Solving Amanda

I first want to say that this post is not directly at anyone in particular. It is merely an introspection into who I am and figuring out what is okay and what is not.

I am a strong personality. I am assertive in arguments. I desire resolution--immediately. I am organized (in my own way). I prize efficiency above many other things. I like punctuality. I am intentional.

I take initiative.

These aren't bad qualities, though they can rear an ugly head when not used in a positive spirit. What I have been considering recently (and many times over the years), is that I take initiative in most of my relationships. What I'm trying to figure out is if it is my fatal flaw (yes, a bit arrogant comparing myself to a Byronic hero).

Do I take initiative more out of my desire and value of relationships or out of a needy place in my life?

Do I initiate conversations because I'm lonely or because I value the relationship?

Why does this seem to be a pattern in my life? Are others just letting everyone else initiate their relationships? Or am I just such a strong personality that I don't give them a chance to do so? Do my friends take me for granted? I often wonder what would happen if I stopped taking initiative.

It seems in so many of my relationships that I am the one who takes the initiative to hang out, to call on the phone, to travel, to visit. If I were to stop, would my friends still be my friends? Would we hang out? Would we talk?

I don't know why I am this way. I am really soul-searching here trying to figure out why I give SO much in my friendships. I want to see if there is something broken in me that Jesus needs to heal. I don't want to be unhealthy in my friendships. I want to make sure that me taking initiative is out of value rather than brokenness. Do I need to set boundaries for myself in this?

I'm not looking for answers from my readers. I am just verbally processing what is going on in my head. Please don't feel a need to counsel me or try to make me feel better about this. I'm not upset, just curious. I pray for Holy Spirit insight into my own heart which He knows better than I.

Whodunnit?

I got home on Sunday afternoon.

It was wonderful. I want to tell you all about it, but I have to wait.

Why?

Because right now, I am seething.

MAD.
ANGRY.
MUY MALO.

Someone compromised my debit card number while I was in Virginia.
They are using it on telecommunications (about $600 worth).
They used it at Lowe's ($400+).

So, I can't talk about how lovely my trip was or how wonderful it was to meet Joanna and Katie. (Yes, I got to meet Katie as well b/c her plans changed).

So, after I calm down, you can expect a post (or three...I have several in my head currently).

I keep thinking, "Was it that waitress at Chili's? Or the ATM I used at the mall? Or the other waitress at Joe's Crab Shack? Or was it the parking attendant?" Seriously.

Thank God He is the judge and not me.

Pray for me, and use cash when dining out. I should have known better.

Pharisaical Parenting: Punishment and Reward

pharisaical (adj.)--practicing or advocating strict observance of external forms and ceremonies of religion or conduct without regard to the spirit; self-righteous; hypocritical.

I was blown away by the response to my last post, both here in Blogger-land and on Facebook. I'm so glad it was a blessing to so many. The nice thing is that Jesus was the One who was doing everything; I just got to be a part! I'm such a novice in the arena of grace-based parenting. I welcome further reading materials and ideas to round out my experience as a parent. The book I read, Loving our Kids on Purpose, is primarily targeted for children from elementary school age to high-school age. None of my children are in school yet, so I did find it a bit challenging to have ideas for toddler/pre-k children. There were some great principles, though, and I was thrilled to see them succeed when I applied them.

Being creative is the hard part.

It's so hard, in fact, that it is much easier to resort to the punishment/reward system. If you do this bad thing, you receive this punishment. If you do this good thing, Mommy will give you a present. Which, in turn, communicates, "When you're bad, bad things happen to you. When you're good, good things happen to you."

Is this a true idea?

The Pharisees thought so. They lived their lives so perfectly (on the outside) because they really believed they could appease God. They thought that God expected men to fulfill the law and obey Him. What we know about God is that He knew that would never happen. He knows us inside-out, and He knows that His creation is completely incapable of fulfilling any righteous law on their own. So, His plan was for Jesus to come, become sin (think about that until your head explodes) for us, so that we would become righteous in Him. Let's break it down:

• Mankind chose to give up their relationship with God in the Garden in exchange for the knowledge God was holding out on (in their minds).
• God, in His mercy and grace, deemed that death was the penalty for sin. In this way, mankind would not be eternally sinful, and there would be an opportunity to redeem mankind out of his sin if mankind would choose a relationship with Him.
• God gave a Law--a law so perfect that none could keep it. In this way, the Law became a teacher, to show mankind that they needed a Savior; they were powerless on their own to become righteous and have a relationship with God.
• Jesus was the answer. He has a perfect relationship with His Father. Their desire was to reunite mankind with the Father. Jesus gave up His life, became our sin, suffered our punishment, and reconciled us to God.
• When we enter into relationship with the Father, we often believe He still wants us to keep that perfect Law. But, that is the sort of thing that couldn't be further from His mind. He just wants us to experience His love and live in relationship with Him. He accepts us and loves us and thinks precious thoughts over us, His children.

Now, I often become the Pharisee when it comes to disciplining my children. I say, "Walk this straight line or suffer my wrath!!!" I, to my own sorrow, have often resorted to yelling, shaming, and spanking in anger that my children would dare to disobey ME. This is not the heart of the God of the Universe. This is the heart of the god of this world. This is the god that numerous peoples have sacrificed their children to on altars, hoping to gain favor with the scary volcano god. This is not our Father.

Therefore, this is NOT how we should parent.

There is NO fear in LOVE.

Perfect love casts out ALL fear.

Let's go back to the idea "When you're bad, bad things happen to you. When you're good, good things happen to you." This is how our world works. You see this in employment, in school, in traffic, in crime. This is how the world operates.

But we are not of this world. We are citizens of a heavenly country!

We are to be like Him in all things. This includes parenting.

Parenting without fear. Parenting without punishment. Parenting with Him.

Your kids are participants in their discipline. You are the loving one, the one leading them to Him. And if we're on the same page, you don't want them to think that He is like those gods demanding they adhere to external list of rules without regard to the spirit.

Now, I'm far from an expert on this topic. I'm a novice. I've only been parenting this way for two weeks. I will say this: it is much harder to parent in this way. It is not easy. It requires more thought, more creativity, and more prayer. It requires more discernment and more time asking the Holy Spirit what in the world to do. But, I truly want my children to trust me as their parent, and to learn to protect our relationship. I don't want them to live in fear of me and my punishments for their sin. I want them to feel safe with me, even when they mess up.

A few things to consider:

• How do I relate to the Father?
• What do I think He expects of me?
• Am I afraid of Him?
• Do I believe when bad things happen that I did something wrong?
• How do I relate to my kids?
• What do I expect of them?
• Are they afraid of me?
• Do they feel they have to earn my approval?

I pray this is a blessing and not a burden. It has brought me great joy and freedom both as a child of God and as a parent. I pray it does the same for you.

A Lesson in Redemption

I have been hearing the Father in the neatest ways this past week. I wanted to share a beautiful little lesson I learned this week in a time of discipline with Maryn.

We are employing some new-to-us tactics in our discipline. One of them is getting creative and helping the kids have consequences that are memorable but that also allow them free will--they can make a choice and experience the consequences, positive or negative. (All this and more can be found in Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk)

(Photo courtesy of Amazon.com--where I purchased the book)

Well, helping Maryn manage her freedom has been very interesting. And hard. And crazy, at times. This week, we had a teachable moment in cleaning up after ourselves. I asked the kids to put their stuff (toys, shoes, pillows, blankies, all belongings) away. Nothing happened. Surprise. (Catch the sarcasm.)

The next time, I followed Danny Silk's lead, and I told them they could either pick up their stuff, or I would put their stuff in a trash bag to give to other kids. Both Sam and Maryn did not believe me, and they didn't pick up their toys. They made a choice not to. So, I grabbed a trash bag, and picked everything up. Then, in my mercy and grace (trying to mimic the Father, here!), I gave them another opportunity. I called them upstairs. I showed them all their stuff in the bag (this is new for them, so I am cutting them some slack), and then explained that they could save their stuff. I dumped it all on the floor of their room.

I said, "You get one more chance. I am going to set the timer for 15 minutes. You can either pick up your stuff and put it away nicely, or I am going to pick it all back up and give it to other kids. Anything that is left on the floor when the timer goes off will go into the trash bag. Sam, you pick up your stuff, and Maryn, you pick up yours."

I set the timer, and I walked away. Samuel got it. He cleaned up his stuff very quickly and was finished in no time. I went up there, checked it out. He was off the hook. Maryn, however, was playing. She had not a care in the world. Sigh.

Sam explained it to her, "Maryn, you better clean up your stuff, or Mom is gonna throw it in the trash!"

I pleaded with her to make the right choice. I explained how it hurt my heart. She had left her blankies on the floor, and I BEGGED HER to pick them up. She just looked at me and said in her sing-song voice, "I don't want to." Maryn's blankies are so important to her. She's had them since she was a baby, and she chews on them. Disgusting, I know. I knew how devastated she would be when she realized they were gone. At that moment, the Lord gave me understanding into His heart,

"This is how desperately I want my children to choose Me over their selfish pleasures. I plead, I beg, I offer multiple chances. I don't force their wills. It hurts my heart when they don't choose Me, but I must let them make their choice. They must choose to love Me, or it isn't love."

I, then, went downstairs to check the timer. It began to beep, and my heart sank--like the Titanic in quicksand. I went back upstairs with the trashbag and began picking up all her stuff. I explained once again what I was doing. She really didn't seem to mind too much, but I was smarter than that. I knew it would sink in at bedtime when she wanted blankie the most.

The Lord spoke again to my heart, "She was willing to sacrifice her most important possession in order to do what she wanted to do. How often my children do the same!"

I went downstairs and cried a little. My heart was broken for my little girl and her poor choice. This is new for me. Normally, I just get mad because the kids won't obey me. This time, I was grieved for her. I knew she didn't realize the gravity of her choice. I began immediately trying to think of a way to redeem it.

The Spirit said, "This is how I feel. This is why I MUST redeem you. I can't leave this undone. I will go at all lengths to restore you to me in our relationship."

I knew at that moment that I had to show the Father's heart and redeem blankie.

Bedtime that night was rough. She cried and cried. I held her, snuggled with her, sang to her, and she finally calmed. The next morning, after she'd been up for an hour or so, she began to wail (yes, "wail" is the proper term for our Maryn) for blankie. I really sensed the Lord wanted me to just spend some time comforting her and being with her in her loss. So, I did. I stroked her hair and told her stories about when she was born and how we wrapped her up in blankie. She listened quietly minus the wailing. As I sat with her, I once again sensed I was acting out His heart for us--He is with us even when we have wasted what was most precious. He is forever present with us in our dark places.

I began to pray, "Father, what would you have me do to show her your redemption? How can I redeem blankie for her?"

The word "books" came to mind instantly. I began scanning through my mental list of titles that I owned. Obviously, there were some books I couldn't part with, but I knew whatever book I chose to part with would have to be important to me. I went downstairs and scanned the bookshelves, and then I saw it. The Magic Christmas, a Sweet Valley Twins book that I read a dozen times in the 5th or 6th grade with my best friend, Abigail. This book was very important to me. It's one of those things I've hung onto from my friendship with Abby, and though I gave away all of my other Sweet Valley books, I always kept this one for sentimental reasons. (Forgive me, Abby!)

I knew I had to do it. Whatever I gave up had to be worth something to me. So, I took Maryn, Sam, and the book into the kitchen where the trashbag full of her stuff was. I explained how important the book was to me. I explained how I was going to exchange the book for Maryn's blankies. I was going to sacrifice my book so that Maryn could have her blankies. She was thrilled. I'm not so sure she got it.

But Sam did.

"Lord, this is a lesson for Sam?" I wondered.

Later that afternoon, Sam and I were reading The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (yes, we're STILL reading...his attention span is short!). We reached the chapter where Aslan exchanges his life for Edmund's. Sam and I had a long talk about Maryn's blankies, Aslan and Edmund, and finally, Jesus and us. It was so beautiful. It was an answer to prayer as well; I have been praying for these teachable moments for Samuel and asking for him to have lots of spiritual questions.

Though it was hard, I am pleased with how the discipline worked out. Justice and mercy both played a part. Maryn does believe Mommy now. Samuel came to a greater understanding of God's desire to know him. I became more like Jesus. I'm so thankful that our good, kind Papa redeemed this situation for all of us.

"Living Less Loved"

Before we left Oklahoma, we had the privilege of hearing Wayne Jacobsen speak at our church. Some of you may recognize his name--he helped publish The Shack with William Paul Young. Since moving to Arkansas, I have thought about his message many times, and I happened upon one of his books (at Wal-Mart, of all places!!!).

The book is He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father's Affection. I am not quite halfway through it, and it has blessed me tremendously. I am highly recommending it.

One of the key ideas in the book is something I have struggled with my entire life, and I suspect you have struggled with it too--"Living Less Loved." What does that mean?

Wayne says this,

"When we worry that God will ask us for some horrible sacrifice, we live less loved.

When we indulge ourselves in sin, we live less loved.

When we give in to anxiety in the crush of our circumstances, we live less loved.

When we try to earn God's favor by our own efforts, we live less loved.

Even when we get caught up in religious obligations to make ourselves acceptable to him, we live less loved."

We tend to believe that when good things are happening to us, God is happy with us and is pleased. However, when bad things are happening to us, we believe that God must be angry with us and is punishing us for something we did or didn't do. We play a game of "He loves me. He loves me not." We spend all our time trying to figure out if He really loves us or not.

This is hard because EVERYTHING else in our lives uses that system of reward. When you obey your parents, you're a good boy/girl. When you get bad grades in school, everyone is disappointed with you. This system is a human system, but we mistakenly attribute it to our Father in heaven. There are a lot of rules in the Bible, but God honestly doesn't think you're going to keep them all! He knows, in fact, that it is impossible for you to do so! This is precisely why He sent Jesus--so that in His grace, He could have a relationship with you apart from works!

I mentioned that this is something I have struggled with in life. I truly believed (and still struggle with the belief) that God was often displeased with me because I wasn't doing enough. This may sound silly to you, but let me share it in hopes of others finding freedom. I used to keep a prayer journal. After a summer camp, I was told that the proper way to pray was to use the ACTS method (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication). So, I began to take this method and apply it to my prayer journal. I truly believed that it would please God if I didn't forget to do all four sections. My legalism flourished as I followed the formula to a "T". It became obsessive and consuming as I realized that I had a lot more supplication than adoration and my confession list could never be long enough, and my thanksgiving list was way too short!

Before I realized it (which wasn't until college, actually!), I was in bondage to my prayer journal! I was living less loved--I was "caught up in religious obligations to make (my)self acceptable to Him". I wasn't walking in freedom or in His love. I have many of these broken places in me. He is slowly healing each one and revealing new places He wants to touch.

I'm certain you have experienced this. Ask Him to show you these broken places, and let Him heal you.

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

70x7 Chances

I find myself in a state of failure more often than I would like. The same things tend to trip me up over and over. I'm fully aware of what will cause me to fall, but instead of avoiding that thing, I just careen over the edge...again.

I am learning who God has created me to be. Thankfully, it's not the person I've been most of my life. I really struggle with being opinionated and speaking my mind with little regard to the consequences of doing so. I say what I'm thinking and feeling instead of praying about it. This causes problems, friends.

Wise Old Solomon had a lot to say about this (and my comments will be in parentheses).

Proverbs 8:8, "All the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse."
(I'm pretty sure I can't say this without lying...)

Proverbs 10:11, "The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked."
(How often do my words bring life?)

Proverbs 10:19, "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."
(I just keep talking and talking and talking and digging a bigger and bigger hole.)

Proverbs 11:9, "With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape."
(I've destroyed my neighbor far too often with my mouth, however, thankfully, God has let me have knowledge of this and provided a way out!)

Proverbs 15:28, "The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil."
(Hmmm...weighing answers instead of just gushing...too true too often).

Proverbs 16:23, "A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction."
(To be wise means that your mouth is guided not unbridled and free to say anything.)

Proverbs 21:23, "He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity."
(Yikes. I bring a lot of calamity on myself with my own tongue.)

I know I'm not alone in this struggle. But as Jesus' brother teaches--no one can tame their tongue. I'm guessing that this is something our Father has to do for us. He's working on it. I have to submit to His transforming work.

So, with that, I must apologize to my husband who is the unfortunate recipient of many of my words. Sorry, babe. Forgive me and my stinkin' mouth. I love you. Victory is in sight. I will get it, and I will change (because He said He would complete what He started--Philippians 1:6).

And to you, dear readers, you've put up with my verbosity. I pray my words will bring life and healing to you not destruction or division. Forgive me if I've discouraged you. Be encouraged today that God is still in the business of purifying and transforming us into His likeness.