit. What I have been considering recently (and many times over the years), is that I take initiative in most of my relationships. What I'm trying to figure out is if it is my fatal flaw (yes, a bit arrogant comparing myself to a Byronic hero).

Do I take initiative more out of my desire and value of relationships or out of a needy place in my life?

Do I initiate conversations because I'm lonely or because I value the relationship?

Why does this seem to be a pattern in my life? Are others just letting everyone else initiate their relationships? Or am I just such a strong personality that I don't give them a chance to do so? Do my friends take me for granted? I often wonder what would happen if I stopped taking initiative.

It seems in so many of my relationships that I am the one who takes the initiative to hang out, to call on the phone, to travel, to visit. If I were to stop, would my friends still be my friends? Would we hang out? Would we talk?

I don't know why I am this way. I am really soul-searching here trying to figure out why I give SO much in my friendships. I want to see if there is something broken in me that Jesus needs to heal. I don't want to be unhealthy in my friendships. I want to make sure that me taking initiative is out of value rather than brokenness. Do I need to set boundaries for myself in this?

I'm not looking for answers from my readers. I am just verbally processing what is going on in my head. Please don't feel a need to counsel me or try to make me feel better about this. I'm not upset, just curious. I pray for Holy Spirit insight into my own heart which He knows better than I.