The Baby Weight

I have a new theory.  Before I share, let me clarify a few of my beliefs.

1.  I think childbirth is a picture of Christ on the cross--the agony, the pain, the laboring, and then the new birth--I bring forth a baby; He brought forth the Church.

2.  I think women stress too much about losing baby weight (self included).

3.  I don't believe there is a certain time frame in which you must lose it (Ignore that "9 months to gain, 9 months to lose" lie.).


So, my theory?

I think a pregnant body and a postpartum body is beautiful.  Even though I sometimes struggle with the way I look now (usually a result of comparing myself to others), I do truly think it is a beautiful thing.  Why?

In the same way that Jesus' body was battered, bruised, torn, tattered, bleeding, gushing water, heart exploding, so does mine.

Now, I know you may be thinking that I'm crazy to compare the pains of pregnancy and childbirth to a crucifixion, and I get that--just hear me out--I, in no way, think I have EVER physically suffered even close to what my Savior endured on that cross.  But look at the similarities:

1.  He had stripes on his back from being whipped (cannot fathom that kind of pain).
     I have stretch marks.

2.  His body was torn by the cat of nine tails.
     Mine was torn by babies.

3.  He had blood pouring out of his body.
     I did too.

4.  When he died, they stabbed him with a spear, and blood and water gushed out.
     When my bags of water broke, the water gushed out.

5.  He labored to breathe.
     I labored with measured, meted breaths.

6.  His heart finally exploded.
     Mine exploded in JOY.

Now, I realize I may be reaching with this one, but I thought of it the other day after I'd been asked if I was pregnant with #6 (and I'm SO NOT)...which doesn't HURT my feelings, really, because I know my abs LOOK pregnant. And this has happened to me many times because twins just destroy the abdominal muscles.  But, I was mourning my pre-baby body, my pre-TWINS body, and then this thought occurred to me:

After Jesus arose, even His glorified body still had scars.  Why?

As proof?  For Thomas?  For me?

So, when I stand in front of the mirror and see my twin-skin, the stretch marks, and the separated ab muscles that could only EVER be repaired with surgery, I am going to remind myself of what I accomplished--

I brought forth NEW LIFE.

And so did He.  And for that, I am ever grateful.

And Then There Were Two: Our Twin Birth Story

We made it through Christmas without me going into labor. I was so thankful. I didn't want to miss celebrating Christmas with my older children, and I most certainly did not want to miss celebrating Sam's 6th birthday that evening.

Sunday came, and all was fine. That afternoon, the contractions began. They were irregular but painful. I talked to my midwife, and she suggested a glass of wine to calm my uterus. I had half a glass, and they calmed briefly. I tried to rest just in case this was the real thing. The contractions continued all night, and I barely slept. They were not getting any more regular, but they were still painful, and my back was killing me. I would just about doze off, and then another would come, and I would time it, only to be disappointed that it was not regular.

I had made it to 37 weeks and 4 days. With twins, it is recommended that you make it to at least 37 weeks for their safety. I was nervous about going into labor, though, because we live 75 minutes from the hospital and the babies had not been in the right positions at the last ultrasound. My last labor with Lucy was about 4.5 hours, and it would be dangerous for me to go into labor with the babies in the transverse position (sideways).

I had an appointment that Monday morning anyway, so Dave loaded up the van with all our stuff--just in case--and we headed to Little Rock. My doctor's partner saw me (my doctor was on vacation), and she said I had progressed a little, but not much. She sent us to the hospital for observation.

I really hoped that they would do an ultrasound and discover that Felix was head down. I really wanted to hear that--if not, I had a c-section scheduled for Thursday. I desperately wanted to avoid it. Once I had experienced a natural birth with Lucy, nothing else would satisfy.

Dave wheeled me into labor and delivery, and I heard a mother screaming in pain as she labored. I was excited to hear someone delivering without drugs. A nurse at the counter said, "Don't mind the squealing." I was disgusted at her word choice and her obvious disdain for the patient. Another nurse chimed in, "Yeah, that's what you get when you don't have an epidural!"

"I think she's doing a GREAT job," said I, unable to even look the nurse in the eye because I was so irritated. How unprofessional!!!

Well, the unprofessional nurse turned out to be MY nurse. Ugh. I was a bit snippy with her and not very warm or engaging. I did NOT want to have my babies here!!! I did not want unsupportive staff! She hooked me up to the monitors and everything, and I was still contracting. My back was miserable. She began asking the pile of questions. I answered them. She then asked, "If you will be having a vaginal delivery, will you be having an epidural?"

"No," I replied.

"Have you ever had an epidural before?" she went on.

"Yes, with my first two children," I responded.

"Oh, so you went natural with the third?" she pried.

"Yes, I did."

I think now she may have had a clue as to why I didn't agree with their comments back at the nurse's station. She finally left us alone.

My friend, Marla, was in town for Christmas, and she wrote on my facebook, "You better have those babies while I'm in town so I can come see them!" I didn't even know she was around! I called her and told her what was up. She came up to the hospital and hung out with us while we were waiting around. I had no idea what kind of blessing she was going to be for me that day.

My doctor came in to check on us, and he decided to go ahead and do an ultrasound.

Both boys were BREECH. BOTH.

My heart sank.

This meant one thing only--a c-section.

Then, the doctor asked us what we wanted to do--have one today or wait the three days for the scheduled one? After all, the chances of Felix turning at all at this point were slim to none. I hem-hawed for a minute because I just couldn't say it. I looked at Dave and asked, "What do you think?" Neither of us wanted to say it.

Finally, I said it, "I guess we'll do it today."

After all, our kids were already being cared for, we were in Little Rock, I was approaching labor though I wasn't technically in labor. Labor with breech twins over an hour from the hospital was not a favorable scenario. We would just be turning around to do it in three days anyway.

It was the right thing to do in our situation.

But I still hated it.

And I was scared.

But, God had prepared a plan--a GOOD plan--in advance.

My midwife had flown to California to be with her daughter for a few days, and she planned to return in time for my scheduled c-section. Even though I wasn't having a vaginal delivery, I wanted her to be there so that I would have support while having surgery. She would stay with me while Dave was with the babies. But, since we had decided to go ahead with the early section, she would not be able to be present.

But Marla could be!

I asked her if she would stay for the surgery. She was ecstatic, and she said that she would. I encourage you to read Marla's story sometime, but suffice it to say, she was the BEST person I could have with me (next to my husband, of course!!!) during the surgery.

We were scheduled to have the surgery at 4:30pm. Around 4, Dave and Marla suited up for surgery, and I started to freak out. My mind was a playground for fear. It was overwhelming. I was so nervous about the surgery. I started feeling claustrophobic and anxious. I couldn't be still. Finally, close to 6pm, they came to get me. I had mentioned to Dave that we could just leave. We didn't HAVE to stay!

I got prepped for the surgery, and I felt like I had been abducted by aliens. I'll spare you the gory details, but I will say that lying on a table for the world to see with bright lights above and a bunch of masked people around staring at you is definitely otherworldly and added to my fear and anxiety.

They had to keep giving me more medicine in the epidural because I still had some "hot spots" on my belly where I had sensation. That was a little unsettling! Because they upped my dosage so much, I began shaking uncontrollably, just as I had with my epidurals with Sam and Maryn (which was the first of many reasons I had a natural birth with Lucy). They tried to blame it on the fact that I was giving birth, but I knew better. I didn't have that awful full body shaking with Lucy. They tried counter-acting it with Demerol. I would get temporary relief, but then it would start up again. One anesthesiologist was super sweet and reassuring. I appreciated him.

The boys came out crying and healthy. I don't remember many details, but they did show me the babies. Thankfully, there are pictures that Marla and Dave took so I have proof! Dave said I seemed really subdued and not quite myself while I was in there. I kept remembering a story someone told me about a surgery they had, and unfortunately, his anesthesia didn't work. An angel (he supposes) appeared to him and said, "The kingdom of heaven lies within; go within!" I kept repeating the phrase in my mind, over and over, and just hid myself in the secret place with Jesus. I was so scared, but thinking about Him being with me calmed me.

Felix and Me

Milo and Me

Marla cried out, "NICU is leaving!" I felt relief wash over me to know my babies were healthy. Felix's APGAR was 8/9 and Milo's was 9/9. I was so thankful.

Felix and Milo

Marla stayed right next to me, distracting me while I was being sewn up. Dave stayed with the babies. I was most brokenhearted about not getting to hold my babies right away, next to my skin. But the next best thing was that their daddy was right there with them.

Before I knew it, everything was done, and they moved me to a bed to wheel me back to my recovery room. Evidently, I held the babies as I was wheeled back.

The next couple of hours is a blur. Marla says I kept telling the anesthesiologist that "I loved my natural birth," over and over. That makes me laugh! I don't remember it at all.

I did get to nurse the boys--at the same time, and it was beautiful. They were so alert, and from the start until now, they have been nursing non-stop! They were not sleepy like my other babies had been, only eating once or twice the first day--nope, they ate every 2 hours (or less than 2!).

I was glad when the fog began to clear for me, and I could enjoy my boys. Dave has been my true partner. I never have to wonder if he's going to help me with breastfeeding or diaper changes or soothing sad babies. He jumps in with both feet. I am so thankful he is a hands-on daddy.

The boys are growing SO well. They are getting big--FAST. In the first two weeks, Felix gained 1.5 lbs and Milo gained 1.25 lbs! They are not identical, and we have been able to tell them apart since the 2nd day of their life (the 1st day was a little harder!).

Milo and Felix

Felix (happy, blessed, fortunate) Josiah (fire of the Lord; healer) was the firstborn--smaller than Milo, but definitely a firstborn. He's been fussier than Milo and more tense. He has deep set eyes, and he makes the funniest face where his eyes move back and forth. We call him "Shifty Eyes." He is so sweet and has a tiny head. He is a BLESSING from the Lord, and he is part of the healing God has done in our hearts after losing a baby last year.

Felix Josiah

Milo (merciful and generous) Zane (God is gracious) was our secondborn. He is a chunk. Geidl babies are long and skinny, and we've yet to have one that is a roly-poly butterball. I don't know if Milo will be that baby, but he is getting heavy!!! His cheeks might weigh a couple of pounds by themselves! He's generally pretty content and quiet, but the last week, he has showed us he can scream with the best of 'em! His hair is reddish (not nearly as red as Samuel's, but definitely reddish) and he looks a lot like Samuel did as a baby. He is such a gift of mercy and grace--not just one baby but TWO!!! Milo was our second blessing in this pregnancy--the gift we didn't expect. He is a picture of restoration for us.

Milo Zane

Thank you for supporting us prayerfully in our journey. Please continue to do so!!!

Having a Heart Like Mary

Though I don't really classify myself into a Christian denomination, I have grown to love so many different traditions and can appreciate the roots of my faith. In recent years, I have really come to respect Catholicism. I was raised a Protestant, and honestly, I was taught that there were very few Catholics who really knew God. I look at that now and laugh because I have come to know so many who know Him!

I don't fully know or understand all of the Catholic teachings about Mary, but I have learned this: I have not given Mary the respect she deserves as a hero of the faith. It's easy to praise people like Moses, or Paul, or Abraham, but Mary is often overshadowed in Protestant circles.

I had the rare opportunity to identify with Mary when I gave birth to Samuel on Christmas Day. I know that December 25th isn't really the day Jesus was born, but I still found myself thinking through Mary's experience in becoming a mother to the Son of God. I understood the special feelings she probably had--being pregnant, knowing that the baby who would be born was special, knowing that she would one day have to give Him up. As I looked at Samuel, I knew that motherhood was special, and how much MORE special it was for her.

This year, I am pregnant with twin boys, Felix and Milo. I was 37 weeks yesterday, and I am so grateful that I have had a healthy pregnancy and made it to term with them. I have been struggling in my heart, though, because it is quite possible I may have a c-section. I know c-sections aren't a big deal for a lot of people. I know that people often recover quickly and well from them. I know that in the grand scheme of my life, it isn't that big of a deal. I know that it is a beautiful experience for the mommies who have them. I can't downplay the experiences of others. I KNOW it's okay, so don't feel a need to convince me of it.

But, natural birth is very important to me. It is one of my passions. It is something I have devoted time and research to, something I have experienced, and something I think women should be educated about.

In dealing with my own disappointments concerning my birthing experience, I am being taught of the Lord. He is showing me today that I can trust Him no matter the outcome. I can say like Mary, "I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled." (Luke 1:38) Mary humbly accepted the Lord's will for her--to bear the Son of God while yet a virgin engaged to be married.

Mary had to sacrifice to carry Jesus. She could have said, "No, I don't think I want to do this. I'm not willing, and I don't want to ruin my reputation or my upcoming marriage. It's not convenient, and I have my whole life ahead of me." Instead, she proclaimed herself the servant of the Lord, and she welcomed the fulfillment of the angel's words.

She said, "Yes, Lord. Your will be done."

I, too, have been chosen for this. God knew these boys before I even knew they existed in my womb. He has had plans for them before the foundation of the earth. He knit them together in my body and knows them intimately. Every mother has to make a sacrifice when it comes to childbirth--whatever the form. Mine may be the pain of natural childbirth, or it may be surgery and recovery. Either way, there is a sacrifice involved (not to mention the sacrifices of caring for children!). Am I going to walk into it with a willing heart or a begrudging one?

Will I choose to have a heart like Mary's that welcomes whatever may come? Or will I demand my own way, my own timing, my own experience? I do not know what will happen. I do not know if I will get to have a natural birth or a c-section. But, I do know that His ways are higher than mine. His words for me are for good and not evil. He will not lead me down a hard path without providing the grace I need to walk it with Him.

Today, I choose Mary's response. I pray I will do the same tomorrow and each day so that I can say with full confidence, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name." (Luke 1:46-49)

Sacrificing Plans for Peace

I went in for my ultrasound yesterday to check out the boys' sizes and positions. Well, the little boogers have both gone transverse (that's sideways...and babies don't come out sideways, just so you know). There is still time for them to move, and my OB/Gyn friend told me that transverse is the most unstable position. Sooooooo, I am praying at least Felix will move into a head down (vertex) position.

Their measurements were funny to me because the margin of error is now up to 1 lb. :) There are some doctors out there that will make decisions to induce or c-section a baby based on their size from the ultrasound. That is not wise. Find a different doctor if your doctor does that! The margin of error is too great! And...off the soapbox. Anyway, Felix measured 5 lbs. 9 oz, and Milo measured 5 lbs. 14 oz. So technically, they are somewhere between 4.5 and 7 lbs. That's a big window!!! Either way, they're growing well, and I'm thankful.

I am retaining a lot of fluid, but my blood pressure has been consistently great and there was no protein in my urine. I'm just huge. I measured about 41.5 cm at 34.5 weeks. And I gained 12 lbs in 2.5 weeks!!!!! Crazy. Like I said, I'm retaining fluid....and the babies measured two lbs. bigger than they did a month ago! Just crazy.

As for plans, anything could happen. Anything. It is a bit unsettling to realize that any scenario could take place. They could both turn vertex, and I could have a vaginal delivery. Felix could turn vertex, and I could deliver him vaginally, but if they're unable to get Milo to turn, then I could have him breech...unless he won't come out breech and something goes wrong, and then I could have an emergency c-section. Or...neither one turns, I go into labor, get to the hospital and have an ultrasound and head to c-section, or neither turns, and I will have a scheduled c-section on Dec. 30th when I am 38 weeks.

Too many scenarios to think about.

This is stretching for me. I like to be in control, and I'm not. I've lived under the illusion often in life that I am, but I'm not. Maybe you do that too. I don't know, but one thing is certain--Jesus loves me.

That's right. Jesus loves me. As I was praying over this situation yesterday, I asked Him to speak to my heart the truth it needed to hear, and what He said came in the words of one of my favorite songs, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine, so come into Your garden and take delight in me, take delight in me...Here in your presence, God, I find my rest; here in your presence, God."

No matter what is going on around me, I can find my peace and my rest in Him. He loves me, delights in me, and wants me to rest in Him and enjoy Him.

I am really okay with that.

What We're Doing

What we're doing about Halloween:

We aren't the celebratory type when it comes to scary stuff, so we are buying some candy, stuff for s'mores, and we're building a bonfire in our yard. We're gonna veg out with our kids and make ourselves a little sick with sweets. You are welcome to join us.

What we're doing about getting ready for babies:

We are buying a bunch of stuff. We haven't registered anywhere--too much hassle. We've got our carseats which is huge. We are contemplating having them in the pack and play in our room, but it won't fit well on the side of the bed. Anyone want to make me a cradle? I didn't want to pay $150 for a bassinet. Will be checking into co-sleepers as a cheaper alternative. I've got sheets, mattress pads, towels, washcloths. What do we need? Clothes. And I need to buy the rest of the cloth diapers I will need. I'll use disposables until they're about 8-9 lbs. I guess we need those too.

What we're doing for my birthday?

Ask Dave. He better come up with something good. :) Look out 31.

And Lucy's birthday???

I'm planning a party for her a few days before OUR birthday. Yes, we share our birthday. So, party for her, and I get Birthweek 2010.

What we're doing for Thanksgiving:

Dave's mom and grandma are coming to cook. Dave is on call. I plan on watching the parade.

What we're doing about Sam's Christmas Birthday:

Well, it all depends on when these boys arrive. I would like to have a party for Sam with some of his friends a few weeks before Christmas. I'll be 37 weeks on Dec. 23rd, so I could have babies by Christmas Day or maybe not! I have no clue. This one is being played by ear. As is Christmas. I am planning on a fake tree this year because it may be a while before we're able to take one down. :)

What we're doing about Christmas gifts:

I don't know. We're thinking donations to charities in people's names. We did this one year before, and we didn't get much reaction...don't know if that was good or bad! Whatever we do, it's gotta be simple.

What we're doing about staying sane:

We are taking life one day at a time--with as much pre-planning as possible! :) No, really, we are not worrying and fretting over how things are going to go once our darlings are born. We are learning to be content and trust our Father to provide what we need in terms of help and sleep and childcare. We are trying to enjoy our time with our three children before life gets crazy. We are hoping we can stay focused on our Father and His love in the midst of all of these changes. He has been so good and faithful and kind to us, and we are so thankful for Him.

The Anticipation of The Push

I miss running. This weather makes me want to get outside and run. It's so nice and beautiful most days. I miss having that goal to accomplish--the way I had to push myself a little farther and quicker each run. I miss the quietness of it as well as the pounding rhythms in my earbuds.

These days I spend mostly sitting. My stomach is swollen and large and disproportionate to my body. Little wiggles on the inside remind me that this is a temporary existence. Soon, I will be cuddling two sweet little boys, nursing them, patting them, shushing them, rocking them, and letting them fall asleep on my chest.

While I wait, I dream about Springtime and how my body will be ready to be challenged again. I am eager for this, but I don't rush it. I want to drink in these moments before they're gone--flip flops in my belly, hiccups in my belly, babies bouncing and growing and getting stronger in my belly. I will soon be pushing myself and my body will be challenged in childbirth with a pounding rhythm all its own--not even running compares with that.

So, for now, I am content to be still. The challenge nears, and I am ready.

Plans and Open Hands

Planning for the birth of a baby is challenging, especially when you already have children. Planning for the birth of TWO babies (at the same time!) is even more challenging and ESPECIALLY when you have three older children.

I have felt every emotion possible this past week: happy, overwhelmed, excited, thankful, scared, nervous, and a little loony.

I have comforted myself with the knowledge that God has chosen this for our family. He has blessed us with this amazing gift of two children at once. He is wise. He also knows how pressure draws us closer to Him. Trusting Him in this will be a lesson all in itself!

Right now, I am trying to decide which doctor I will go with. I am doing my best to research them ahead of time instead of doing several interviews since we live an hour away. It hasn't been really easy, and some offices have been more cooperative than others. I've called hospitals and talked about their policies for multiple births. I am still waiting to hear back from a couple of doctors.

I want what is best for my children. I want them to be healthy, though I know that isn't a guarantee or a proof of God's goodness. He is good no matter how healthy they are. I do want to plan the best possible situation for them to be born in. I feel that if I fail to plan for the best possible situation, then it will certainly NEVER happen. Things may not go the way I plan, and I know that, and I'm okay with that, but if I don't plan for the best, then that reality is not a possibility.

I am daily reminding myself that I am not in control. I don't have to be in control. I don't know how early they'll be born. I don't know how much they'll weigh. I don't know if they'll nurse well. But if I don't take care of myself, then the chances are, they'll be born earlier, weigh less than they should, and probably struggle with nursing. So, wouldn't I be foolish to not prepare for the BEST and take care of myself?

I think the same thing goes for my birth plan. I want to have a vaginal delivery. It is statistically the better option for both mom and baby. I want to work towards that. I realize it may not happen. One of my wiggly children may decide to turn some funny way at the last minute. I know that. I am prepared for that.

I want to have a natural birth if possible. The fewer medications in my body=the fewer medications in their bodies. It is also an amazing experience for all involved. My experience with Lucy was so amazing, and the bond and connection we shared was very different from my other births. Do I love my other children less? No. Absolutely not. But the experience has changed our relationships. I can't deny that. I don't need to defend natural childbirth--there's a plethora of information that shows how much better it is for mom and baby, breastfeeding, and postpartum recovery.

I have already felt the criticism of others for wanting to plan in this direction--as if I would totally disregard my children for what I want. That kind of judgment goes straight to my heart--that I would prefer myself over my kids. I will do what is best, and I trust that the Lord will give me wisdom and discretion for each situation.

In the meantime, I will continue to search for the best doctor and hospital for me and my babies. I am so thankful for a husband who supports me in my decisions and who isn't afraid to tell me if something makes him uncomfortable. We are in this TOGETHER, and we will press forward in this adventure regardless of the criticism.