Undisclosed Desires

I used to identify my Christianity as "Protestant", "Baptist", or "Non-Denominational". Now, I prefer just to say that I am a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. I realize that all across the Christian spectrum, there are those in every camp who are believers in name only and not with their lives.

I have a dear friend, Carrie, who is Catholic, and she introduced me to Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. While I do not wholeheartedly embrace all things Catholicism teaches (and neither do I Protestantism), I embrace this teaching that we are created in the image of God, that male bodies and female bodies don't make sense on their own, that procreation is a beautiful picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church, that in our sinful humanity our desires for fulfillment have become twisted and inverted so that we bear shame and seek to fulfill them ourselves with things that do not fill. I love this teaching--it is beautiful and resonates so strongly with my spirit.

I begin to see the same longings in hearts everywhere--it is apparent so boldly in our films and our music. Christopher West, the leading Catholic educator (in America) of Theology of the Body, is quite adept at seeing these in lyrics. Carrie showed me a blog that he and Bill Donaghy write called Twisted Mystics. They hash out song lyrics that reveal our hearts' true longings that can only be fulfilled by Jesus Himself. Here is my own submission to their blog--Muse's Undisclosed Desires:

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Now, that you've read these lyrics, go back and reread them as if they were spoken by Jesus. I realize that may sound blasphemous to some, but seriously, consider what it would be like if Jesus were to say these things to you (I realize this may be difficult for those of you in the male arena). We hear a man speaking to a woman here--a woman who has gone down the wrong road, again and again, seeking fulfillment from her lovers. They never satisfy her emptiness. She has come to believe that she has nothing to offer. She is worthless and ashamed. This man speaking to her says he believes he can heal her--show her what she's worth. He wants to cleanse her of her past, show her she's more than her pretty face, show her she has something to offer--she is altogether pleasing.

Are you seeing the parallel? I love this song. If you haven't heard it, go HERE.

Doesn't Jesus want the same thing for us? Doesn't He want us to see that we are the One for Him? Doesn't He want to purify and cleanse us from our demons and our past? Doesn't He want us to see that we are pleasing to Him and beautiful in His sight? Doesn't He want to fulfill our desires perfectly?

We are so loved.

Book Club Read-A-Long

I started a book club. Well, I had considered it, and I didn't know who would be able to join in. A woman, Megan, that works with Dave said something on Facebook about wishing she were in a book club so she could discuss the books she was reading.

I LOVED my book club in Tulsa. Second Saturdays at Borders with a Cafe Mocha and good conversation--it was often a monthly highlight in my life. I loved the fellowship of other women, and I was always inspired by how well-read the ladies were. I wanted to replicate it here.

Surprisingly, Megan and I were able to round up several ladies who were interested. We had our first meeting on Saturday, and since then, I've been contacted by three other women who want to take part! Everyone's tastes are different, but it looks like we have a pretty swell reading list. AND, there are movies for most of the books we are reading (and some movies that will be released in the next year!). If you're interested in reading along, here is our list:

March 2010—Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

April 2010—The Boy in the Striped Pajamas by John Boyne

May 2010—The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer

June 2010—The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold July 2010—The Choice by Nicholas Sparks

August 2010—The Help by Kathryn Stockett

September 2010—The Giver by Lois Lowry

October 2010—Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

November 2010—Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

December 2010—Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah

January 2011—Icy Sparks by Gwyn Hyman Rubio

March 2001—Les Miserables by Victor Hugo (Must Get Signet Classics UNABRIDGED, translation by Lee Fahnestock/Norman MacAfee)

Not bad, eh? I'm excited, and I sensed many of the other women are excited too. It's not just an opportunity to read and discuss literature. It's an opportunity to form friendships, develop community and go deeper. This is my heart's desire to see women find godly community. I'm so thankful to be a part of this group!

Documentaries will be the Death of Me.

I really like documentaries. I like the way they make me think. I like the way they expose the truth. I like seeing real people tell their stories.

I think the first documentary that was the death of me was "Super Size Me". In this documentary, a guy eats only McDonald's three times a day for a month. In the end, his health is deteriorating, he is depressed, and he gained an obscene amount of weight. I learned a lot about the chemical preparation of their food process as well as their marketing schemes. And, as a result, I only eat at McDonald's if my options are severely limited.

Like in a foreign country.

No, not really, I have eaten at McDonald's a number of times since watching the film, but I definitely consider homemade food over fast food. I really hate fast food in general. I don't like eating it. I feel gross when I do. I didn't use to feel that way, but now that I know what is in it and how it is processed, it makes me feel NASTY.

Another documentary that I watched was "Paper Clips". It was so inspiring. It's about a small school in Kentucky (I think) that began a holocaust project by collecting a paper clip for each Jew that was exterminated in the Holocaust. Secondary students organized the project and found Holocaust survivors who came to tell their stories as part of the project. A rail car was obtained as part of a memorial and filled with the paperclips, symbolizing the Jews who were transported like cattle to the concentration camps.

I loved that film because it was inspiring. It helped a community look beyond itself. It makes you want to do the same.

Last year, I watched "The Business of Being Born" by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein. I watched it in preparation for my own natural childbirth with Lucy. This film is so informative and empowering. I encourage all women to watch it whether pregnant or not. I learned a lot about the profession of midwifery as well as an often flawed hospital system. My husband is a physician, and he couldn't argue with the film. He felt like it was really well done. My friend's husband is an OB/GYN, and he felt similarly.

Last night, we watched "Food, Inc.". It is about the food manufacturing in the US. It was astonishing. It was disgusting. It shocked me. And now, I want to buy local, organic food. ONLY. It may not be possible to go all the way with this where I live, but I sure want to give it a try. This woman in the film lost her two-year old son to hemorrhagic E. coli in 12 days from contaminated hamburger meat that tested positive for E. coli but wasn't recalled until a month after the positive test. Heart-wrenching. Makes me want to go completely vegetarian!!!! I like meat, and I think I could give it up, but I know Dave wouldn't. But still.

These films have changed the way I've looked at how fast food is destroying the health in this country, how my culture views history, how well-designed the female body is for childbirth, and how the food I serve came to be. They've been informative, but they also were convicting. Now that I have this information, what am I going to do with it?

Am I going to DIE to convenience and embrace a simpler but more hard-working lifestyle?

Am I going to DIE to my culture and look outside of myself?

Am I going to DIE to insurance companies, health systems and embrace the design of my body?

Am I going to DIE to the dollar and support those who work hard to respect workers, animals and the planet?

I want to. I don't know if I will. I want to do what I can. With greater knowledge comes greater responsibility.

Get my coffin ready.

Disappointment and Hope

I've heard a few people talking about how they feel a spirit of hope rising in their hearts for the coming year. They sense God's hope rising above the sadness and struggles and in spite of them. I must confess, 2010 hasn't been so great for me. I'm struggling to sense that hope, though I know it is there.

Dave and I were talking last night, and I had a really great cry--the kind where my body was heaving and I was gasping for air. It is so cleansing to just release all of the pent-up emotion that I had tried to keep at bay. I've sensed that the one who wars for my soul has been on my case to steal my joy and rob me of my hope in the One who makes all things new.

I lost my baby. I'm sad. Not all the time, just occasionally, but it hits at unexpected times, and I am sometimes unprepared to deal with it in that moment, and what it turns into is me getting snappy, illogical, and blaming. I feel jealousy when I hear another person is pregnant. I certainly do not wish ill will on anyone, but I do feel that jealousy creep in from time to time.

I have known now for several years that people don't understand why Dave and I want to have several children. People often said when it was just Sam and Maryn, "Well, now you have one of each, so you're complete!" What is that? Who decided that was the "perfect" family? We have a longing in our hearts for children. We can't explain that to everyone, but we know it is part of our purpose. We want to adopt, and as I've mentioned before, some people think that's crazy since we already have three kids. We so strongly feel that children are a blessing from the Lord--a gift. We believe part of our purpose as husband and wife is to reflect the truth of Christ and the Church in our marriage--the husband (Christ) gives new life to the wife (the Church). That may not gel with some of you, but that is what we believe about our union and what it represents.

So, when I lost the baby, I had certain expectations for what my grief would look like. It certainly wasn't looking like what others had experienced. Now, I'm realizing it really is different for everyone. I am realizing that Solomon was right when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12). We so hoped for another baby right now. It has been deferred, and I am disappointed. My heart sometimes feels sick. It's hard to watch others walking forward in their pregnancy, knowing that I should be experiencing it with them.

But losing the baby isn't my only disappointment. Trying to fatten up Lucy has been a chore. There are times when she is completely uninterested in her food, and I worry about it. I don't need more suggestions for how to fix it, I just need to be able to release her to the Lord's care. He showed me a year ago that she was for the "display of His splendor" and "the smallest a mighty nation". She is going to be okay. I hang onto that, but it seems hard to remember it in the midst of the disappointment.

I have also been disappointed about small town life. I was under the impression that in small towns, everyone knows everyone and everyone takes care of each other. I have found this to not be true. It may be true if you've lived in that town your whole life, but if you are a newcomer, you are on the outside. I've even heard people say, "You can live there for 10 years and still be the 'new' person in town."

My best friend here is moving away today. She will be 2.5 hours away, and we will still talk on the phone. But, I am sad about it. I am going to miss her. I have made a few other friends, and I am happy that I am building relationships with them. I am thankful to have them. But I see the way so many gossip about one another and the way even believers are not supportive of one another. It breaks my heart to see fragmenting like this in the Body.

So, I have these disappointments and others, but I'm sitting in the secret place letting my Father love me. This is all I can do right now. I can't make my situations more comfortable. I can't make people change. I can't right all the wrongs. I can only rest in His love.

And dance away the darkness.

I do a lot of that. You may think that's crazy, but it really works. When I feel the darkness creeping in and trying to steal my joy, I put on some David Crowder and dance all over the house. I bring my body into submission and trample the lies I'm hearing and let my body be a sacrifice of praise.

I long for the Hope. I ache for it. I crave it. I will cling to it though the darkness hides it. His light will break forth like the dawn. So, I say,

"The sun will no more be your light by day,
nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory." Isaiah 60:19

High Octane Kind of Day

I found the largest coffee mug possible today. I filled it to the brim. I am tired. We have spent several days at home without leaving, and that's enough to make any mama tired! No, really, Dave had to leave a bit early today for work so he could see his hospital patients before clinic starts. So, he's gone, 2/3 of my kids are awake, but thanks to the superhero capes I made last night, they are quiet!

We actually did get out yesterday. Dave was itching to go to Conway (our nearest shopping city) to use his Christmas giftcards at Target and Old Navy. He needed some shirts. I was concerned the roads may be slushy (Thank you for being wrong, State Highway website!), and though the highway leading to our house was pretty patchy, the main highway was clear.

We stopped first at the fabric store because the kids were begging me to make them capes to go along with their masks. We found some pretty cheap fabric that looked Super, and some felt to make Maryn a new mask (one that looks more like Bug Girl from Backyardigans). AND I had already made Sam an eye patch to play pirates, but he really wanted a pirate hat to go along with it. I was nearly out of black felt, so we got some of that too. I made a pirate costume a couple of years ago for our friend, Rowin. Sam is finally ready for one of his own, I guess.

I did find some sweet deals at Old Navy (for my giftcards!). I got some dark gray khakis for $17. Have I ever mentioned that I HATE to spend more than $20 on pants/jeans? I know some people will spend a hundred dollars on jeans; that will not be me, thank you very much.

Otherwise, our homebound weeked (with electricity, thank God) was so nice. Dave took the kids outside to play in the snow. They've so been longing to do that and haven't had the opportunity yet. We ate good food, stayed cozy in our clothes (jammies), and I got to do a few things I like to do. I am nearly done crocheting a sweater/hat set for my friend, Megan. Her sweet girl, Madelyn, was born two weeks ago. I am nearly finished with the hat! I also read a book. And, the highlight of the weekend was that Dave watched "Cranford" with me. This is huge for most men. He knew I wanted to watch it, and I think he is actually enjoying it. We DVRed it, and for some reason, we only got the first two parts. Boo. Gotta find that third part.

So it has been a lovely weekend with a helpful husband, and now, he is at work--hence the largest cup of coffee. :) Time to make a pirate hat before I get swashbuckled.